Text while you Drive, Vernon … only then will I watch your disastrous motor show that should never have made it onto screens

BIT of advance warning here. Some random minor celebrities will be racing identical Land Rovers round a muddy quarry near Peterborough on ITV tonight.

You’ll probably have no idea what’s going on but may just hear Vernon Kay announce he: “Started the night with three girls. By the end, though?”

Well, Vernon will be lucky if he’s got just one.

Same applies, obviously, on Drive, ITV’s first really big disaster of 2016. A six-part motor sport series which actually got off to a bit of a flyer when it was revealed the eight famous contestants were all being sent to Coventry, where I believe Vernon has a timeshare.

And had it maintained this level of innuendo for the duration, then it might just have been a mildly diverting TV show. Instead, though, with almost his next breath, Vernon was opening up a whole new can of worms.

“Louis (Walsh), is this the worst thing you’ve ever done?”