My lover has a grubby swinging secret but I don’t have it in me to walk away from the relationship
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Dear Deidre
MY lover celebrated his birthday at a swingers’ club and keeps going back there.
Deep down I am disgusted but I cannot bear to lose him.
We met on Tinder and hit it off right away.
I didn’t intend to have sex with him that first night but when I saw how gorgeous he was, my good intentions went out the window.
He is 41, I am 37.
Before him, I was on my own for nearly eight years.
I had everything I wanted — a great job, lovely house, smart car — except someone to share my life with.
Everything seemed perfect with my new guy at first.
He said he’d really fallen for me but we had to keep our relationship under wraps because his ex-wife would go mad if she knew and make it hard for him to see his daughter.
One evening they turned up unexpectedly.
I hid in the kitchen, praying they would not come through.
All was well and they left but it freaked my boyfriend out and made me have second thoughts.
We parted for a while but then got back together.
The next shock was when I discovered about the swingers’ site.
I put my details on it without a picture to test him. Sure enough he messaged me.
I decided to forget him. Then he rang me saying he missed me.
When I told him I knew about the swingers’ site, he was lost for words.
He knew he had been caught out.
But in spite of that, I went round to his and we ended up in bed as usual.
Everything was wonderful for a while and then I discovered that he was back on the site again.
MOST READ IN DEAR DEIDRE
He is a lovely, caring person who makes me feel good about myself when we’re together.
The sex we have is amazing, but I am disgusted with what he does in his spare time.
I cannot understand why I still want him in my life and find it so difficult to move on.
There must be something wrong with me to put up with his behaviour.
DEIDRE SAYS: His ex could probably tell you a story if she knew of your existence, but it’s not a good sign he wants to keep your relationship secret.
It means it’s going to stay dead-end.
So your choice is to carry on enjoying the sex when you get together, but accept that is all there is ever going to be, or free yourself to meet someone who will be proud to acknowledge you as his partner and offer hopes of a long-term future.
If you can’t shake yourself free, think why you might be wary of committing your heart again.
Think back to your early boyfriends.
Does this guy remind you of someone from the past or the man you lost eight years ago? My e-leaflet on Addictive Love will help.
And as long as you have sex with him, be sure to use protection.
Teaching stress has him in tears
Dear Deidre
I’M dating a teacher and he gets so stressed during term-time, he cries about the pressure he is under.
Our sex life is now only the occasional weekend and during school holidays.
We have been together for two years – we’re both men.
He is 32, I am 29.
Everything is perfect except his job.
He works until late at night and only goes back to being the person I fell in love with during the school holidays.
I have tried everything I can think of to help him be less stressed but he never switches off.
I have told him he should talk to the head about his workload but he says he cannot.
DEIDRE SAYS: Being a teacher is a stressful job these days but he risks cracking up unless he works out a coping strategy.
Two out of five teachers suffer from stress-related illnesses.
Tell him that seeing no hope is a symptom of the strain he’s under.
He can find help from Education Support which runs a 24/7 free helpline for teachers (, 08000 562 561).
TOPIC FOR TODAY
ONE in six UK pregnancies is unplanned and, though our teenage pregnancy rate is falling, we still have a higher rate than other Western European countries.
My leaflet on Unplanned Pregnancy explains where you can find support.
Email me at [email protected] for a copy.
Sister's so nasty about my bloke
Dear Deidre
MY sister hates my new boyfriend even though he treats me with the utmost respect.
He’s so kind and caring and his heart is definitely in the right place.
I heard her slagging him off to my mum.
He tried to ask her out a year ago but my sister rejected him.
I am a girl of 23 and he is 25. My sister is 21.
My boyfriend has autism and doesn’t understand social cues very well.
She said he is creepy.
He can’t do anything right by her, even though what happened between them is in the past.
She laughs at him behind his back.
It’s getting to the point where I want to move out because I can’t bear it.
DEIDRE SAYS: I think she’s a bit jealous.
Maybe she regrets turning him down now she sees how well he’s treating you and she may feel like he’s taking you away from her.
At the very least, ask that she is polite to your boyfriend.
Explain his autism to her so she stops judging him for it.
Find support through the National Autistic Society (, 0808 800 4101).
Up the duff but not chuffed
Dear Deidre
MY girlfriend might be pregnant after a couple of tests came back positive.
How can I tell her that I’m terrified at the prospect of becoming a father?
My girlfriend is 37 and I am 33. We have been together for two years.
She did say that if it ever happened, she would keep it, and I agreed. But now I am really worried.
We had talked about me moving in with her soon.
She has a house but there is barely enough room for our stuff, let alone a child.
I had all these ideas of my girlfriend and me going on some amazing holidays over the next few years and now it is never going to happen.
Our life as a couple, and having fun, is going to be over.
DEIDRE SAYS: Lots of guys feel as you do at this stage but a baby is not the end of all fun in life.
He or she can make life feel more meaningful – even if you have to put some stuff into storage.
Have a holiday now. Friends will soon have babies too and you can organise fun around them.
Tell your girlfriend about your worries.
Check out dad.info and go to NCT classes where you’ll meet other couples (, 0300 330 0700).
Dear Deidre
MY partner never says he loves me and his idea of being close is to sit beside me on the sofa playing on his computer. I feel lonely and second best.
I previously had a very abusive marriage.
My ex-husband hit me, raped me and tried to kill me.
My two children witnessed it all.
I am 37 now.
My partner is 38 and he was my first true love when I was 16 but walked out on me back then when I was pregnant.
We met again three years ago and are now together.
He is a selfish man who picks and chooses when he can be bothered with me or the children.
We have sex once a month and kisses are no more than a peck on the cheek.
He says I am selfish for not understanding him.
My head says leave him but my heart tells me differently.
DEIDRE SAYS: You got out of a physically abusive relationship only to fall into an emotionally abusive one.
You are also reinforcing your children’s view that this is how relationships are – either violent or cold.
Listen to your head. What you call your “heart” is actually fear but you will be amazed how much better you feel if you get this man out of your life.
My e-leaflet Abusive Partner explains how.
Sex help clinic
Dear Deidre
I HAVE a loving, caring partner who has stood by me through health problems and the loss of our baby.
He is wonderful company and does so much for me.
The problem is our sex life.
It was amazing at the start of our relationship four years ago when he was 24 and I was 23.
We moved in together but then everything became routine.
I have suggested role play, watching porn, sexy underwear and toys but it’s made no difference.
He dislikes rough sex because he is afraid of hurting me but the truth is that sometimes I like it rough.
I have told him this.
The role play I like best is him being my hot, sexy boss and having to do everything he says but then he ruins it by asking if I am in the mood.
All we have is a massage and then intercourse.
I so want some excitement.
DEIDRE SAYS: Some people find it hard to allow themselves anything but the sort of plain sex they think their parents would have approved of.
If he was brought up in a family who didn’t kiss and cuddle a lot, he may find it hard to tune in to his senses.
Suggest you both read my e-leaflet 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex together which has lots of not-too-scary ideas to refresh sex.
He could choose something to try first and then you have your turn.
Dead bed due to ill mum
Dear Deidre
I SEEM to have totally lost my sex drive.
I am a man of 41 and this situation is an issue for my partner, who feels unloved. She is now starting to question whether our relationship is right.
She is 36 and we have been together for five years.
We have had a lot of stress recently with my mum being in bad health, in and out of hospital and my having to be on call for her.
My ex-wife has been causing difficulties too, ringing up for news about my mum at times she knows are awkward. She seems to have an instinct for when we might be having sex.
Consequently, my bedroom life with my partner has been almost nil.
She sees me preoccupied and thinks I do not love her any more. I have to put this right or I will lose her.
DEIDRE SAYS: Set aside specific times in the week when you and your partner will be together and close, probably having sex but not feeling pressured to do so.
Then switch off your phones and leave them in another room.
Check on your mum and any other pressing worries beforehand so that you feel comfortable about being out of reach for a while.
My e-leaflet on Reviving A Man’s Sex drive explains self-help sex therapy.
BECOME A FORCES PENPAL: My service has helped cheer up our lads for years – especially those serving overseas. Find out how to join in here.
