I’ve only voted Tory once afterwards I felt ashamed, like I’d had sex with an elderly goat — but there is NO alternative
ISN’T it exciting! A general election. Six weeks of shifty looking weasels lying to you and kissing your baby.
Jabbering monkeys on the TV every evening, fatuous arguments which amount to naff all.
Outlandish claims, ludicrous allegations. Earnest experts telling us what the swing is likely to be in Baked Gusset West or whether the Brexit Party will take many votes in Lower Scrotum and Ladygarden.
Hell, after all this, Christmas will come as a kind of RELIEF. You’ll greet the in-laws with a cheery smile and break out the best Scotch.
Although you may be less likely to do that if the mad old clown Magic Grandpa — Jeremy Corbyn to his mates — is busy putting up hemp curtains and posters of Leon Trotsky in No10.
You think that can’t happen? Oh, it can happen, believe me. That’s why this is the most important general election in Great Britain since 1979, or maybe even 1945.
On those occasions the public got it right. You’d better pray they do this time. I’ve seen how things are going in Venezuela, Cuba and Ecuador, Grandpa’s favourite countries.
It’s not looking too good, frankly, what with the starvation and the riots and so on. The Conservatives go into this election as clear favourites by a mile. Just check out the bookies’ odds.
The Tories are 1/8 on to get most seats. Magic Grandpa is 20/1. That all very strongly suggests that Boris & Co are home and dry.
'FELT TRULY ASHAMED'
But then look at the odds for a hung parliament. They’re 11/10. And a hung parliament is effectively the same as a Labour win.
Same outcome — Jezza in No10. Backed up by the Scottish legion of dwarves and the Liberals (I refuse to call them Democrats any more).
Those odds suggest the bookies reckon it’s a fairly likely outcome. So, alas, do I. Stranger things have happened. Not many worse things have happened, though.
The terrible thing is that the only way to stop that happening is to vote Conservative. I do not like voting Conservative. I am NOT a Conservative. I trust them about as far as I could spit.
I’ve only voted Tory once in my life and I felt afterwards truly ashamed, as if I’d just had sex with an elderly goat.
But the alternative is beyond appalling. It would mean — for starters — no Brexit. Three years of agony for nothing and a democratic decision overturned.
The Lib Dems — who are going to gain lots of seats — are clear about that. So are the SNP and most of Labour.
'LABOUR ADORE IMMIGRATION'
But it would also mean a descent into financial and cultural chaos. Labour has been talking about absolutely unlimited immigration.
They adore immigration — not least because it hands them more votes on a plate. We would be enveloped by the woke snowflake culture.
The divisive identity politics of the Liberals and Labour, where everything is raaaacist and there are transgender toilets every few feet.
And Labour will take money from the people who create wealth and give it to people who prefer to spend it.
Labour no longer cares about the hard-grafting working-class people, the very people it was set up to represent.
This is why I won’t be voting for the Brexit Party. Because admirable though they may be, and dedicated though their leader Nigel Farage undoubtedly is, a vote for them will let Corbyn in through the back door.
And at last once this election is over we can get behind a genuine alternative to the Tories — that’s the Social Democratic Party.
Astounding Remoaner hypocrisy
THE hypocrisy is astounding. Yet again the Remoaner MPs, especially Labour MPs, are demanding that the campaigning for the General Election be conducted nicely.
They mean we mustn’t use words like “betrayal” or “surrender”. They are not permitted to control the narrative.
They are not in a position to decide what language we can use to describe the three years in which they have done everything possible to thwart Brexit.
They betrayed the electorate, and we should say so at every available opportunity. And if it hurts their feelings, good.
Roy was axed by halfwit
COMEDIAN Roy Chubby Brown has had a gig cancelled in Swansea. Why? Because he didn’t sell enough tickets? Nope.
Chubby has been playing Swansea for 40 years and sells out every time. The gig has been cancelled by the Labour council because they don’t like him.
Some humourless pencil-necked halfwit in the council offices said: “We want all our communities and staff to feel welcome and we felt this booking was unlikely to reflect our values and commitments to them.”
You pompous, totalitarian jackass. You petty minded thin-lipped little Hitler.
How dare you stop people enjoying a show because you fear Roy might say something with which you disagree?
Chubby’s furious – and so are the fans and Swansea Council is getting a justified pasting on social media.
As Roy said to me, he’s not anti-feminist or racist or homophobic, “I’m jokist. I just tell jokes. If you don’t like the jokes, please leave now!”
I’m telling you, this disgusting decision is the shape of things to come. Especially if Labour wins the next election. They hate humour. They despise you.
Orthodox lighter crisis
LAST week I was in Israel on holiday – a good destination if you want a safe and beautiful resort in the Med and where the locals still like us.
On the Monday I was sitting by the pool and people kept coming up to me and asking for a light for their cigarettes.
What’s going on, I wondered? Israel run out of Bic lighters? No – it was a Jewish holiday. And the Orthodox Jews were not allowed to use a lighter themselves.
The same day, we were told that we couldn’t have coffee because the staff weren’t allowed to push the buttons on the machine.
But they were allowed to push the buttons on their cash registers, I noticed. You can’t beat Orthodox religious belief for providing a good laugh.
Sam pay per view
UH-OH, Samira Ahmed is on the warpath. The BBC presenter is taking her bosses to court.
She’s claiming discrimination over the amount of money she’s paid for presenting Newswatch. She gets £440 per episode of the 15-minute programme.
But over at Points Of View, Jeremy Vine used to get £3,000. Clear sex discrimination then! But it isn’t, is it?
Ahmed is paid exactly the same as the previous presenter of Newswatch, Raymond Snoddy. Raymond is a man, as you might guess from his name.
The difference between her salary and Jeremy Vine’s is about the different weight the BBC puts on the two programmes. Me? I think they’re both crap, but I suppose that’s beside the point.
Restrict postal voting, guv
ONE of the first things for the Government to do now? Restrict postal voting.
In 2000 the law was changed so that people could have postal voting on demand. They didn’t have to be ill, infirm or on holiday.
Just too lazy to get off their fat arses and go to the polling booth. This has led to accusations of wide-spread electoral fraud.
The Labour Party will likely protest. Scores of people have been charged with fraud since the new rules were introduced. Let’s stop it, right now.
Eleni in a lather
WHERE would we be without dingbat models? They bring so much pleasure into the world.
Take pouty US minxpot Eleni Chechopoulos. Eleni has explained to American women why they sometimes struggle with their weight.
According to Eleni, it’s because they’re using the wrong kind of shampoo. Use proper haircare products and you’ll soon shed those unwanted pounds.
Inside Eleni’s skull is a small foam mattress and a bag of Tunnock’s Teacakes.
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