My lover has a grubby swinging secret but I don’t have it in me to walk away from the relationship
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Dear Deidre
MY lover celebrated his birthday at a swingers’ club and keeps going back there.
Deep down I am disgusted but I cannot bear to lose him.
We met on Tinder and hit it off right away.
I didn’t intend to have sex with him that first night but when I saw how gorgeous he was, my good intentions went out the window.
He is 41, I am 37.
Before him, I was on my own for nearly eight years.
I had everything I wanted — a great job, lovely house, smart car — except someone to share my life with.
Everything seemed perfect with my new guy at first.
He said he’d really fallen for me but we had to keep our relationship under wraps because his ex-wife would go mad if she knew and make it hard for him to see his daughter.
One evening they turned up unexpectedly.
I hid in the kitchen, praying they would not come through.
All was well and they left but it freaked my boyfriend out and made me have second thoughts.
We parted for a while but then got back together.
The next shock was when I discovered about the swingers’ site.
I put my details on it without a picture to test him. Sure enough he messaged me.
I decided to forget him. Then he rang me saying he missed me.
When I told him I knew about the swingers’ site, he was lost for words.
He knew he had been caught out.
But in spite of that, I went round to his and we ended up in bed as usual.
Everything was wonderful for a while and then I discovered that he was back on the site again.
He is a lovely, caring person who makes me feel good about myself when we’re together.
TOPIC FOR TODAY
ONE in six UK pregnancies is unplanned and, though our teenage pregnancy rate is falling, we still have a higher rate than other Western European countries.
My leaflet on Unplanned Pregnancy explains where you can find support.
Email me at problems@deardeidre.org for a copy.
Sister's so nasty about my bloke
Dear Deidre
MY sister hates my new boyfriend even though he treats me with the utmost respect.
Up the duff but not chuffed
Dear Deidre
MY girlfriend might be pregnant after a couple of tests came back positive.
How can I tell her that I’m terrified at the prospect of becoming a father?
Dear Deidre
MY partner never says he loves me and his idea of being close is to sit beside me on the sofa playing on his computer. I feel lonely and second best.
I previously had a very abusive marriage.
My ex-husband hit me, raped me and tried to kill me.
My two children witnessed it all.
I am 37 now.
My partner is 38 and he was my first true love when I was 16 but walked out on me back then when I was pregnant.
We met again three years ago and are now together.
He is a selfish man who picks and chooses when he can be bothered with me or the children.
We have sex once a month and kisses are no more than a peck on the cheek.
He says I am selfish for not understanding him.
My head says leave him but my heart tells me differently.
DEIDRE SAYS: You got out of a physically abusive relationship only to fall into an emotionally abusive one.
You are also reinforcing your children’s view that this is how relationships are – either violent or cold.
Listen to your head. What you call your “heart” is actually fear but you will be amazed how much better you feel if you get this man out of your life.
My e-leaflet Abusive Partner explains how.
Sex help clinic
Dear Deidre
I HAVE a loving, caring partner who has stood by me through health problems and the loss of our baby.
He is wonderful company and does so much for me.
The problem is our sex life.
It was amazing at the start of our relationship four years ago when he was 24 and I was 23.
We moved in together but then everything became routine.
I have suggested role play, watching porn, sexy underwear and toys but it’s made no difference.
He dislikes rough sex because he is afraid of hurting me but the truth is that sometimes I like it rough.
I have told him this.
The role play I like best is him being my hot, sexy boss and having to do everything he says but then he ruins it by asking if I am in the mood.
All we have is a massage and then intercourse.
I so want some excitement.
DEIDRE SAYS: Some people find it hard to allow themselves anything but the sort of plain sex they think their parents would have approved of.
If he was brought up in a family who didn’t kiss and cuddle a lot, he may find it hard to tune in to his senses.
Suggest you both read my e-leaflet 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex together which has lots of not-too-scary ideas to refresh sex.
He could choose something to try first and then you have your turn.
Dead bed due to ill mum
Dear Deidre
I SEEM to have totally lost my sex drive.
I am a man of 41 and this situation is an issue for my partner, who feels unloved. She is now starting to question whether our relationship is right.
She is 36 and we have been together for five years.
We have had a lot of stress recently with my mum being in bad health, in and out of hospital and my having to be on call for her.
My ex-wife has been causing difficulties too, ringing up for news about my mum at times she knows are awkward. She seems to have an instinct for when we might be having sex.
Consequently, my bedroom life with my partner has been almost nil.
She sees me preoccupied and thinks I do not love her any more. I have to put this right or I will lose her.
DEIDRE SAYS: Set aside specific times in the week when you and your partner will be together and close, probably having sex but not feeling pressured to do so.
Then switch off your phones and leave them in another room.
Check on your mum and any other pressing worries beforehand so that you feel comfortable about being out of reach for a while.
My e-leaflet on Reviving A Man’s Sex drive explains self-help sex therapy.
BECOME A FORCES PENPAL: My service has helped cheer up our lads for years – especially those serving overseas. Find out how to join in here.