The nation’s rudest sex invention designs revealed for the first time

IN garden sheds across the land, British inventors are tinkering away to create the revolutionary products of tomorrow.

But some of the ideas dreamed up inside these unlikely dens of iniquity would cause James Dyson to choke on his rich tea biscuits.

We can today reveal the sexy, sordid and shocking inventions dreamed up by the nation's naughtiest inventors, which are now easily accessible for the first time.

Until this week, it was very difficult to sift through the mountains of ideas received by the Intellectual Property Office, which oversees the granting of patents.

Now Google has added details of British patent applications to an easily searchable database, allowing us to quickly see all the bright ideas our inventors have come up with.

"Our mission was to make patents more easily accessible," .

We searched the database to find some of the naughtiest inventions created by Britain's dirtiest, brightest minds. We've decided not to publish the inventors' full names to spare their blushes.

One female entrepreneur tried to get a patent for a "sex toy containing personally meaningful items", which sounds like a reasonably acceptable idea until you read the description of the invention, which is "substantially phallic in size".

"The personally meaningful items, such as jewellery, locks of hair or ashes of a deceased lover, are contained within the internal channel such that when the sex toy is inserted into the vagina or anus, the items are essentially inside the user," wrote Debbie from Dagenham, the woman who came up with the idea.

"His significant other may be living away, perhaps in the military, or may even have passed away. Feeling close to that person may contribute to the sexual pleasure of the person using the toy."

The patent is still pending on this device, we're sad to report.

In 2009, an inventor called Adam attempted to patent a device which stimulated a man's frenulum - the piece of skin which connects the main shaft of a chap's penis to his foreskin.

The X-rated inventor said that stimulating this sensitive part of the male anatomy is "successful in causing ejaculation, usually within less than 1 minute and sometimes within just seconds of stimulation".

One man was granted a patent for an invention called "The Easy Rider", which features two handlebars which control the speed of a vibrator inserted into a woman's safe space.

In his patent, which we've edited to remove grammatical mistakes, he wrote: "These handle bars resemble those found on any motorbike and are securely fastened to provide control over movement.

"One handlebar acts as a throttle and connects to the attached clitoral stimulator, controlling the speed of vibration."

Another bloke, called Ronald, was granted a patent for a particularly clever battery-free "manually operated vibrator", which works by operating a plunger to cause the vibrations.

The inventor said his ingenious sex toy cut down on the safety risk posed by women pleasuring themselves in "submerged or wet environments" using a vibrator that's plugged into the mains.

He wrote: "The vibrator can be used in environments that would make an electrically powered device inoperable or even unsafe.

"It can never be left running unattended and is potentially healthier for users as it induces them into physical activity to experience stimulation."

A female bright spark was granted a patent for a gizmo which can be used to exercise the muscles inside a woman's vagina and then plays "different voice messages or tunes" determined by the pressure the lady exerts.

In 2005, another lady attempted to patent a device which could remotely switch on a sex toy using a mobile phone, although the application was later removed.

We also found a "sex toy covering" called "Odd Sox" and a "Squeeze me gently sex toy", although both applications were terminated, as well as discovering an application for a "Mini sex robot (x-suga box) and sensational bra", although more details were not forthcoming because this application was also withdrawn.

Another clever device was a pendant which could be worn around the neck to monitor posture, or inserted in an intimate orifice to perform a wholly different task.

Luckily, not every patent was accompanied with drawings - something you'll be glad of when you hear about the "foreskin restraining device" or a "sex aid including a rotatable stool having a central hole and four height adjustable support legs".

And that's just skimming the surface.

Once you dig into the pornographic patents filed by British inventors, you'll never look at a garden shed the same way again.