If we pulled down Peel and put up Flintoff, someone would still moan
AFTER George Floyd was killed by that gormless-looking policeman in America, Britain’s young people decided to end racism in this country by throwing a bicycle at a horse.
I couldn’t quite see their reasoning and soon, neither could they, because they quickly changed tack and decided to go after symbols of racism and anything that was built by slave traders or slaves themselves.
Eventually, this will mean tearing down the Royal Albert Hall, the Natural History Museum, the Colosseum in Rome, the Pyramids in Cairo and that enormous skyscraper in Dubai.
To begin with though, they decided to stick with statues and in scenes of hysteria not seen since Saddam went west in Iraq, they pulled down the statue of a Bristol slave trader called Edward Colston (nope, me neither) and threw it into the sea.
Then they descended on London’s Parliament Square where they daubed anti-racist slogans on the monument to Abraham Lincoln — the man who actually ended slavery in America.
Now, a group calling itself the Stop Trump Coalition — which is supported by the UK Student Climate Network, the Algeria Solidarity Campaign, and Brian Eno — has produced a handy cut-out-’n’-keep list of historical figures whose statues are to be targeted.
Francis Drake, Cecil Rhodes, Henry Morton Stanley, Robert Peel, William Gladstone, Lord Kitchener, Oliver Cromwell and — for those with a ladder — Horatio Nelson.
As a result, we can be fairly sure that soon there will be a lot of empty plinths in Britain, and then the trouble will really start . . .
Because when all the historical figures have gone, who will replace them?
Take Edinburgh as a case in point.
After the statue to slave owner Henry Dundas is melted down and turned into CND badges, which of the city’s most famous children will go up instead?
Sean Connery? Gail Porter? Dolly the Sheep?
There’s a similar issue in Preston, Lancs. When they take down the statue of Robert Peel, who founded the police (not the band) everyone in the town will agree that it should be replaced by a limestone effigy of local boy Freddie Flintoff.
But you can rest assured that if they did this, a bunch of noisy climate enthusiasts would turn up to explain that these days, he hosts some kind of television car show. So he’s a MURDERER!!!
That’s the real issue. Every town and city is going to have to find someone who’s whiter than white, blacker than black, cleaner than a mountain spring and so left of centre, they’re more right-on than U2.
I wonder. Which will be first to decide to make a bronze statue of a local lollipop lady? I bet you it happens.
And who is going to end up in pole position, on that column in Trafalgar Square?
We’ve been down this road before, with the Square’s fourth plinth. It sat empty for 150 years because generations of the great and good couldn’t decide who should be on it.
In 1999, they finally settled on Jesus. But five years later, he was gone and, the last time I looked there was a big blue cock up there.
So if a panel of like-minded corduroy people can’t decide on what should go on the fourth plinth, what possible chance do they have of coming up with a suitable candidate for the column in the centre of the square?
Brunel? Nah. Too Victorian. Frank Whittle? If it weren’t for him and the jet engine, which he invented, we’d have been in lockdown all of our lives, not just for the last 12 weeks.
Plus, he was only 5ft tall so you wouldn’t need much bronze to make a statue of him. But I fear the climate people wouldn’t be happy.
I was tempted to suggest Tim Berners Lee, the inventor of the World Wide Web, but then I remembered that the internet contains facts about Hitler.
It’s therefore racist and that counts him out I’m afraid. Also, he identifies as a man.
So it’s going to have to be a half-eaten kebab, an empty can of gin and a face mask full of sick.
Because I can think of no image that better captures the spirit and essence of Britain today.
Money is root of the problem
AMERICAN scientists have managed to grow real human hair on the back of a mouse, and they’re very excited – saying this is the breakthrough that Wayne Rooney and other folically challenged men have been hoping for.
I’m not excited though, because surely to God there are better things that scientists could be working on right now: like, for example, a cure for Covid-19.
I’m being naive though.
Whoever invents a vaccine for the coronavirus will make a few quid.
Whereas the US beauty and cosmetic business is worth £70BILLION a year.
That’s more than four times what the NHS spends on medicines and drugs.
Mask madness
IF you are wondering if face masks work, consider this.
If the person standing next to you is naked and decides to have a pee, then you will get wet.
If you are wearing underpants, you will still get wet.
But if he is wearing pants, you won’t. Simples.
To the pint on litter
DO you remember in the olden days when we used to worry about how much plastic was in the ocean, and in our parks, and our beaches and our grass verges? Well, I still do.
This week, a survey found that three quarters of all litter is empty drinks bottles.
And now the government has a message: Keep Britain Tidy. Pah. That’s not going to work.
What we need to do is explain to the under-25s that it is possible to cross the room without “hydrating”.
That they can go to the shop and back without the need for water. That they really don’t need five litres a day to survive.
You need water if you are in a desert and it’s a six-day hike to the nearest town. You do not need it if you are in Milton Keynes, waiting for the bus.
When I grew up, I never drank water. No one did.
We lived on pop instead until we were five, when we were old enough to start drinking beer. That’s the message I’d send out today.
Kids: Drink beer. Because beer is never sold in a plastic bottle.
Andrew or Anne?
A SMALL point but if Prince Andrew is “morally and legally” obliged, as has been suggested, to speak with America’s Department of Justice about Jeffrey Epstein, then why is the clumsy CIA agent Anne Sacoolas not “morally and legally” obliged to come back to Britain and face the music over the death of the motorcyclist she allegedly hit while driving on the wrong side of the bloody road?
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Syruppy Starmer
I’VE been watching Sir Starmer carefully this week and have started to wonder if his hair is a single entity – a giant molecule that could be removed all in one go.
Like Ken’s from the Barbie doll line-up.
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Certainly, Sir Starmer’s barnet looks exactly the same now as it did when the lockdown began.
And how is that possible when all the barbers’ shops have been shut?
Used to being a hermit
SO, the shops are open on Monday, and to kick-start the economy we should all get out there and buy as much as possible.
The only trouble is, I’ve now got so used to being a hermit, I can’t think of anything I want.