With hooliganism we’ve been beaten at our own game
Plenty of games to go but the Russians are already winning the coveted title of Most Repulsive People Ever, we Brits used to have that sewn up
WISH you were in France right now?
Oil strikes. Labour protests. Rioters being tear-gassed by the police in Paris.
Every couple of days a jihadi mental popping up to stab or shoot someone, screaming the usual Allahu Akbar stuff.
And the intelligence services reckon loads more Muslim extremists are on their way to France as we speak. And what has the rest of Europe done to help? Well, it’s rallied round.
The countries of Europe have put their heads together — and sent out to France thousands of their vilest, stupidest and most violent individuals. For the European Championships.
And so, from Marseilles in the south to Lille in the north, French towns and cities are full of middle-aged, fat, beer-bellied, shaven-headed cretins kicking the living s**t out of each other.
Here a German hammering a Pole over the head with an iron bar. Over there a Turk trying to machete an Italian.
There were no Russkies around on day one of the tournament, when England fans ran amok in Marseilles, torching cafes and attacking the locals and fighting with the police
Just to your left a bunch of Englishmen lamping any French bloke who hoves into view. Restaurants set on fire, gallons of tear gas deployed, hospitals overloaded.
And then there are the Russians. The Russki supporters seem to be exclusively psychopathic, neo-Nazi pigs.
All of them tooled up. Low-rent gangsters dispatched from a pariah, low-rent gangster state — where some of their primitive, thick-as-mince politicians have applauded the acts of violence.
There’s plenty of games to go yet in these championships, but the Russians are already winning the coveted title of Most Repulsive People Ever To Set Foot On Earth.
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Hell, we Brits used to have that sewn up at football tournaments. But we’ve been overtaken of late.
Still, we could all do without the self-righteous whining from the England fans. The complaints about how horrid these Russians really are.
There were no Russkies around on day one of the tournament, when England fans ran amok in Marseilles, torching cafes and attacking the locals and fighting with the police.
We lose on the pitch and cause mayhem off it
So the complaints of bullying by Putin’s plug-ugly maniacs have a slightly hollow ring, you know?
Truth is, the England supporters have been beaten at their own game: Five-nil, no extra time, no penalties needed.
For decades now we’ve been dispatching violent, racist halfwits to all points of the globe in order to “support” the national team.
And it’s always the same result. We lose on the pitch — and off the pitch we cause mayhem and misery in whatever benighted city we’re playing in.
Football hooliganism has been one of our major exports. But just as with manufacturing, where we once led the world, we now lag behind.
It’s always the same result. We lose on the pitch — and off the pitch we cause mayhem and misery in whatever benighted city we’re playing in
We haven’t kept pace. We’ve been overtaken by the Continentals — especially the Eastern Continentals, and especially the Russians.
it’s always the same result. We lose on the pitch — and off the pitch we cause mayhem and misery in whatever benighted city we’re playing in.
We have no right to moan, really. We gave the world this phenomenon and still enjoy trying our hand at it from time to time — as we saw in Marseilles.
It’s just that we’re not quite as good at it any more.
A clothes call for Rita
THERE was a photograph of Rita Ora in The Sun yesterday and she had her t*ts out.
Here’s a question for you.
Have you ever seen a photograph of Rita in which her nipples aren’t high-fiving the entire world?
This time she noticed a camera and – quick as a flash – out came the baps.
It’s incredible. I bet she couldn’t even resist doing it for her passport photo.
BATTLE OF THE BLANDS
ONE of my least favourite songs in the entire history of music is Stairway to Heaven, by Led Zeppelin.
I think I dislike it even more than Bohemian Rhapsody and everything by U2.
Its writers – Zep guitarist Jimmy Page and singer Robert Plant – are in court right now, having been accused of nicking the song’s “distinctive guitar line”.
The late-1960s acid rock band Spirit – who made some INCREDIBLY boring music – reckon it was stolen from a song of theirs called Taurus.
But here’s the point – it ISN’T a distinctive guitar line. It’s a chord progression that’s featured in countless songs since the dawn of time.
So Plant and Page should be allowed to keep all their money.
Especially if they promise to never, ever play it again.
— GREAT fun on the Thames!
A flotilla of boats led by Nigel Farage, campaigning for the UK to leave the EU, was ambushed by a rubber dinghy sent out by the Remain campaigners.
So there was a stand-off between the two near Tower Bridge.
And the salty sea dog captain of the Remain dinghy? Bob Geldof.
I like Bob Geldof, but he didn’t quite win me over. The EU is a rat trap, mate, and we’ve been caught.The EU is a rat trap, mate, and we’ve been caught
You have to give Bob credit for his energy. I was talking to him late the night before his aquatic escapade.
He argued passionately and persuasively for ages that we should remain in the European Union.
He was scared of war breaking out if we left, of Europe disintegrating, of the threat from Russia, of the trouble it would cause in Ireland.
I like Bob, but he didn’t quite win me over.
The EU is a rat trap, mate, and we’ve been caught.
MOANER RON AT IT AGAIN
WONDERFUL to see that wretched little moppet Cristiano Ronaldo carping and moaning after Portugal’s hilarious draw with Iceland.
The tiny country – population about 17 – embarrassed the Portuguese. And stopped the moppet from scoring.
He couldn’t bring himself to shake hands with his opponents.
And in a TV interview afterwards Ronaldo complained that Iceland had played too defensively.
If I were you, mate, I’d clear off in your private jet for some “hugs” with your Moroccan kickboxer boyfriend.
You’re a bad sport. And you’re still a cheat in my book.
Incidentally, I hate to say this – but Italy are looking rather good. Again.
—YAY! It’s a record-breaker!
A woman in Newcastle has had SEVENTEEN children taken away from her by the social services.
She’s been popping them out over the past 30 years – each one a gift from her to the taxpayer.
She must have been almost continuously pregnant for the entire time.
Presumably too thick to know about birth control. Too dense to bring her kids up properly.
How do we dissuade these people from breeding?
— GOT to tell you, it came as a surprise to me when Rolf Harris was outed as a paedo.
I suppose the clues were there – that strange song about a man called Jake who had “an extra leg”, children.
The slightly pervy stuff about tying up kangaroos. And then there were those “two little boys” who had “two little toys”.
Should have known, I suppose – but it never clicked.
It is beginning to look as if almost everyone from the 1970s era of light entertainment did a spot of noncing once the cameras were turned away
Clement Freud, however, was a different kettle of nonce-fish entirely.
Finding out that he was a paedo was about as shocking as discovering that Prince may have once taken drugs.
It is beginning to look as if almost everyone from the 1970s era of light entertainment did a spot of noncing once the cameras were turned away.
0-FIBTY IN SIXTY SECONDS
SOME expert from Texas has worked out four easy signs which show someone is lying to you.
Noah Zandan reckons 60 per cent of people lie through their teeth every ten minutes.
You can spot a lie, he says, if people don’t refer to themselves when telling you something, pad out their story with too much detail, offer an explanation which is suspiciously simple or speak entirely in negative terms.
OK, Noah, I’ll bear all that in mind.
Meanwhile, here’s my sure sign that a politician is lying to you. There’s just one thing to watch out for.
His lips are moving.
— SO the jihadi nutjob Omar Mateen, who murdered all those people in an Orlando nightclub, is a racist as well as an Islamic savage.
Apparently he hunted white people to kill, telling black people that they had “suffered enough”.
Imagine the wailing and gnashing of teeth if the psycho had singled out black people for murder – and yet almost nobody has commented on the fact he chose whites for victims.
And I have to disagree with my brilliant colleague Jane Moore, who wrote yesterday that Mateen, left, was a loony rather than a jihadi.
Well, sure, he’s certainly deranged. But the hatred he felt for white Westerners, and especially gay white Westerners, had its basis in his vile ideology.