I’ve been having a secret affair with my boss… but now he’s getting married and I’m lonely
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here.
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
You can also private message on the Facebook page.
Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF
(please enclose SAE).
Dear Deidre
I ASKED my boss to help me sort out a computer problem and we ended up having sex in his office after everyone else had left.
I have been married ten years and love my husband but we are not close any more.
He runs his own firm and is always taken up with that.
We only have sex every two or three months. Even then it is never exciting.
My husband is 28, I am 27 and was a stay-at-home mum to our six-year-old daughter until I returned to work last year.
A lot had changed and it all felt very new.
I had a hard time understanding everything and my boss was really helpful.
He is 29. He started to flirt with me and kept paying me lovely compliments.
Slowly we became close and one day we kissed.
He told me he wanted to have sex with me but I refused, even though I really wanted to say yes.
I could see it getting complicated.
But then I had problems with my computer and he said he would help sort it out.
It took a long time to fix and by then all the other staff had gone home.
He said I would be paid overtime and told me to come into his office to get the form.
He stood close to me and before I knew it we were kissing again.
We had sex and it was fantastic.
We then started an affair.
He would sneak me into his flat after work.
We would text and call each other several times every day.
He told me that our relationship was not serious but he knew my marriage is not brilliant and said he just wanted to give me a bit of fun.
He is from an Asian family and recently told me his parents had found a bride for him — then he went back to their home country to meet her.
MOST READ IN DEAR DEIDRE
I am now depressed and lonely.
He has a new job and has stopped calling and hardly ever texts.
I told him to stop contacting me because I am trying to move on but I cannot forget him and long to get in touch.
I have decided to accept my marriage as it is but feel so guilty.
My husband would be devastated to learn about my affair.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your lover opened your eyes to how good sex can be but he does not want anything serious.
He made that clear.
Now that he is getting married and has changed his job, it is the end of your affair.
It is hard for you but it is for the best – for your little girl too, as this can be your trigger to improve life at home.
Resist the urge to get in touch again.
That would only keep your feelings alive and stop you concentrating on your family.
You got together with your husband when you were quite young and perhaps you were both inexperienced.
Your affair has given you some fresh ideas, so use that experience to put new life into sex with your husband.
Tell your husband that you love him and you want to give your sex life a boost.
My e-leaflet of 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex will help.
Dear Deidre
MY husband’s daughter has never accepted me and now she has told him to leave me and move back near her.
We have been together for 18 years.
When we got engaged 16 years ago his daughter immediately told me: “My dad will never marry you.”
She is 24 now and my husband’s son is 22.
We are 48 now and we’ve had countless arguments over his children’s behaviour.
They live with their mother and have always been badly behaved and spoilt.
My partner had them stay every weekend with us.
The atmosphere was terrible.
They ignored me, told lies about me and refused to eat food I cooked.
As soon as we got engaged, my hubby wanted to set a date for the wedding but I put him off because his kids were driving a wedge between us.
We eventually got married eight years ago but his children refused to come to the wedding.
They still want their dad to get back with their mum.
We then moved to the coast where we had always wanted to live.
He visits his daughter every fortnight but she phones him crying, saying it is my fault and he should leave me and move back.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is horrible for you but they will have been very hurt by their parents’ relationship ending and were young enough back then to wrongly see you as having stolen their dad.
At least part of the reason your stepdaughter is still crying down the phone is that your husband hasn’t been firm that he is happy as he is.
But it sounds as though his daughter needs help with her own life.
Suggest your husband talk to Family Lives so he gets an insight into how to help her move on (, 0808 800 2222).
Dear Deidre
I FEEL my boyfriend’s mum only puts up with me for his sake.
I lost my own mum four years ago.
She was only 45 and I still miss her terribly. I am 22.
My boyfriend is 25 and is brilliant.
He asked me to move in with him and his mum so that we could save for a mortgage.
I had hoped to form a bond with his mum.
I imagined that she might become a second mum to me but she obviously does not like me.
In fact she seems to despise me.
She has said that if ever her son and I decide to have a child, she hopes it is not a girl because she does not like girls and is not maternal.
DEIDRE SAYS: You brought a painful longing to your relationship with your boyfriend’s mum which has made you extra-sensitive to her.
Meanwhile, she seems to be wary of her son putting another woman first in his life.
Try suggesting the two of you have a day out together to give bonds a chance to form.
Get help for your pain over losing your mum from Cruse Youthline (0808 808 1677, ).
Dear Deidre
I HAD sex with my best friend and now she refuses to talk to me.
We have been friends since we started school.
She is 23, I am 24.
She had just split up with her boyfriend and she asked me to go and stay with her.
One thing led to another and we had the most amazing sex ever.
It was so hot and passionate.
We said we would go away for a weekend and do it again.
I have liked her for years and I opened up and told her how I truly felt about her.
Now she will not even talk to me.
I do not want to lose her but I can’t seem to say or do anything to get her back.
DEIDRE SAYS: She had just broken up with her boyfriend and it may have been too much, too soon.
Tell her that you understand her feelings but you don’t want to lose her friendship.
Don’t put pressure on her but check in every few weeks and ask how she is feeling now.
Set a time limit for yourself – say, six months.
Then you should accept it and move on.
Dear Deidre
WHEN my wife and I met we were virgins, and we decided to wait to have sex until after our wedding.
We have now been married four months but she still finds full sex too difficult.
I am losing hope that we can just work it out.
I’m 29 and she’s 26.
I want us to have a healthy sex life but it is always the same.
I have tried taking up to ten minutes to penetrate but it becomes too painful for her and I have to stop.
We usually end up masturbating each other but I am longing for us to experience enjoyable sex.
DEIDRE SAYS: Do you share lots of arousing foreplay before trying to have sex?
Remember women take longer than men to be ready for sex.
Think 30 minutes or so.
Then let your wife go on top so she can feel in charge.
My e-leaflet Help For Painful Sex explains self-help sex therapy and also where to go for expert treatment.
Topic 4 Today
ONLY one in three women first orgasm through intercourse and most younger women don’t start climaxing until some time after they’ve started their sex life.
But virtually all women are capable of doing so and my Women And Orgasm e-leaflet tells how to hit the right spots and build on sexual responsiveness.
Email the [email protected]
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend cheated on me and I am worried he will do it again.
We are both 17 and have been dating for a year.
I became pregnant five months ago but I had a miscarriage.
Then I found out he had cheated on me while I was pregnant and I tried to take my own life.
I am worried this relationship is destroying my life but every time I think about leaving him, I just cannot bring myself to do it.
He says he loves me but I’m not sure. I could not stand the pain if he cheated again.
DEIDRE SAYS: You may feel as if you love this boy but he doesn’t sound very loveable.
I think your feelings stem from your own neediness and vulnerability – which you need help with.
Please talk to The Mix which helps under-25s with any problem and can help you find suitable counselling (, 0808 808 4994).
I hope you soon feel strong enough to realise you deserve so much better.
Dear Deidre
I GOT very drunk at a music festival and hooked up for sex with an anonymous stranger I met online.
I’m an 18-year-old gay guy. He is 24.
We had unprotected sex but the worst part is that it was the first sexual encounter I’ve ever had.
I’ve been left feeling terrible.
I really regret what happened and I wish I could turn back the clock.
I wanted my first time to be with someone I really cared about, not just some drunken encounter I vaguely remember.
DEIDRE SAYS: You were taking a chance with your sexual health and physical safety having sex with a stranger.
Watch your drinking levels as it lowers inhibitions and you are left facing the consequences.
If you were too drunk to give informed consent then he broke the law and you should talk to SurvivorsUK, which supports male victims of sexual abuse and assault ().
Get checked out at your local genito-urinary medicine clinic to rule out infection.
BECOME A FORCES PENPAL: My service has helped cheer up our lads for years – especially those serving overseas. Find out how to join in here.
