Queen Camilla’s face at coronation concert said everything: It’s all gone Pete Tong…
FOR all their apparent concern and vigilance, BBC One’s ever-present health and safety zealots were only ever going to warn us about “flashing images” at the weekend’s big Coronation Concert.
It’s never the random threats, like Rishi Sunak’s dancing or Lionel Richie’s singing, which represented a clear and present danger to all viewers, on the night.
“Easy Like Sunday Morning? It’ll sound more like he needed a hoist and defibrillator just to get him upright for this evening.”
That should’ve been the message beamed out across the nation, if they’d bothered sending someone to rehearsals.
For things were about to get bloody at the Windsor Castle gig which got off to the worst possible start when, summoning all the condescension at her profession’s disposal, RSC actress Mei Mac said: “The thing I love about Shakespeare is that he wrote plays for the groundlings.” Or the people in “the cheap seats,” as she then called them
Madman
A right old back-in-your-box moment for those of us who’d been glued to the Coronation for the past 36 hours and were now being rewarded with a line-up that had clearly been put together by a madman.
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As well as Mei and Doctor Who, we also had: Lionel, Pete Tong, Stella McCartney, Steve Winwood, The Muppets, Tom Cruise, Take That and some-one a visibly wilting Kirsty Young referred to as “Nicole Surgeon-zer”, who was either a Pussycat Doll, or the former First Minister of Scotland.
Things didn’t look too promising then.
But they didn’t either at Saturday’s Coronation where, together at last, we had Ant & Dec, The Duke of Wellington, Jay Blades off The Repair Shop, The Worshipful Comp-any of Girdlers and Penny Mordaunt, dressed as Chief Purser on The Hindenburg.
To that weird mix, the BBC then added layers of experts, toadies, Strictly stars and the compulsory Professor David Olusoga, just in case anyone got too happy and forgot the event was really all about slavery and Empire.
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Individually and collectively, they added nothing to the occasion, but I still thought BBC One got the better of ITV who, as part of the network’s ongoing war against its own viewers, contrived to make their coverage even more insufferably woke, climaxing with the moment actress Adjoa Andoh dropped her racist bombshell about the royal balcony being: “Terribly white.”
That wasn’t the only reason BBC One emerged relatively unscathed, obviously.
There was also the bewitching combination of historical pomp and military precision, along with sword-wielding Penny, who was credited with being the ceremony’s breakout star.
On a visually stunning Sunday night, this claim was also made about a brief cameo from Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy, who was sent on her way by MC Hugh Bonneville with the words: “Security, if you see a pig in a dress you know what to do.”
Instructions which could’ve half emptied the “friends and ex-family” enclosure.
The thing I thought, though, that really elevated the occasion beyond the sum of its parts was the presence of a director who wasn’t afraid to play Royal Box roulette, cutting back and forth to the dignitaries whenever the production team reckoned they might be enjoying something, hating something or smirking sweetly — like Meghan Markle had just dropped one at the Cenotaph— as Kate Middleton did during Lionel’s set.
At various other points, Camilla pulled a “for-gawd’s-sake” face, with Pete Tong at full din, Kermit was seen dancing with Prince Edward and the bloke sitting next to Rishi tried eating the Prime Minister’s business card just as Bryn Terfel reached his You’ll Never Walk Alone crescendo.
Fair play to Rishi, though, by the time Take That were doing Never Forget, he was either up and dancing or having some sort of violent bowel spasm. It’s always hard to tell with public schoolboys
It seemed to do the trick, however.
Indeed the atmosphere was so infectious that by the end, you’d almost have believed Baroness Scotland, who’d been stuck to him like Velcro, was going in for a snog with King Charles.
She didn’t, obviously. Personally speaking, however, it didn’t spoil the weekend for me at all.
I loved it, in fact, not for any political reasons or deep-seated love for the new monarch, who I change my mind about almost by the day, but just for the spectacle, the eccentricity, the sheer barminess of the line-ups, the miracle of our Armed Forces and solemn and dignified way Clare Balding brought an end to Saturday’s ceremony: “You saw her leaving by a side door, but in a matter of minutes, the Princess Royal is mounted.”
On that bombshell.
All fair Dame in eighties
MOST timely broadcast of the week was ITV3’s repeat of One More Audience With Dame Edna, in honour of the late Barry Humphries, which “reflected attitudes of the time” in the most glorious way imaginable.
It was recorded in 1988, so as well as featuring timepieces and curiosities like Jeffrey Archer, Bill Wiggins and Militant Tendency nuisance Derek Hatton, who Humphries clearly loathed, there were also giants of the entertainment industry Ringo Starr, Sir John Mills, Sir Yehudi Menuhin, Imran Khan, Judi Dench, Bill Wyman and , who was congratulated for, “The wonderful successes you’ve had. You’ve given minicab drivers new hope”.
Try that line now, of course, and the front three rows of C-listers would be stretchered out citing anxiety, panic attacks and every other trumped-up ailment known to modern man.
So durable and comfortable were this lot in their own skins, though, they didn’t just survive Dame Edna’s barbs, they craved them.
None more so than the other Grand TV Dame of the 1980s who was greeted with a cheery: “Hello Esther. I didn’t see you there. You’re looking lovely. It must be the lighting.”
Comedy fans mourn not just the loss of Barry Humphries but the fact television has no one with the balls, let alone the talent, to replace him.
Unexpected morons in the bagging area
THE Weakest Link, Romesh Ranganathan: “In animals, what is a type of small duck that shares its name with a shade of greenish blue?”
James Stewart: “A tyrannosaurus rex.”
Romesh: “On a standard dartboard, the inner centre ring commonly known as the bull is worth how many points?”
Aimee Fuller: “A thousand.”
The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “Kingston-upon-Thames is a royal borough in which UK capital city?” Robert: “Buckinghamshire.”
Bradley: “A ‘shacket’ is a combination of a jacket and what other item of clothing?”
Laurie: “Shoe.”
Random irritations
THE BBC’s lamentable sound quality at the Coronation.
Alesha Dixon’s Eurovision semi- final rap (make it stop).
Yet another lock-based survival trial on I’m A Celebrity South Africa, which should’ve been sponsored by Yale.
Paul-bloody-Burrell hamming up his terror, in the most tiresome manner imaginable, at every challenge.
And those miserable sods at EastEnders introducing us to its latest barrel of laughs, Debbie, who, just like the ratings, is in a persistent vegetative state.
So don’t rule out marriage to Phil Mitchell next year.
ON Channel 4’s Naked Attraction last week, a contestant called Mariia dramatically revealed: “I escaped from the war in Ukraine and now I’m here” – giving us a timely reminder of all those forgotten horrors and barbaric outrages the country has witnessed.
And, of course, the war in Ukraine.
Great sporting insights
JAMIE Redknapp: “Brighton go to South America and find young players like Evan Ferguson from Ireland.”
Paul Warne: “The game has two teams going hammer and toe.”
Ronnie Moore: “I’m not going to say it but a draw’s fine for us.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
E4, Sam Thompson: Is This ADHD?
No, this is a D.I.C.K.
TV Gold
THE breathtaking country of Canada and its sweet, obliging, generous people proving to be the ultimate winners of BBC One’s Race Across The World, even if it does say “Trish and Cathie” on the trophy.
Mark Bonnar giving another masterclass on series three of BBC Two’s Guilt.
BBC Two climaxing Coronation weekend with The Shawshank Redemption.
And Tuesday’s Eurovision semi-finalists demonstrating they’d got the “funny foreigners only” memo – particularly Moldova; Finland’s cage-dwelling techno maniac Käärijä, whose name has got more accents than Lulu; and Croatia, who appear to be represented by The Gumbys from Monty Python.
Keep subtitles on for Saturday’s final (BBC One, 8pm).
CLAIM of the Coronation? BBC One, Huw Edwards: “Lionel Richie, a very familiar face. And there we have a glimpse of the very fine organ.”
If you say so, Huw.
GREAT TV lies and delusions of the week. I Kissed A Boy, Dannii Minogue: “It’s about time for a show like this.”
The Coronation Concert, Kirsty Young: “The Royal Family arrived early and I think it’s ’cos they’re keen.”
The Coronation Concert, James Nesbitt: “Let’s light up the nation like a smile. Please welcome Paloma Faith.”
Bad start, Jimmy. Have another crack.
HOSPITAL pass of the weekend?
BBC One’s Kirsty Young: “Give us an insight into the King’s sense of humour. Has he got a good sense of humour? He seems like a man with a good sense of humour . . .?”
Sanjeev Bhaskar: “Er . . . ”
That’s a no then.
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Lookalike of the week
THIS week’s winner is recently departed Spurs coach Cristian Stellini and Gargamel from The Smurfs.
Emailed in by Neil Foreman.
