I was date raped when I was 19 – why, over 30 years on, are women still having to fight to make men realise no means no?

WITH harrowing audio and pictures circulating on social media, a top footballer has been accused of rape and assault by a young woman.

Whatever the truth of the allegations, the case has brought issues of sexual consent to the fore.

Shutterstock

Starting today, The Sun is teaming up with Women’s Aid to launch the #NoMeansNo campaign, calling for greater awareness around consent.

We’ll be exploring what consent is, how to talk to your children about it – and telling the devastating stories of survivors of domestic abuse.

Women’s Aid chief executive Farah Nazeer says: “No means no, but it goes way beyond that.

“We should strive for consent that is fully informed, mutual and enthusiastic.

“Sex with your partner should feel safe, happy and healthy.”

Here, Sun columnist Ulrika Jonsson shares her personal experience and explains why no really must mean no.

IT is hard to unsee those images of bruises and blood posted by a young woman who has accused Manchester United striker Mason Greenwood of physical and sexual assault.

It is considerably harder to unhear the voice recording.

Greenwood, 20, has been arrested over the allegations, but whatever the outcome, distressing tales such as these always make me think about the issue of consent.

This is 2022.

And yet it feels as if the debate around these issues could have been made 30 or 50 years ago when much of society all too readily chose to brush over a woman’s right to say no.

Of course, we do not know what happened in this case, but amid the commentary running alongside the social media posts — which were swiftly taken down by the woman — were remarks questioning whether the allegations could be considered rape if they were within the context of a relationship.

I was astounded that this would still be questioned.

While this story is not about me, it hit a very personal nerve.

Aged 19 I was sexually assaulted in my hotel room, in the middle of the day, by someone who chose to ignore my repeated pleas of: “No! No! No!”

All the while the assault took place, I was silenced by my own fear and tormented by thoughts that this was probably of my own doing because I had invited the man into my space.

It was 1986. The very idea of “date rape” did not exist.

There is no way in the world I would have gone to the police after my experience, either.

Aged 19 I was sexually assaulted in my hotel room, in the middle of the day, by someone who chose to ignore my repeated pleas of: ‘No! No! No!’

Ulrika Jonsson

Consent was just not something anyone had ever discussed with me, whether at school or in the home.

Before the assault — and for many years to follow — I was naive enough to think that rape was something you might be unlucky enough to be subjected to by a stranger in a dark alley in the dead of night.

It had never occurred to me that it would happen in the warmth of a hotel room, in broad daylight.

And that was probably most women’s thinking.

But the public conversation and the mood has changed.

For decades women’s voices have gradually been getting louder.

And while we are making attempts to explain to women that they have to give clear consent, we have been less successful at imploring men to seek it.

I am the mother of four children, two of whom are boys.

My oldest is an adult of 27 and I don’t recall ever having the conversation with him about seeking consent if he found himself in an intimate setting with a girl.

I definitely should have done so, but while there are no absolute guarantees, he has always been a decent, respectable boy with a good moral compass.

Perhaps because it wasn’t part of the public discourse at the time, I didn’t bring it up.

But moreover, it was his strong sense of right and wrong which meant I never felt the need.

All the while the assault took place, I was silenced by my own fear and tormented by thoughts that this was probably of my own doing because I had invited the man into my space.

Ulrika Jonsson

Fast forward to my youngest boy, who is 13 and currently going through the trauma that is puberty.

He finds himself living in a house dominated by two strong, feminist women: His mum and his older sister.

Chats about consent and how to treat women feature in many conversations around the dinner table.

We try to cover all the bases — women’s fears, women’s experiences historically and presently, and his own personal responsibility in relation to women and girls.

He listens and understands.

It is a fact of my life that I have always found it more painful to tell my daughters how to avoid being hurt by men than it has been to tell my boys not to hurt women.

They may both feel like conversations that should not need to be had.

But the discussion this weekend proves it is more needed than ever.

There has been so much speculation, critique and observation around the fact that the woman in question uploaded images and recordings on social media rather than going to the police with her testimony.

For most people this trial by social media is unfathomable and inexcusable.

Who knows what the truth is at this point?

But one truth is that many women do not trust the police or the criminal justice system — and who can blame them for that?

There is no way in the world I would have gone to the police after my experience, either.

Ulrika Jonsson

The Crown Prosecution Service continues to not serve women well.

Fewer than one in 60 rape cases leads to a charge.

And convictions fell to an all-time low in 2020, down almost two-thirds on 2016-17.

Add to that the very idea that this might be someone in a committed relationship and you can already make out the blurred lines of consent and obligation.

Not forgetting, of course, that for so many women, the prospect of having their sexual past and potentially “provocative” present of posing and pouting online analysed by lawyers is just an exercise in endurance too great for them to even contemplate.

On this occasion, Manchester United suspended the player quite speedily and his sponsor, Nike, said they were “deeply concerned”.

Clearly, any accused person is innocent until proven otherwise.

And nothing so far has been proved.

But this is a public hot potato for sponsors and the club.

Violence against women is not attractive merchandise to have attached to your brand.

I was one of the first to call out the misogyny of the football world, which has been slow on the uptake and could still be considered to be dragging its feet.

The cynic in me will always wonder whether the clubs and sponsors are merely going through the motions to protect their resources, their brands and their reputations.

The Crown Prosecution Service continues to not serve women well. Fewer than one in 60 rape cases lead to a charge.

Ulrika Jonsson

I hope that is an excessively pessimistic view but, in all honesty, the veiled, deep-rooted sexism that has been stubborn to shift among some players has been a huge part of the reason I turned my back on football.

I’ll watch the World Cup but I cannot engage with the game at club level.

When my on-off boyfriend Stan Collymore dragged me to the back of a Scottish pub in Paris on the eve of the 1998 World Cup and kicked and punched me to the ground, the world did not quite know how to deal with it.

His club, Aston Villa, said they were “disappointed” and wanted to speak to their player “at the earliest opportunity”.

But from memory he was not suspended or sacked.

In fact, he went on to have a career as a commentator.

Subsequently, I lost count of the conversations I had with other people associated with the world of football who would throw me lines like, “I heard you were being provocative”.

Or, “You were winding him up”. Better still, “You were drunk”.

I was none of those things, but that was the perfect excuse for the justification of violence of men carried out against women.

Going forward, I cannot imagine any conversation about puberty, intimacy and sex not including consent. It’s definitely one for the boys.

We all have a duty to keep the lines of communication open with our children.

And we must bring home to them that without permission and approval, there is no place for sexual relationships. At all.