Those Channel 4 lefties quit laughing at 10pm – funny that
IN time-honoured election fashion, I’ve got to ask: Were you still up for the Nish Kumar moment?
Please tell me you were.
’Cos I was. It had just gone midnight, all his socialist fantasies were in tatters, as Nish bellowed: “The country has fundamentally let me down.”
And for the first time in his career, he made me howl with laughter.
The highlight of my General Election night, which presented a dilemma and a huge sense of jeopardy, on Thursday, given how unbearable the Corbynistas would’ve been if Labour had got a result.
Having watched a lot of the coverage, I was of course aware both the BBC and Sky News (how does Lewis Goodall get away with it?) had a similarly skewed political agenda, but only one network is actually stupid enough to glory in its left-wing bias.
So I went high-risk with Channel 4’s chaotic Alternative Election, where the bookings confirmed their usual prejudices.
Hosts for the night were Krishnan Guru-Murthy and the deeply condescending Katherine Ryan, whose job seemed to be agreeing with Labour’s Shami Chakrabarti and Tom Watson while goading proxy punchbag Stanley Johnson.
Alongside them were Clare Balding, at the results screen, and Rylan Clark-Neal, positioned among a noisy and expectant left-wing audience, which, for reasons no one could explain, included Baga Chipz from RuPaul’s Drag Race, dressed as Margaret Thatcher.
I couldn’t pretend they’d also hired every left-wing comedian in Britain (it was a C4 studio, not the O2), but they’d got Nish Kumar, Bridget Christie, Matt Forde, Sophie Willan, David Baddiel and Tez Ilyas, who were baying for Tory blood.
'Smarked- ar*e position'
Then, at the stroke of 10pm, the exit poll dropped and their little Channel 4 London bubble burst.
Krishnan stuttered “what . . . what . . . what?” Katherine’s face assumed the smacked-ar*e position for the next eight hours and Shami Chakrabarti looked like she’d been ordered to send her son to the local comprehensive.
It had an obvious effect on the production as well when it became clear the working class had refused to sit in C4’s pre-prepared victim box.
The first casualty was facts. So Bridget Christie had prepared an unfathomable “comedy” routine about Workington Man, but they missed the historic result (CON GAIN) when it actually came.
Next thing to go was civility, as the atmosphere turned nasty among the boorish, crude and heckling studio audience, who very much took their cue from guests like Sophie Willan, who was actually cheered for suggesting: “The crumb of comfort is there’s a large percentage of pensioners that vote Tory.
“Five more years of cuts and cold winters, there’ll be a Labour landslide.”
A very Corbynista position to take. Trying to parade your own compassion while apparently wishing death upon anyone who dares disagree with you.
'That Geri dress is iconic'
And I can’t think why the electorate wasn’t charmed senseless by their humanity. You won’t be surprised to hear, though, no one pulled her up for the remark.
State-owned Channel 4, you see, is so on-board with the Corbyn project it’s only offended by right-wing stuff and will tolerate any amount of mindless, left-wing abuse, whether that is part of its election coverage or wider programming, like The Tez O’Clock Show or Last Leg.
Personally, I suppose, I should’ve taken it as a hint to go to bed, just as I should’ve done with Nish’s emotional outburst when he seemed to suggest he was under threat of being deported: “We will never give up our place in this country, regardless of what’s happening.”
I’ll be frank with you, though, I was enjoying Labour’s humiliation and the spectacle of watching an entire network going into meltdown far too much to call it a day.
So I kept watching until nearer 3am when it finally dawned on Channel 4 that something newsworthy was also happening in Scotland and it required an acknowledged expert in the field to address the possibility of a constitutional crisis.
Take it away, Rylan: “I don’t want Scotland to leave the Union. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I’m a big Spice Girls fan and that Geri dress is iconic.”
On that bombshell, goodnight.
Battle of the Blands
LET history record, The X Factor began with thousands of innocent hopefuls queuing round a football stadium, back in 2004.
And ended, this month, with a lonely looking Simon Cowell gazing up at a picture of his much younger self, in his own office, telling Nicole Scherzinger: “That’s inspiration.”
Best I can say about the rest of X Factor: The Band is at least it was brief.
No sooner had viewers met the contestants, at Monday’s auditions, than they were competing against each other in Sunday’s final as boyband Unwritten Rule and girlband Real Like You.
Or as you may think of them, Unwritten Contract and Really Don’t Like You.
Hardly enough time to build up any sort of following, let alone have enough singing lessons.
Yet by virtue of being the least awful of the two options, the girls were declared the winners and ordered to: “Take on the world,” while Unwritten Rule’s Reece was left declaring: “We’ve got music, we’re working, erm . . . yeah.”
That’s inspiration. Laters.
Great Sporting Insights
- Robbie Savage: “The Premier League will spit you up and chew you out.”
- Brian Deane: “From where we’re seeing it, you can’t see it.”
- Alan McInally: “James McClean was unlucky with a header he never had.”
- And Paul Merson: “Bournemouth are one of those teams where if they come 13th, they come 13th. If they come 10th, they come 10th. And if they come 17th.” Let me guess. “They come 17th.”
Romesh Ranganathan
The question on everyone’s lips at the London Palladium, vis-a-vis Romesh Ranganathan: “I did the Royal Variety Performance a few years ago and I spoke very honestly about my children in that set and I assumed people knew I was a comedian.”
Why?
Linda is the boss again
ABOUT 15 minutes into this week’s Apprentice semi-final, Lewis Ellis nervously told the four surviving female candidates: “I’ll smell you later . . .”
Just 84 seconds later a sweating wreck of a man reappeared, saying: “It wasn’t good.”
During the intervening period he’d been completely emptied by the one and only Linda Plant, a woman who must spend 364 days a year sleeping upside down in a Leeds cave, because I never catch a glimpse of her anywhere else but on The Apprentice.
Once a year, though, this tiny force of nature emerges and becomes the star of the show’s interview process, alongside Mike Soutar, Claude Littner and Claudine Collins, where she cheerfully and expertly demolishes anyone and anything Lord Sugar shoves in front of her.
Although truth be told, it was hardly an even fight this year, given the quality of the final five’s business plans.Coffee shop owner Carina wanted to open a bakery, despite not being able to bake.
Pamela was trying to re-invent the beauty product wheel, Scarlett’s idea involved recruitment and Lewis just wanted to take 200 21 to 35-year-olds on a massive bender to Croatia, once he’d found it on Mike Soutar’s globe.
Linda did think there might be mileage in Lottie’s shooting weekends for posh birds. As did I, if Lottie ran through the Cotswolds with a bullseye painted on her ar*e.
But she was the first to be fired, followed by Lewis and Pamela, leaving Lord Sugar with a choice of Scarlett or Carina, who addressed the multi-tasking issue, raised by her plan, by claiming: “If I was a master baker it would be even harder for me to spin all the plates.” Wise words.
’Cos if Carina was master baking, one-handed, Lewis really wouldn’t want to smell her later.
TV Gold
Box office interviewer Linda Plant returning to The Apprentice.
Susanna Reid and Chunk’s Good Morning Britain surely earning an NTA award for being the most consistently entertaining show of 2019.
Alan Johnson speaking for millions of ex-Labour voters as he told sinister Corbyn cult leader Jon Lansman to, “go back to your student politics”, on ITV’s election night.
The great Doddie Weir raising the roof at Sports Personality of the Year, in Aberdeen.
And Gabby Logan puncturing SPOTY’s PC pomposity with a Basil Fawlty slip of the tongue as she paid tribute to Khadijah Mellah: “The jihad . . . hijab-wearing jockey,” while simultaneously conjuring up past heroes like Willie Carbomb . . . Carson.
Great TV lies and delusions of the week.
- Good Morning Britain, Grace Blakeley (The Comical Ali of The New Statesman), on the morning after the election: “Labour’s policies are incredibly popular.”
- Strictly Come Dancing, Shirley Ballas: “This year’s series of Strictly has probably been the most enjoyable ever.”
- And The Royal Variety Performance, Romesh Ranganathan: “I recently got recognised at Chessington World of Adventure.”Come off it. In that Gruffalo costume?
Random TV irritations
- Channel 4’s Alternative Election host Krishnan Guru-Murthy describing thick-as-an-igloo Laura Pidcock as: “One of Labour’s bright young things.”
- All of television’s worst election reporters attempting cheap “gotcha!”-style stunts on Boris.
- Mastermind allowing “the life and career of Taylor Swift” as a specialist subject.
- A certain third-person-speaking fame vampire reappearing on X Factor: The Band with a shout of: “Thalia Storm is in the building.”
- And the dreadful Royal Variety Performance, where a Cirque Du Soleil contortionist who could kiss his own ringpiece, was followed by Robbie Williams, who clearly wished he could do exactly the same.
Lookalikes of the week
This week's winner is Lewis off the apprentice and Vaako from The Chronicles of Riddick (search me).
MOST READ IN OPINON
Quick Eastenders Update
Quick EastEnders update before I disappear until December 31:
Honey’s become bulimic, Lisa’s checked herself into a psychiatric unit, Mel’s been flattened by an HGV, Linda’s become the Square’s single transferable female alcoholic, Leo’s locked his mum in the boot of a car and Daniel’s faked his own death rather than spend one more second of his life with chemo Jean.
Happy Christmas everyone.
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