Here lies every politician…& lies & lies & lies
THERE’S a very famous quote about what to do when a politician is talking to you.
It comes from the grizzled old newspaper editor Louis Heren.
His advice? “Always ask yourself: Why is this lying bastard lying to me?”
All politicians, all the time. Why are you lying to me?
I mention this because right now a lot of people are living under a kind of delusion.
We have been lied to for too long. What we need is a new leader who is, above all, honest. Tells the truth. That kind of thing.
Read More on Boris Johnson
Well, don’t hold your breath. Boris Johnson may tell lies far too easily.
They might well be his first recourse whenever he’s in trouble.
One journalist, Peter Oborne, documented all of his lies in a book. It was a very long book.
But the idea that anyone who steps into his slippers would be much different is indeed a delusion.
Most read in Opinion
Take Rishi Sunak and Sajid Javid.
The former Chancellor and the Health Secretary caused a crisis which saw Boris Johnson brought to the brink of resignation.
They both gave up their posts after hearing Boris make his idiotic explanation for why he hadn’t done anything about his deputy chief whip, Chris “Arse” Pincher, who’d been in trouble for drunkenly groping blokes.
According to both Sunak and Javid, they decided to quit independently of each other.
They hadn’t talked about it. Nothing had been planned. It just happened — like that.
There isn’t a single person in Westminster who believes that for a nanosecond.
They just didn’t want to be seen in the public eye as plotting against their boss.
So they issued a lie — a white lie maybe, but a lie nonetheless.
My guess is they’ve had it planned ever since Boris’s vote of confidence: “Next time he’s in trouble, we’ll go.” I don’t suppose they gave a monkey’s about Pincher.
But what about Labour? Are they pristine and honest? You’ve got to be joking.
All made up
Now, I quite like Keir Starmer — a bit boring though he may be. But he’s also not been straight with the public.
When the police first got involved in Partygate, he told Boris Johnson that you couldn’t have a Prime Minister being investigated by the police — and he should resign.
But later, when Starmer was investigated for having a little knees-up of his own with the party faithful during Covid, he changed his tune a little.
He would resign, he said, if he was found guilty — NOT if he was simply being investigated. That is, in my book, dishonest, frankly.
(We’ll find out if he does have to resign later this week, probably. At which point we may have no Prime Minister and no Leader of the Opposition, for the first time ever.)
They all do it, the lying.
I don’t think it necessarily means they are bad people.
Simply that they may not be the most principled people in the world, you know?
Has any politician never lied? People usually cite the first President of the US, George Washington.
He was so honest, apparently, that at the age of six he confessed to his father that he had damaged a cherry tree with an axe.
“I cannot tell a lie,” he told his dad.
Trouble is, that never happened. It was all made up. It was a lie.
CHANCELLORS and ministers resign in their scores. The Government look completely wrecked.
But they are still killing badgers by the hundred, up and down the country.
This cull was always going to be a stupid, senseless slaughter of innocent animals.
The latest person to speak out about the killing is one of the world’s foremost primatologists, Dame Jane Goodall. She signed a letter calling for the cull to end.
Will the Government take notice? Or are they still too busy culling each other?
A picture of stupidity, this gluedunnit
THE reason badly dressed middle-class tossers keep gluing themselves to stuff to save the planet is because nobody seems to give a monkey’s about stopping them.
That’s why they are allowed to ruin everybody’s day.
It’s why they are allowed to deface works of art while useless security guards just stand back and look on
If the cops did their jobs and dragged them off the Tarmac, leaving their ears behind – and then the eco-loons came before a sufficiently rigorous magistrate – this stuff would stop overnight.
How about it, Priti Patel?
Chess genius
ORPINGTON lad Aditya Verma is apparently a genius.
An 18-year-old who is brilliant at chess.
And has just won a place at Cambridge University to study economics.
But on a flight with friends to Menorca he posted a message on Snapchat saying: “I’m going to blow this plane up. I’m a Taliban.”
Cue Spanish F18 fighter jets being scrambled and Aditya being taken into custody in Spain.
Where he is presumably explaining to the coppers, right now, just how incredibly clever he is.
Class fool, Angie
LABOUR deputy leader Angela Rayner made a speech in Parliament.
She used the word “less” when she meant “fewer”.
The House of Commons record Hansard asked her if she wanted her words changed.
Rayner said no, she didn’t want her “working-class” grammar altered.
Listen, Angie. Don’t go confusing working-class with just pig- ignorant.
There are plenty of working-class people who speak proper.
Just not you.
Getting more stupid and poor
THE British population is getting more and more stupid and poor.
This is according to a huge new study by the University of East Anglia.
The reason is that the brighter and richer you are, the fewer children you tend to have.
While skint dipsticks drop a sprog once every 72 hours, or something.
How do we deal with this? Maybe a government scheme.
Every time a dimbo wears a condom during sex, the Government give him a Jaffa Cake.
Also, all contestants on Love Island are banned from breeding.
SCIENTISTS are hoping to set up “poo-banks” in order to harvest the useful bacteria which thrive in our bodily waste.
The stuff would be stored on ice, like the best caviar.
There is even the suggestion that donors could receive ten quid per dump, assuming it is of high quality and not one of those Sunday morning affairs after a night down the pub followed by a vindaloo.
I already keep my own poo in empty Cinnamon Toast Crunch packets.
They are neatly sealed and stored in the wardrobe in our guest bedroom.
So on this issue I am ahead of the game.
I had intended for them to be handed down to my children upon my passing, but if science can make use of them then all well and good.
It’s ol ’ what’s his ace
WHERE the hell did Cameron Norrie come from?
OK, I’m not the world’s biggest tennis fan. But I’d never heard of the bloke.
And all of a sudden he’s in the Wimbledon semi-finals.
He’s only the fourth British bloke to achieve that since records began.
Mind you, “British” is pushing it a tad. He was born in South Africa and used to represent New Zealand at tennis.
But, hell, any port in a storm, huh? We’ll take him. Especially if he can beat that sullen, vax-dodging Serb, Novak Djokovic, in their semi-final clash.
What we then want is a final between Cameron and that smirking, brain-dead Aussie brat Nick Kyrgios.
And an umpire who really gets Kyrgios’s goat. I might even watch it.
Got to have something to do before the football starts up again.
Gimme a niggle giggle
TERRY REAL, the “therapist to the stars”, has written a book about “normal marital hatred”.
It’s about those little things we do that eventually drive our partners to the divorce courts.
A couple of decades back, I recall a woman who divorced her husband because whenever he made her a cup of tea, he said: “More tea, vicar?”
After 40 years of this, something just snapped.
My own mum threatened to leave my dad because he persisted in calling her “Saucer-head”.
My first long-term girlfriend left because every time I went out, she couldn’t bear me singing a song I’d made up.
READ MORE SUN STORIES
It was: “I’m going to the shops for some milk. I’m not wearing clothes made of silk.” Or at least that’s what she said.
I’d be delighted to hear what little niggles really get your partner’s goat.