I cheated on my wife with a girl at a nightclub — and I’ve been having flings for years
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
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Dear Deidre
I MET a girl in a nightclub last weekend.
We danced and I said all the things that a girl likes to hear.
Then we went back to her flat and had sex while my wife thought I was staying the night at my mate’s.
I don’t know what’s the matter with me.
My wife is a kind, loving girl and our sex life is all I could ask for.
We have two lovely children and no money worries to speak of.
Why can’t I be happy with that instead of constantly thinking about other women?
I’m 28 and my wife is 26.
The girl in the nightclub was 25.
It’s been this way now for a couple of years.
I wear sunglasses now when I’m out now like I’m some kind of actor who must hide from his fans
The first time it happened was when I was stressed out with work.
I desperately needed time out so I called up my wife and told her I had to work late.
Then I went to a pub where I know the smart, younger girls like to go.
I picked up a girl who was 20.
As we were kissing, she mentioned that she shared a flat with a friend and the friend was away for the night.
We went back there and had brilliant sex.
She gave me her number but I didn’t bother to call.
This is now quite a regular thing, at least once a month — sometimes more.
I feel guilty about it, I guess like a drunk feels each time he gets wasted.
Despite this, I end up doing it again and again.
Sometimes I’m out in town with my wife and my kids and a girl looks at me like she’s seen me before.
Believe it or not I wear sunglasses now when I’m out on the street like I’m some kind of A-list actor who must hide from his fans.
My wife really doesn’t deserve this.
I hate who I am but I can’t seem to change.
DEIDRE SAYS: You can change if you want, and you must before your cover is blown and all hell breaks loose.
Hiding away behind shades won’t protect you for ever – and doesn’t your wife find it strange?
What are you getting from this?
You have a good sex life at home so this isn’t really about extra sex but the addictive buzz.
When you have sex with some girl that you’ve only just met you can put work and family out of your mind for a few hours.
It gives you a break from the stress of real life.
Is it just stress from work that is getting to you?
Or is there pressure or hurt that goes deeper than that – bad memories from when you were young?
Whatever it is, you’re just blotting it out, not actually dealing with the problem head on.
Try less dangerous ways to unwind, such as running or cycling or even meditation.
And read my e-leaflet Addicted to Sex which explains sources of help.
TOPIC FOR TODAY
ONE in five people suffer from depression at some point in their lives.
We should always see our doctor, but there is a lot we can do ourselves.
My leaflet on Defeating Depression explains and gives sources of help.
Email problems@deardeidre.org for a copy.
Mother-in-law thinks I'm having an affair
Dear Deidre
MY mother-in-law is convinced I’m cheating.
She even phoned up my wife to ask if she knew I was having a secret affair.
I’ve been married for nearly three years.
My wife is the most wonderful person I’ve ever met.
We were together for two years before we got married and before then I had known her for more than ten years.
We’re both 24.
She trusts me completely and there is no reason I’d ever leave – except for my mother-in-law.
She’s 54 and I honestly worry she’ll drive us apart.
My wife says her mother’s just making it up for attention.
What’s wrong with the woman?
She’s driving me mad.
DEIDRE SAYS: Don’t let her.
Your wife knows her better than you.
It sounds as if her mother is lonely, bored and worried that now her daughter is happily married there’s no role for her.
Invite her to visit, grit your teeth, turn on the charm and be patient.
READ MORE DEAR DEIDRE
No longer want sex with my husband
Dear Deidre
I HAVEN’T had sex with my husband for years.
He says he accepts that’s the way I am, though sometimes he still tries to persuade me to give it a go.
I’m 32 and he’s 36.
We’ve been married for ten years and haven’t got kids.
That honestly isn’t important to us.
I no longer have sexual feelings for him and I’ve said he should find someone else.
He says he only wants me.
I’m glad he said that as I know I can’t live without him but I feel guilty for not wanting sex.
What should we do?
DEIDRE SAYS: How long has this been going on and what happened back then?
Illness, bereavement and infidelity can stop you feeling sexual and then it can be hard to get revved up again.
Was the sort of sex you were having satisfying for you as well as for your husband?
Don’t push him away but do seek help.
Start by reading my e-leaflet, Reviving a Woman’s Sex Drive.
Scared a baby will ruin our ideal life
Dear Deidre
I WAS over the moon when my girlfriend first said she was pregnant but, as time goes on, the idea of being a father appeals less and less.
We’ve been together a year and before she got pregnant I was beyond happy.
I’m 24, she’s 25 and generous, loving and kind.
The news was a shock as I’d been told years ago that my chances of being a father were slim after treatment of childhood cancer.
I love my girlfriend so much and will always support her and my child.
It’s just that I’m scared the baby will ruin our relationship.
I can’t tell her how I feel as I’d lose her for good but I can’t keep pretending I’m OK.
DEIDRE SAYS: I am confident that in years to come you will be so pleased you can be a father, but no, you can’t keep pretending.
Your girlfriend will know something is wrong.
Tell her you love her but you fear the baby will spoil what you have.
Talk about practical ways you can ensure you still have time and focus for each other.
See and go to NCT classes together (, 0300 330 0700).
If your fears run much deeper, seek counselling.
My new fella is still on dating site
Dear Deidre
AFTER four boring years being single I’ve found a boyfriend.
He seems like a genuine guy but I’m worried he’s not being faithful.
I met him on a dating site and when we met face to face we got on very well.
He’s 31 and I’m 29.
He seemed keen so I closed my profile as I’d found the right person for me.
We were out in a pub and notifications from that dating site kept flashing up on his phone.
I asked him to cancel his profile and he said that he thought he had.
Three months later it happened again, so I logged on to the website and he’d renewed his subscription since he’d been with me.
I’ve been with him four months.
Should I confront him or give him more time?
DEIDRE SAYS: I’d say that four months is quite long enough for him to decide whether he wants to be in a relationship with you or to keep playing the field.
So confront him and ask what he’s up to and how he sees your future together.
You’ll know where you stand by the way he reacts.
Hold on to your pride and hold out for a man you can trust.
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