Tories and Labour are a busted flush. We’d be better off with The Tufty Club

I KNOW Liz Truss came across like a talking doll but when it became clear she was cutting income tax, I imagined everyone would rush off to the pub to celebrate.

But they didn’t. Instead, everyone went nuts.

I’m not talking about the financial institutions here. They had their own ­reasons for being cross. I’m talking about everyone else.

We’d been told we would pay less tax every week and we were furious. This is strange.

But we are living in strange times because we seem to have got it in to our heads that we should rely on the government to help us out every time anything goes wrong.

This means we actually want them to have our money.

Turn on the BBC news and every night there’s someone weeping and wailing about how they need government money to mend their poorly baby, or fix the cladding on their flat, or pay their gas bill or feed their dog.

We have it in our heads that we will look after ourselves in the good times but when things go south, the government should step in with a blank cheque.

Even the banks are at it. “We gambled a load of money we didn’t actually have, and we lost. So can you bail us out, please?”

Of course, this communistical attitude might work if the government was run by sensible people with kind hearts and backbones made from steel. But it isn’t.

Truss was a nightmare. And there’s no sign that this sorry state of affairs will change any time soon.

The Conservative Party is a busted flush.

It held a referendum on Europe to stop its members fighting internally about the issue but today the war between Remainers and Brexiteers is more vicious than ever.

Which is why we spent the summer without a leader. And it’s why we haven’t got one now.

IN A MESS

They can’t agree internally on who should have the reins.

And when I look at the options, the problem’s even bigger than which wing of the party they’re on.

All I can think is, “Oh my God. We’d be better off choosing someone from my local Tufty Club”.

And it’s not like the Labour Party is any better.

We didn’t like it at the last election in 2019 so I see no reason why we should like it now.

Sure, the leader has changed but it still has Diane Abbott in it — and I don’t want that innumerate idiot anywhere near the purse strings.

She’s worse than Truss and that’s saying something.

Right now, our economy is in a mess.

The world is in a mess. Supply chains are broken. Inflation is out of control. Gas is in short supply.

So life for all of us in the coming year is going to be tough.

And I don’t care what they say: neither of the main parties will be able to do anything to help.

So maybe it’s time for someone to start a new one.

Any volunteers? No, not you Nigel . . . 

Mum step aside

BOFFINS have announced that putting a child on the naughty step when they’ve behaved badly is an act of cruelty.

They say that when a child has a tantrum or won’t do what it’s told, it’s a sign of “inner turmoil” and that in such moments children need company. Not to be on their own.

Some of the experts go further saying that if a child misbehaves, it’s usually the fault of the parent so if anyone is going to sit on the naughty step, it should be Mum or Dad.

I should explain at this point that the boffins in question are French.

So after they’d made their announcement, it’s likely they ate a snail then set fire to a sheep.

Russian missile attack? Nothing to see here, guv

SO let me see if I’ve got that straight. An RAF spy plane was trundling along in international airspace over the Black Sea when it was approached by two Russian fighter jets.

Nothing unusual in that. We scramble the Eurofighters when their spy planes come close to the UK.

What was unusual this time is that one of the Russian Migs fired a missile.

Putin’s henchmen say it was an accident. Our defence bods say it was no such thing.

And everyone else is saying nothing at all.

Those beardy berks on the bridge got more traction on social media.

Especially when the heroic ground forces of Kent and Essex started shooting fireworks at them. I don’t understand this.

There was a time when there’d be hell to pay if a foreign power fired a missile at one of our planes.

Whereas now, even when we know the power in question has the military might of Belgium, we do nothing at all.

Nuts about milk

ALL week, a small group of young people in fancy dress have been rushing about in London making a nuisance of themselves.

They claim that when they glue themselves to the road or throw soup at a painting, they are trying to save children from being boiled by climate change.

Really? So why did they pour milk all over the carpet in a posh department store on Piccadilly.

Milk comes from a cow. Which is vegan so you don’t have to be.

The cow eats grass, so farmers don’t have to use a diesel powered tractor to mow it.

It then craps all over the place which is great for the soil.

And it means farmers don’t have to use as much chemical nitrogen.

And as a by-product of all this goodness, we get milk. Which is so delicious, I drink two pints a day.

Eco enthusiasts prefer something called almond milk. Which isn’t milk.

And to make it, on the other side of the world, millions of gallons of water are required.

So are millions of bees, which are then left to die. Don’t be fooled by these idiots then.

You should drink proper milk, and if you see someone ordering a milk substitute in a coffee shop, do your bit for the planet and pour it into their trousers.

Brain drain

HARRY MARKLE turned up at a meeting of weirdos in San Francisco this week and told delegates that he has a “mental fitness coach”.

What even is that?

It sounds like the sort of person a very rich person would employ if they had no gainful employment and had accidentally married someone whose endless ambition made them miserable.