I’m torn between my wife and my sexy work colleague after our intense affair
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Dear Deidre
I’VE been having an intense affair with a female colleague and the sex is amazing – but I am torn between her and my wife.
My workmate is 36 and a divorcee with a child.
She came to work for our project management company a year ago.
She had some fresh ideas, so that was impressive, and we really sparked off one another.
We had to spend a night together in a hotel in Paris when we were pitching for a contract.
We impressed the client and then had an electric evening together — ending up in her bed.
It has been a passionate affair.
My lover has always seemed kind, caring and tells me she has never loved anyone like she loves me.
I told her from the start that I was married but I also told her I was miserable in my marriage.
I’m 42 and my wife is 39.
We have been married for 15 years and have two children, aged 12 and ten.
There has been very little physical contact for ages, as my wife claims she has no sex drive.
She is very self-centred, with a nasty streak and for ages refused to get a job even though we need the money.
She found a text on my phone from my lover after our affair had been going on for two months and wanted answers.
I lied, telling her my lover was just some woman I’d met and there was nothing else to it.
But I know there is no excuse for my lies.
My wife slapped me round the face when she found more texts that made it clear I was cheating, and said that I deserved it.
I left her then — but went back because she promised to change.
She has now started working and lost weight, and things are great in the bedroom, but I cannot seem to get over the other girl or forgive my wife for the way she treated me before the affair.
I am racked with guilt, as I’ve lied to everyone.
My wife still doesn’t know the extent of my affair.
If she slips back into her old ways I will have lost the other woman for ever and I really think I am in love with her, but I do not seem to have it in me to divorce my wife due to the problems it would cause emotionally and financially.
I know I need to decide, wife or lover, but have no idea what I am going to do.
DEIDRE SAYS: Tell your lover you need space to see if you can make your marriage work.
If there is anything serious between you, she will give you time.
Then look at your marriage.
I realise you resent your wife’s past behaviour but it sounds as though she is genuinely making an effort now.
Go for couple counselling, to be sure this new deal in your relationship is going to last.
Dear Deidre
I BEGAN the transition from male to female many years ago but I had to stop because I could see it was destroying my family.
They all thought it was just a phase and it would go away even though they have known how I felt for at least 18 years.
I’m 40. I went back to a life of alcohol, drugs and self-loathing when my treatment stopped.
My family could see I was hurting but all they did was stand and watch.
My dad had a heart attack two years ago.
I raced round to his house and rushed him to local hospital where he had an operation later that day.
The surgeon told me that if I hadn’t brought him in when I did, he would have died.
My dad made a good recovery but since then he and other members of my family have turned their backs on me because of who I am and what I am – transgender.
It was my birthday last month and not one of them wished me well.
I am now back on my journey to become a woman and have restarted my hormone treatment.
I’m living life for me now because I know it can be taken away in the blink of an eye.
Dear Deidre
I FELT an instant attraction to my boyfriend’s uncle when I met him at our engagement party.
He began messaging me the day afterwards.
I’m 22 and my fiancé is 24.
We have been together for the past three years.
I hadn’t been interested in any other guys until I met his uncle.
He is 38 and has a child and a girlfriend.
They’ve been together for 12 years.
I had a row with my mum and went to stay with my boyfriend’s family.
My boyfriend’s uncle lives nearby.
He was messaging and flirting with me on WhatsApp.
He said we would fall out if I went back home.
I didn’t think he was serious – but since I’ve gone back to my mum’s, he has blocked me online and hasn’t replied to any of my messages.
I’m struggling to get him out of my head.
DEIDRE SAYS: That instant connection you both felt may in part be down to the family bond but it sounds as though you have had a lucky escape.
He had no real intention of making a commitment to you.
Take a good look at your relationship with your fiancé.
What’s missing?
Focus your energy on making it sparkle, including sexually. If that doesn’t work, break with him.
Dear Deidre
I’M falling in love with a guy who plays in my boyfriend’s band.
I can’t stop thinking about him. It’s driving me mad.
I am 24 and my boyfriend is 25.
We have been together for two years and have just become engaged.
The guy who I am falling for is 26.
He has a girlfriend and he is also one of my boyfriend’s best friends.
My bloke doesn’t suspect a thing.
Whenever I see this other guy we have lots of cuddles.
I can’t tell him anything about how I feel but I am scared my feelings are getting too much.
DEIDRE SAYS: Is this big attraction linked to your engagement and signing up to commitment?
Messing with the other guy spells nothing but trouble.
Just accept that he can’t be yours.
Focus your attention on your fiancé and making sure marrying him really is the right course for you.
Dear Deidre
I STARTED innocently chatting to some women I’d been playing online games with.
It happened during a really bad patch in my relationship and now I’m torn.
The conversations were innocent at first but they escalated over time.
I have become very close to one woman in particular.
I’m 29 and my girlfriend is 27.
Our relationship has always been on the rocky side but things have settled down.
I feel that I only have eyes for the woman online. She’s 28.
I have two young children aged four and two with my girlfriend which only complicates things.
I don’t want to hurt her but I worry that it is also wrong of me to stay with her if I think that I want someone else.
What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: You may have feelings for someone else but it doesn’t mean you’d work long-term, especially as you’d have two unhappy kids on your conscience.
Family life can take its toll on your relationship but you owe it to your girlfriend to try to work out what is going wrong.
My e-leaflet Torn Between Two Women will help you to think this through.
Dear Deidre
I HAVE been offered rebound sex with a guy I kissed in a club.
I am not sure whether to go for it.
I am 17 and finished with my boyfriend, who is 19, a while ago.
I have only just stopped having frequent contact with him.
I still love him but I am seeing him more and more as a friend rather than a lover.
But I know I need to fulfil my desires.
I miss having regular sex.
The thought of having sex with a stranger makes me feel sick but when I kissed this guy, I felt exhilarated and attractive again.
That is something I have not felt since splitting from my ex.
DEIDRE SAYS: Sex without a real and caring relationship is a bad idea, could put you at risk of infection and wreck your confidence.
This guy sensed your loneliness and decided there was a chance for him to take advantage.
You can give yourself sexual release until you find someone else who is worthy of you.
Better play alone than with the wrong partner.
Dear Deidre
MY best mate is in love with one of my female friends.
He doesn’t know that she’s actually in love with me and I really like her.
I really care about her and love her so much.
I am a boy of 16 and they are both 17.
I am afraid that if we were to try something and it doesn’t work out, I could lose her for good.
It would be awful for me because my mood really depends on her.
We have kissed several times but we don’t talk about it.
We just keep acting normally, like nothing has happened.
I don’t want to hurt my best mate but I don’t want to lose this girl either.
DEIDRE SAYS: Be honest.
Tell your mate you really like this girl and are going to ask her out.
Say you hope that won’t hurt his feelings but be clear that you’re not asking his permission.
He has no rights over her.
If he’s a true mate, he’ll respect your choice.
If not, it’s your life so live it.
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