When I broke up from my ex he lived across road, he would still pop upstairs. I could feel myself growling, says Ulrika
WELL, here’s a sentence I never thought I’d utter: I really feel for Kanye West.
I mean, it’s not as if I worry about him paying his heating bills this winter.
He’s a handsome lad and lives a charmed life, if not prone to the occasional random outburst which the rest of us might struggle to comprehend.
The boy done good.
He posted recently that he had not been told the location of his daughter Chicago’s birthday party.
Then, when he later attended it, he and his ex Kim reportedly had to stay at opposites sides of the bash.
This was a reminder of how horrendous those early days after a break-up can be.
There will be a decent chunk of people preparing to navigate that same landscape — of trying to behave in a civil manner while still wanting to rage at their ex, and continuing, in the short-term, to share the territory that was once the family home.
And it is difficult. Emotionally but perhaps more so physically and domestically.
Wounds still weeping
I guess I’ve been lucky because I’ve never had to walk down the drive with a slither of my belongings in a bag and see my children’s noses pressed against the cold window of a new, uncertain future.
I’ve always been left to hold the fort, for practical reasons.
Leaving can’t be easy but staying is equally conflicting.
And it’s the question of domestic territory that lies at the heart of Kanye’s sorry tale. It’s the not knowing where the boundaries lie in those early days.
Kanye is an ex and he has complained he was stopped by security from entering his sister-in-law Kylie Jenner’s home to spend time with his children.
Crumbs, it’s a truly ghastly situation to be in and it’s for that reason I feel for him.
I have found it somewhat awkward when cuts are still fresh and wounds are still weeping and the anger sits like a knot of vipers in your stomach.
My ex-husband ended up living just across the road and still had a key to our family home for ages.
This was, in large part, because we co-parented well and I wanted the transition to be as seamless as it could possibly be for the children’s sake.
But my feelings of agitation the second he was at the house must have been clear to everyone, no matter how much I tried to hide them.
He would still pop upstairs as if he still lived there, and I could hear myself growling under my breath behind my civil smile.
It was ungraceful and unseemly.
But at the time I needed him to be away from me, removed from my personal space, not around.
EXPLOSIVE TERRAIN
And yet he needed to be around for the sake of the children.
And I know it’s easy to say that you should keep up a friendly front for the sake of your little ones, to not show evidence of any of the turbulence in your head and your heart.
But it is much more difficult to execute. In so many cases, however, it’s the adults who behave worse than the children.
Pettiness and immaturity, carping and bickering, are the order of the day because it’s a simple overspill from all the anger and frustration that’s been bubbling under for months.
The fact is, those early days of separation, departure and uncertainty are nothing short of ghastly.
I wouldn’t go back there for all the rum in the Caribbean.
It’s stressful, and because there is no guidebook to this new, explosive terrain, you remain a volatile tourist of a most uncontrollable and undignified disposition.
We must sit tight, bite our lips, be brave — and as the Swedes would say, “have ice in our tummies” — because it is only time itself that will sooth our frustrations.
It doesn’t stay like this for ever.
Logistics and practicalities gradually change.
My own situation soon became very relaxed and free of irritation and turmoil.
But I sympathise for the parent who feels alienated, just as much as I do for the one who is left holding the children.
So if you’re reading this, Kanye my friend, always remember the words of the D:ream song: “Things can only get better.”
Unless, of course, you continue to wear ridiculous boots and weird masks and say strange things that confuse people.
You got this.
Stick your happy snaps where the sun don’t shine
CAN you please stop it, in your sexy bikinis and shiny, lithe bodies.
I can’t bear the thought of seeing another near-naked body in the heat of the sun, like this Instagram snap from Love Islanders Lucie Donlan and Maura Higgins, or sipping cocktails, or emerging from the sea like Bond Girl Ursula Andress in Dr No.
Stop showing me your happy, healthy, loving, romantic relationships, too.
I don’t want to see your tans or your designer sunglasses either.
Nor your delicious restaurant food and glorious sunsets.
I’m currently on my knees with exhaustion.
I face a mountain of laundry every day, a bleak, grey garden, a fridge that needs cleaning out and the remnants of Christmas decs I forgot to put away.
I don’t want to hear the nagging of children, I don’t want any more emails from school demanding my attention.
I don’t want to be freezing my hands off de-icing my car. Or watch my complexion greying and my hair limping its way through January.
I want a holiday. And I want one pronto. Who’s coming?
Respect mental health
OH January, you greatest misery of all earthly miseries.
You creep in unsuspectedly like a grim reaper, dangling your menacing scythe over our heads.
You’re grey and cold. You’ve left our wallets empty and your days are short and dark. I don’t much like you.
And I know many people struggle at this time of year.
I should imagine it’s the month our mental health is most affected.
So I was encouraged to see the new mental health campaign on behalf of our wonderful NHS fronted by a bunch of slebs, including Craig David.
The promotional video uses inspiration from The Beatles song Help! and urges people to take care of their mental health.
Since the pandemic, 2.3million people have come forward for NHS talking therapies, suffering from stress, anxiety, low mood and depression.
And I’m not surprised.
But while the talking therapies are run by experts and you can be referred by your GP, the fact remains that treatment for those with bad mental health is still the very poor relation within the NHS.
Things may slowly be improving but they are nowhere near where they need to be.
If you go to the doctor for physiological reasons – with a suspicious, painful lump, for instance – the chances are you will be referred for tests and it may take a couple of weeks or so.
But you are unlikely to die that very day.
If, however, your mental health is at its lowest point, waiting months, half a year, a year or a year and a half could actually mean the end for those who are desperate.
Some people will just not last that long. By the time they come forward for help, they’re already pretty far gone.
And it devastates me that we have been so slow on the uptake.
That we haven’t realised that in many cases people are a danger to themselves and need help immediately.
In the meantime, of course, I wholly endorse this new campaign.
But just because you can’t see someone’s suffering doesn’t mean it’s not an urgent emergency.
Blame game over
RAPPER Machine Gun Kelly has described how the engagement ring he helped design for his fiancée, actress Megan Fox has a band made of thorns so, “If she tries to take it off, it hurts”.
The couple also supposedly drank each other’s blood after his proposal.
That’ll do it then, they’ll never divorce.
Except I’m not sure I’ve heard of a creepier, more controlling message – that you’ll make it b’stard difficult for your partner to leave if things go belly up – to give out as you stand on the threshold of your married life.
I’m a great believer in marriage despite being there, buying the T-shirt and handing it back three times.
But I’m also a firm believer in divorce.
The introduction of the No-fault Divorce Bill has been on the Government’s agenda for many years – it’s supposed to come into play in England and Wales in April this year, and it won’t be a minute too soon.
We are living longer and having more relationships, which, in turn, means we are likely to go through more divorces, collectively.
To that end, we need to have a responsible, mature attitude towards the end of relationships and marriages.
It still baffles me that the state has to get involved in such a personal situation.
It’s not a pleasant experience, for the most part, but it certainly doesn’t need to be made more unbearable by mud-slinging and prolonged suffering.
Bring on no-fault divorce.