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ALLY ROSS
BBC’s Celebrity Best Home Cook is self-basting and VERY grating
ATTEMPTING to sum up the significance of Celebrity Best Home Cook’s final Rustle Up challenge, Chris Bavin went for absolute broke on Wednesday night.
“This,” he said, to solemn nods of agreement from his fellow judges Mary Berry and Angela Hartnett, “is massive, isn’t it.”
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And you knew, in that instant, nothing in the whole history of television, including the civilian version, had ever been less massive.
The only massive thing about BBC1’s Celebrity Best Home Cook, in fact, was its ability to get right under my skin.
That irritation stemmed not just from the BBC’s very obvious belief that, even with its whole future at stake, there’s no such thing as “too many cookery shows”, but also the laziness of the idea and format.
Celebrity Best Home Cook was Great British Bake Off in its desire, Celebrity MasterChef in its execution.
Like both of those shows, CBHC also took an eternity to get anywhere and the only thing you really had to see you through all those dark winter nights of possets and pastas was Mary Berry announcing: “It’s a good sign when I have two mouthfuls.”
A vivid image, Mary, but it certainly wasn’t enough to take my mind off the other major problem with this show — the contestants.
Fame-crazed sister
For never, in all my years watching these things, have I seen a group of minor celebrities who were so ambitious and desperate to win a cookery show.
They wept when they lost, wept when they won, and I bet you Ferne McCann is still weeping now because her Dover sole didn’t turn out quite as she planned.
Indeed, so needy and competitive were this lot, the least worst option of the final three turned out to be Ed Balls who, ever the Labour politician, was playing the prole and claiming “butternut squash is too posh for me”.
A likely bleeding story, you think, given Ed attended one of England’s most prestigious private schools and owns a pasta-making machine.
But all things are relative, I suppose, and he actually had a point given the other two.
One was Boris’s equally fame-crazed sister Rachel Johnson who, like most plummy Englishwomen, isn’t programmed to deal with dissent or setbacks.
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The other was Tom Read Wilson, the over-attentive fop from Celebs Go Dating, who appears to have eaten a thesaurus and speaks only posh innuendo, whether he’s “lubricating my fluted flan tin” or announcing: “I had Perceval palpitations this morning.
Commiserations to Perceval, obviously, and congrats to Ed for his victory, which came as a bit of a relief, because there would’ve been no getting rid of Tom if he’d won.
Emotions were high, at the end, obviously and Ed, who’d positioned himself firmly as the show’s devoted dad, was so overcome to be awarded The Golden Spoon he could barely choke out his victory speech.
The thing that grated, however, was the assumption that came with host Claudia Winkleman describing him as the show’s “first ever winner” and Mary adding he was “making history”.
’Cos it turns out they’ve already decided CBHC is part of the TV furniture.
An annual fixture, if you please. Even though its only contribution to history will be a footnote in someone’s Decline And Fall Of The BBC book, and the only issue to be resolved was Claudia shrieking: “I never thought I’d say ‘come on the banana’ in quite this context.”
Which rather begged the question, in what context did Claudia think she’d ever shout: “Come on the banana?”
EastEnders confession of the month
Serial killer Rev Lucas Johnson, as interpreted by Don Gilet: “The reason I’m here is because I’ve done things I’m not proud of.”
Midsomer Murders, Holby City, Death In Paradise. You name it, he’s done it.
Don't let the mask slip
NO head of state, Pope or Miss World has ever taken their duties quite as seriously as guest judge Nicola Roberts did on Saturday’s entertaining final of The Masked Singer.
She’s a solemn enough girl at the best of times, of course, but the Girls Aloud singer looked like she was attending the state opening of Parliament until it came time to hand over her crown and the enormity of the occasion got to her.
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“I’m feeling emotional,” said Nicola, contemplating the choice between someone in a badger outfit and a woman dressed as a cone of sausage and chips, “because I know what winning actually means.”
Means? Unless she’s talking about a guest slot on Loose Women, I hadn’t thought the contest meant anything, until that exact moment.
I thought it was just a bit of a laugh and hope it never tries to be anything more than that either.
Because the simple joy of The Masked Singer is that the show is almost totally devoid of ambition, forced emotion, sob stories and all the other cynical manipulations that made The X Factor unwatchable towards the end of its existence.
The trick now, for ITV, will be to avoid falling into the same traps and allowing it to become the plaything of ambitious showbiz agents who’ve seen the incredible boost it’s given Joss Stone, a worthy series two winner whose final four words of the run showed she understood The Masked Singer’s charm perfectly.
“What a funny show.”
It is, ITV. So don’t you dare ruin it.
Great TV lies and delusions of the month
Life Stories, Gemma Collins: “J-Lo, Beyonce, Madonna. People really do see me being the next in line.”
Life Stories, Chris Eubank: “I’m in the ring with Piers Morgan, the greatest of journalists.”
The Sun TV Mag, Piers Morgan on reality shows: “I’ve only ever done one, Celebrity Apprentice in the US, and I won.”
So who was the mound of sound getting his arse fired, by Lord Sugar, on Britain’s 2007 Celebrity version? Another Piers Morgan?
Unexpected morons in the bagging area
TIPPING Point, Ben Shephard: “Which letter precedes the word day in the name of the World War Two landings of June 1944?”
Parveen: “Doomsday.”
Ben Shephard: “The Suffolk Punch is a breed of which equine animal?”
Christian: “Tiger.”
The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “In 1905, which Austrian painter began The Stoclet Frieze?”
Emily: “Hitler.”
Let it go, Emily.
Random TV irritations
THE BBC’s “Festival Of Funny” unravelling the moment it mentioned “Kiri Pritchard-McLean”.
Keeley Hawes having the worst six weeks of her career on Finding Alice.
The Masked Singer failing to flash up Sir Alex’s picture when Davina guessed Sausage was “Fergie”.
Presenters and stand-ups who can’t hide the genuine pain Britain’s successful vaccine roll-out causes them. And Sunday Times interviewee Marcus Brigstocke attempting to highlight the pandemic plight of (wait for it): “Comedians, who’ve not had a single penny in Government support and I’m a bit resentful about it.”
The moral of that particular sob story being: Be a funny comedian, not a left-wing one.
Ongoing telly mysteries
Why does ITV still bother with The Voice?
When did television decide Gregg Wallace is the new Alan Whicker?
How come The Real Housewives Of Jersey credits has a “Head of Talent?”
And what right-on BBC brain fart inspired the idea two men are strictly forbidden from hosting The One Show together? Was it the Suffragettes? The civil rights movement? Or just some old toss the exec producer read in The Guardian? (I’m guessing C).
Lookalike of the week
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THIS week’s winner is the old bloke from Pure Cremation’s “Just a simple send- off” advert and Jeremy Corbyn (Labour leader, the anti-semitic years).
Emailed in by Pete McDonald.
Great sporting insights
ALLY McCOIST: “How Schmeichel stops this I’ll honestly never know. He gets his right hand on it and pushes it away.”
Dan Walker: “I know you’re both always very confident about Arsenal but I want to see where your confidence levels are.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
Most read in Ally Ross
TV gold
BADGER and Sausage embracing at the climax of a triumphant Masked Singer final.
READ MORE SUN STORIES
EastEnders somehow talking Brian Conley into playing a character who rejoices in the name Terry Cant (don’t think it isn’t appreciated).
And saving grace of Celebs Go Dating, Rob Beckett, managing the expectations of two more girls who were hoping to meet their “dream man” in either Joey Essex or Curtis Pritchard: “Hmmm. How about someone who’s the second-best dancer in his family and a bloke who lives in Essex for his job?”
Excited Ant and Dec belt out Saturday Night Takeaway theme tune ahead of first show of series
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