Abuse trauma can last a lifetime. Five years later, I am still waking up covered in shame, sweat and fear, says Mel B
MEL B says that it is vitally important to raise awareness around sexual consent – because when it is violated, the results can be devastating.
Despite her wealth and fame, the former Spice Girls star felt she would not be believed after it happened to her – which is the case for many victims.
Now, as part of The Sun’s #NoMeansNo campaign, the 46-year-old singer and her daughter Phoenix, 22, are bravely sharing their own stories after distressing footage circulated on social media of a young woman accusing a top footballer of sexual assault.
Phoenix, who witnessed some of the worst attacks on her mum, goes into schools to teach kids about consent.
Domestic abuse has increased by a staggering 60 per cent since the pandemic, according to new research from Women’s Aid and YSL Beauty.
Here Mel, who is a patron of Women’s Aid, explains why it is important to act now.
"THIS weekend I heard the traumatic recording of a woman allegedly being raped by a man she clearly trusted.
These situations can happen to any woman — although in my case, the situation was different.
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For ten years I was in an emotionally and physically abusive marriage which I finally left in 2017.
Things happened between myself and my ex [Stephen Belafonte] that I still don’t fully remember to this day because post-abuse trauma can last a lifetime.
But nearly five years on I still wake up in the early hours with terrifying fragments of sounds and images flitting into my brain.
Things I’ve tried to block float to the surface — things that can still make me feel drenched in shame, sweat and fear.
I know that many women who are raped and abused within relationships feel powerless and invisible, which is why I am speaking out.
When I eventually left my marriage, I decided to risk my career by writing a book, Brutally Honest, about my experiences.
My ex had drummed into me that no one would ever believe me, that I had no proof, and that because drink, drugs and sex were all part of our relationship, I would be tarnished goods for life.
But for a woman who stood for Girl Power, I felt I had to break cover because I knew that what happened to me was happening to millions of others.
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There was a problem. The massive hangover of trauma from that relationship meant there was so much I could not remember. My writer had to piece so much together from talking to my close friends, family and colleagues to fill in the gaps from my memory.
To my horror I found out what my daughter, Phoenix, had witnessed. Knowing what my daughter saw kills me. Knowing that at the time of writing my book I had no clear memory of that night is very disturbing.
I’d been through so much and sunk so low that my self-esteem was zero. Being isolated from my family, I had no one to confide in so I turned to drink and drugs to dull my pain.
I didn’t realise, until after my book was published, that so many women follow this exact pattern. Drugs and drink are a form of self-medication to blot out torment, shame and guilt. I was completely out of it when I was videoed having sex — one of the most humiliating things that I endured in my abusive relationship.
I have met so many women through Women’s Aid who have had the very same thing happen to them.
SELF-ESTEEM WAS ZERO
Women who were drugged and made to have sex with other men, women who were made to feel they had to go along with the most degrading situations for fear of the consequences or because they didn’t really know what they were doing. You feel no one is ever going to believe your side of the story.
You put on a front that everything is OK because you have no control over anything, and there’s even a part of you that believes if you keep going along with everything, things will change and you’ll enjoy a normal, loving relationship.
I have no idea how many women have been through this in their lives. All I know is that when I spoke out, I would hear story after story that mirrored my experience.
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And so as ugly as this situation is, it is once again highlighting the massive issue of abuse against women in the home.
We need to talk about it, deal with it and do everything in our power to see justice done."
What is consent?
CONFUSED about consent? Here, Women’s Aid explains the issue . . .
- Consent is when each party agrees to – and has the freedom and capacity to agree to – sexual contact.
- Consent can be withdrawn at any point.
- If either party continues after consent has been withdrawn, it is either sexual assault or rape.
- Consent is required for all sexual activity or contact, whether that is in person or virtually.
- Consent can be impaired if the person is under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
- Under-16s are unable to consent to sex under law, even if they say they want to.
- You can be raped or sexually assaulted if you are in a relationship or married to the person.
- Rape is rape, no matter how many times you have had consensual sex before.
- Sexual violence can take many forms, and can include coercive behaviour and sharing sexual images of someone online – what is commonly known as “revenge porn”.