Our sexpert meets two couples with very different sex drives and advises them on their unequal urges… but did it really work?
There are 16 times more queries about a spouse not wanting nookie than a partner not wanting to talk – with more unsatisfied women than men
THERE are three and a half times more internet searches for “sexless marriage” than for “unhappy marriage”.
And there are 16 times more queries about a spouse not wanting nookie than a partner not wanting to talk – with more unsatisfied women than men.
The figures are from a new book by ex-Google data scientist, Seth Stephens-Davidowitz.
Here, two couples tell KARA DOLMAN and LYNSEY CLARKE of their unequal urges, sex and relationships expert Kate Taylor gives advice – and our couples reveal if it has helped.
James and Jade
STUDENT Jade Unal, 25, and sales adviser James Fraser-Currie, 22,from Wakefield, West Yorks, had sex almost every day when they got together three years ago.
But after becoming pregnant with baby Amelia, who is now two, Jade went off sex completely.
I’d sooner make him soup than dress up in suspenders
JADE SAYS: As soon as I found out that I was pregnant, our sex life just died off.
When Amelia was born we were busy being parents and sex fell down the list of my priorities.
I knew James would have liked it more but he accepted how things now were.
I can count on one hand how many times we’ve had sex in the past year.
If we have a date night it will happen after a few drinks because I’m more relaxed. But then months will go by before we do it again.
I’m also paranoid that Amelia will walk in and catch us. That would be my worst nightmare.
Friends say our relationship is not normal but it’s perfectly normal to us.
We sometimes hold hands and kiss but we’re not a very lovey-dovey couple.
James says not having sex can make him feel inadequate but I show him I love him. I’d sooner make him home-made soup than dress up in a basque and suspenders.
Perhaps when Amelia is older it will change. But James is my best friend and we don’t need to have sex for me to prove how much I love him.
I’d like us to have sex once, twice a week ... at the very least
JAMES SAYS: Our sex life in the beginning was really good and I was happy if it happened every other day. But we’d only been together a month when Jade got pregnant – and sex stopped altogether.
I fancied Jade like mad but accepted it because I wanted us to be together. That was more important than my sex drive.
I’d like to have sex once or twice a week because I think we’re closer as a couple afterwards. We’re also less stressed.
Jade is gorgeous, so I wouldn’t be human if I said I didn’t want us to do it more than once every four months.
Sex has taken a back seat but I’m happy in our relationship and we’ve so much to do as parents, I don’t have time to spend worrying about it.
I’d like to think that when Amelia is older and going on sleepovers, Jade might feel differently about sex.
Then we might get things back on track. But as long as we’re getting on so well, things are fine.
Time to improve the vibe
KATE’S ADVICE: Jade is so focused on being a good mum, she has forgotten about herself.
She should go for a pampering day then buy a vibrator from a sex shop and read erotic fiction. Sex can be fun, not just a duty.
They should spend regular evenings doing something flirty like taking dancing lessons. James should learn to seduce Jade. He should ask how she likes to be touched, read a sex book like The Big O, by Lou Paget, and pick up skills from the app OMGYes.
Jade says they are not affectionate, but touching releases chemicals that turn people on. I prescribe two daily 30-second snogs – one before work and then one when James gets home.
James says: “After the advice we made an effort to get Amelia to bed then have a drink together. We’ve also turned off the TV and chatted more. There has been no seducing yet as it has been so hot. We feel better now we’ve spoken.”
Jade says: “I’m feeling optimistic. We’ve been more affectionate – holding hands and kissing. We’ve had the music on and have been dancing around which has made us feel close too. I haven’t had a chance to go out shopping or get pampered yet, but I will do so.”
MOST READ IN FABULOUS
Caitlyn and Steve
FINANCE worker Caitlyn Harthill, 28, and her partner Steve Wellesley, 42, from Telford, Shrops, have been together for three years.
They had matching libidos in the beginning of their relationship but no longer – Caitlyn now has a much stronger sex drive than security worker Steve.
I want it every night and I feel rejected if he says no
CAITLYN SAYS: We met in the gym and at first we made love nearly every night. We were adventurous too.
But now I want sex a lot more than Steve – every night, if possible. It’s become a bit of a running joke between us but there is a serious side too.
When I make it clear I want sex and he says no, I feel rejected. Sex isn’t just about sex – it’s about feeling loved and wanted.
A typical scenario is that I’ll have a bath while Steve watches TV in bed. I’ll slide into bed feeling sexy but he turns off the TV, rolls over and wants to go to sleep.
He’s tired from work but it does have an effect on our relationship. I put my libido down to exercising daily – running, tennis, the gym and swimming. I am buzzing and up for sex.
STEVE SAYS: We joke that it is the age difference between us and that I literally cannot keep up with Caitlyn.
But I do now find that I genuinely want sex less than she does.
We now make love two or three times a week and I think that’s normal.
But Caitlyn is ready for sex every day. It makes me feel exhausted.
I work long hours, from 7am until 5pm, and when I get home I am ready for dinner, TV and sleep.
I know that the issue makes Caitlyn frustrated but I do have to get my sleep and I need to relax.
I do exercise and I am pretty fit for a guy of my age but I can’t keep up with her.
We have never had a serious chat until now about what we can do about it.
Hit the steam room
KATE’S ADVICE: Men over 40 can see a reduction in testosterone, which can dampen libido. If Steve suspects this may be the case, he could cut down on alcohol, lift weights and increase “good fats” in his diet.
Research shows women who exercise three times a week report having a higher sex drive than those who do not. Caitlyn and Steve should exercise together then head to the steam room for more fun.
A low libido sometimes signals you are not getting what you want in bed, so Caitlyn could ask Steve if there is something in particular he wants. They could write down their fantasies and place them in a jar – reaching for one each night and putting it into practice.
Caitlyn needs to satisfy her needs, so she could masturbate and invite Steve to help her satisfy herself without any pressure to have sex. This will keep Kate feeling connected and pleasured. It will take the pressure off Steve but may, in turn, also turn him on.
Caitlyn says: “Exercising together put us in the mood and we liked the idea of sauna and steam. Afterwards, we couldn’t wait to rip each other’s clothes off. We tried exploring fantasies and I said I’d like to make love outside, but Steve said he couldn’t think of anything. We’ve made love more often and it’s made us both feel happier.”
Steve says: “I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with my testosterone, but I should go to the gym more and improve my diet. There’s no problem with my attraction to Caitlyn but I am shy about talking about fantasies, but hearing hers was a turn-on. We’ll make time to make love now.”