Why I’m proper mugged off that Love Island’s over
Sun columnist says certain things have happened inside that villa that no amount of lobotomising can ever erase
FAIR play to dear old Caroline Flack. Those ancient legs of hers haven’t managed much more than hour on air during this entire series of Love Island.
But the wise old ITV2 bird certainly hit the nail on the head, day one, when she said: “It’s going to be an unforgettable six weeks.”
And it’s true. Certain things have happened inside that villa that no amount of lobotomising can ever erase.
Things like: Emma mounting Terry to the unlikely sound of Bizet’s Carmen. Adam getting on all fours to interrupt three mid-passion couples with a fart of elephantine proportions. And sweet little Zara Holland performing her way out of the Miss Great Britain title with the line: “I don’t know what came over me.”
You don’t forget any of that in a hurry. So you can chuck all the insults you like in the direction of this show, “a new low”, “nation shaming”, “The Descent Of Man” and I’ll probably nod in agreement.
But it won’t change the fact I’ve relished Love Island from the moment it became clear they’d chosen contestants who had all the “qualities” needed to turn civilian sunbathing into a genuine TV event.
The blokes were a frightening mix of ego, ignorance, hormones and insecurity, as were the girls, who came with the added threat of violence: “Tel. You come back with another girl. I’ll bite it off.” (Emma).
Exceptions existed, of course, like Nathan and Scott, who were the only two that knew the leader of the Labour Party wasn’t Boris Johnson. Most, though, were on the same page as Adam, from Belfast, who thought the sea separating Ireland from Britain was: “The Pacific Ocean.”
This led to some basic communication issues, as Scott discovered when he told Tina: “You look like butter wouldn’t melt.”
“A melon?” “Like butter wouldn’t melt.” “I’ve never heard that expression before, butter wooden melon.”
For large chunks of the series, however, they simply stuck to their own Love Island dialect, which was based around one word and demonstrated most eloquently when Malin confronted Terry (re: Emma).
“You’ve been mugging me off.” “But you mugged me off. I’ve been the biggest mug, mugging me off completely.” “You’re a complete mug.” “I’m not a mug, you’re the mug.”
It was Mugaggedon out there, at times, and could’ve become tiresome very quickly. Unlike the relentlessly vile Big Brother, however, Love Island understood you needed light as well as shade.
So when things got too muggy they took the simple but brilliant step of adding half a dozen puppies to the villa.
Try as much you like, it’s impossible to hate any show when there’s a Jack Russell chasing its own nuts in the background.
It’s difficult also when they’ve clearly put so much effort into the soundtrack which, as well as Shaggy and The Birdy Song, also included Beethoven, Wagner and Mozart’s Requiem in D Minor, to acknowledge Sophie’s split with Tom.
They really did care about this stupid show.
What truly set it apart from other dross, however, was Iain Stirling’s commentary. Mocking without being too mocking, it had some brilliant running gags, particularly about James, the newsagent from Teddington, and was never less than honest about the show’s dishonourable intentions.
“Time for a date. And I’ll be frank with you, the budget’s gone. So we’re doing this one round the pool with a bottle of cava and some canteen leftovers.”
It damns me almost as much as it damns ITV that I found so much of this funny and nothing, obviously, excuses the shameless exploitation.
But there’s no point denying Love Island saw me through the dark, empty TV weeks of a Scotland-free Euro 2016 and the fact it ended, last night, hasn’t left me feeling a bit forlorn or even slightly bereft, I’m proper mugged off.
Rylan's copped a dud
SOME Big Brother contestants are impossible to vanish.
Take, for instance, 2013 housemate Dan Neal, a short-fused cry-baby who worked as a policeman but was clearly prepared to do anything for fame.
He got lucky, as well, and married Rylan, the current answer to all TV prayers. So there he was, on Friday, looking like Oddbod Junior, fluffing endless lines as he co-hosted This Morning really badly.
Nerves plus an “emotional” Ferne McCann clearly didn’t help. The real issue, though, was that Rylan and Dan, pictured, had no chemistry, just an undercurrent of bickering. They’ll see this as “passion,” of course, but whatever the explanation, Rylan took on the air of David Dimbleby in Dan’s company.
No small achievement given his over-familiar schtick also left former police marksman Tony Long looking distinctly twitchy. Once because Rylan called him “The Met’s own serial killer,” twice because he then abbreviated it to “Tone”, and a third time ’cos he cut short his book plug.
Official excuse was a weather update, but the real problem was a host who doesn’t know how to get to the point and ask the killer question.
“You know what it’s like to shoot someone. You’ve shot five people, in 25 years . . . ”
So two presenters, one bullet, tell us who you’re taking out, Tone?
— THE point at which Love Island gives way to Trainspotting Live is the point I shout “TAXI!” and the column vanishes until July 26. Please sort out your Andrea Leadsom lookalikes, during the hiatus, as “Rod Hull?” isn’t quite cutting it.
Enders a shining fright
EASTENDERS. It’s so Eighties it hurts. Actors, script, political agenda and last week’s attempt to recreate The Shining, with Vince from Just Good Friends in the Jack Nicholson role.
An absolute stinker of a story which also involved a deserted mansion, Gillian Taylforth, Jacko from Brush Strokes (Karl Howman) and Howards’ Way’s Jan Harvey, whose character broke her neck in a unlikely balcony fall.
A sensational turn of events, by earthly standards. Yet come Monday, it merited barely a mention. Instead we had to believe Billy Mitchell had become so diverted and horrified by Les Coker’s transvestite secret he went a bit Arkwright trying to spit out the word “pervert” and one of my favourite ever EastEnders lines.
“Corpses I can work with.” (It’s practically in his contract).
“But I will not work with pa-perrr pa-perrr . . .” Pa-Paul Nicholas?
Don’t blame you, Bill.
— INCIDENTALLY, zero reaction to the BBC’s excellent Wimbledon commentator Sam Smith revealing Felix Torralba “regularly tops the unofficial sexiest umpire poll,” on the women’s tour. And why should there be? It’s harmless gossip.
But just imagine the professional indignation if the genders were reversed and sigh wearily for the two-faced, petty-minded, moral traffic wardens we’ve let ourselves become.
Great TV lies and delusions of the month
This Morning, Phillip Schofield: “On tomorrow’s show, Rylan and Dan will be presenting together for the first time. That’ll be great.”
Big Brother s**t stirrer Andy: “I’ve got this false reputation as a s**t stirrer.”
And Good Morning Britain, Piers Morgan: “The Last Leg could be described as Have I Got News For You without the laughs.”
But for the fact Have I Got News For You hasn’t had any laughs since about 2012.
— CELEBRITY MasterChef clarification required. Towie’s Amy Childs: “I had a date once, it was terrible. I burnt everything.”
Starter and main? Or carpet and knees?
Random TV irritations
The Last Leg hypocrites having the actual six-balled nerve to make huffy noises about the under-representation of women in politics.
Feature film-length episodes of Celebrity MasterChef. An epidemic of Euro 2016 pundits telling me teams have, “A puncher’s chance”. ITV’s continuity announcer billing This Morning’s guest as: “The legendary Nina Conti.”
And Celebrity First Dates virtually having to clear the whole restaurant to accommodate the ego of Richard Blackwood, who claimed: “The next big thing, after EastEnders, can only be Hollywood.”
Though who can blame him, frankly. It’s Watford’s finest bowling alley.
LINK of the week
This belongs to Good Morning Britain’s Kate Garraway, with this gear crunch during the Dallas shootings.
“The wonderful Rick Astley, with his song Angels On My Side and actually, if you listen to the words, with the events of this morning, there seems to be an extra layer of emotion there.”
’Cos, rest assured, Texans, if you ask me how I’m feeling, don’t tell me you’re too blind to see. Never gonna give you up . . .
TV Gold
The pride of Dunblane’s glorious Wimbledon win, on BBC1. Murder In Successville’s dating app for curry lovers – “Vindr”. The Discovery Channel’s Life After Chernobyl wildlife documentary concluding with the uplifting news: “Great tits have adjusted to the radiation levels.”
Gabriel Clarke’s beautiful tribute to Gary Speed, before ITV’s coverage of the Wales v Portugal game.
And Esther Rantzen pulling me up short with her definition of loneliness on Celebrity First Dates. “I’ve got plenty of people to do something with, but nobody to do nothing with.” One of those unexpectedly touching moments which really does need a waiter to arrive with an amusingly-shaped baked potato to lighten the mood.
GREAT Sporting Insights
Glenn Hoddle: “A lot of players are suffering from fatigueness.”
Glenn Hoddle: “If we won a penalty shootout it’d go a long way to improving our record with them.”
Glenn Hoddle: “He connected cleanly but didn’t connect cleanly cleanly.”
And just for crazy variety, Ryan Giggs: “Louis mentioned Griezmann’s always on the move but he’s also good at standing still.”