In love with my fiancée but sex with her just doesn’t compare to my holiday romance
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Dear Deidre
I HAVE a great time with my lover. She says I’m amazing in bed, better than anyone else she’s been with. But past — and current — girls disagree.
I’m 24 and due to get married this autumn. My fiancée is sexy and hot but she accepts I’m not great at performing in bed.
That’s a problem that’s dogged me for years since the very first time I had sex.
I was 17 and with some girl I’d only just met. I lost my erection before we were done. I was gutted that I never saw her again.
I desperately hoped I would do myself proud with my next lover, after all I had practised enough on my own. Sadly it turned out the same as before.
I’m now with a great-looking woman and my mates say I’m punching way over my weight. She is 22 and why she puts up with me I really don’t know, unless it’s the fact I have a well-paying job and high-status car.
We got engaged back in March and I couldn’t explain why I felt really low. I had some leave owing and went off for a week in the Canaries on my own — supposedly getting into training to run a half-marathon.
I met this sweet girl while I walked by the sea. We started to chat, went for a beer and it felt really special and right. She’s two years older than me.
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We’ve carried on meeting up — and having sex — back in the UK. She’s a nice-looking girl. She doesn’t turn heads like my hot wife-to-be but when we have sex it just works every time and I feel like a king.
I’m so sad we must part but my marriage is fixed and the honeymoon booked. I can’t wriggle out of it now but I wish sex with the girl I’m going to marry could be half as good as the sex with my love by the sea.
DEIDRE SAYS: Hold on to that thought and think hard before making a massive mistake.
Don’t think about which is the best-looking girl. Think about who makes you happy – and not just in bed.
Your first time at sex was a bit of a flop and that isn’t uncommon. It would have been better to take things more slowly next time but perhaps you repeated your rookie mistake, of going for sex before building up trust.
That left you with a hang-up that didn’t get fixed. If your fiancée can’t make you feel loved and desired then something is not right.
Maybe the pressure was off with your girl by the sea. Whatever the reason, it worked.
You’re still young with a long way to go. Before you get married, be sure that you’re loved for yourself and not for the size of your wallet or the make of your car. And make sure you’re happy together in bed.
TOPIC FOR TODAY
MOST people have a few favourite positions for sex but can feel at a loss when something like pregnancy or a back problem stops that feeling comfortable. My e-leaflet Best Positions For Sex explains how to refresh your approach. Email [email protected].
Boyfriend won't cut the apron strings
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend has let me down badly and I blame his horrible mum. He was under her thumb from the start but I hoped he would learn to stand up to her more.
He lived at home until he was 30 and had not long had a place of his own when we met.
We were together for a year and got on really well but he always went back to his mum for birthdays and Christmas. It’s a 50-mile drive and he didn’t take me.
We planned on a special weekend for the May Bank Holiday. We had booked a show and a meal and I was so happy we’d got things organised for once.
Then his phone rang and he said that he had to go back to look after his mum’s poorly dog while she went to a party that night, and he went. I cannot believe he would do that to me. I’m 29.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is hard to believe but he did, and if you let it go he’ll do it again.
That was his chance to say, “No!” to his mum, to show you were important to him. But he failed.
Tell him that either he puts you first in future, except in the case of a life-or-death emergency, or it’s over. But I’m worried his mum is going to win.
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I cry all the time for my lost love
Dear Deidre
I MISS my ex-girlfriend so much that I cry every day. No girl I meet can come anywhere close.
We were together for five years. We’re both 24 and we split as she was ready to get settled down and I wasn’t.
I was glad we remained friends but then she said she was just being friends in the hope she could get back with me. So I agreed it was better for her if I keep well away.
Two months went past. I got on with my life and I felt like I’d done the right thing. Then I saw on her Facebook that she was with somebody new. At first I was fine then it started to hurt me a lot.
I’ve emailed her twice begging her to meet and talk but she hasn’t replied. Now I’m in tears every day.
DEIDRE SAYS: We may not always realise what we have until we’ve lost it. Perhaps, if you’re honest, you hoped you could buy some more time being single and free while she faithfully waited for you.
Still, if she really was 100 per cent the right one for you, you probably wouldn’t have taken that chance. It’s raw now but your life will go on and you’ll find love again.
Next time you may be more open to commitment.
Hopelessly in love with TV star
Dear Deidre
I’M a girl of 24 and I am infatuated with the Game Of Thrones actress Emilia Clarke.
When I first saw her on telly, I just thought: “She’s nice.” My feelings are now very strong and I feel like I’m just not the same person at all.
It isn’t the fact she’s a woman that troubles me. I’m fine with the fact I’m gay. It’s just my feelings are so overpowering they stop me sleeping or eating and I can’t seem to focus at work. I feel I’m having some kind of breakdown. I have OCD.
Do you think I should see my GP?
DEIDRE SAYS: Good idea. Your health and your work are suffering and that’s a big worry.
There could be a link with the OCD, but what’s clear is that something about Ms Clarke has triggered powerful feelings that likely have roots in your past.
Ask your GP for counselling help, or see . My e-leaflet on Overcoming Obsessions can help.
GP says we're past it for pregnancy
Dear Deidre
MY wife and I got married last year and are keen to start a family.
My wife went to see her doctor for advice but he said she was “geriatric” for starting a family.
She came home in tears and I am in shock. We are both 30 and surely that isn’t too old, when women much older than that can give birth.
My wife is worried she’s left it too late.
DEIDRE SAYS: Her doctor was being unhelpful and that term is well out of date. The term “geriatric pregnancy” was originally a medical term used when the mum-to-be was 35 or older. These days they talk about “advanced maternal age”.
It isn’t too late and there have been lots of advances in fertility help.
All the same, it’s fair to say that too many women don’t realise that female fertility is declining by the age of 28 and by 35 has dropped steeply.
Get advice from Fertility Network UK (01424 732 361, ).
