I’m in love with a married man who’s amazing in bed… but will he ever leave his wife?
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Dear Deidre
I AM in love with a married man who says he loves me.
Sex with him is out of this world but he cannot make up his mind over leaving his wife.
I am 49 and he’s 42. I had met him a few times with his wife at a mutual friend’s house.
I had always admired him and he is very good-looking and charming.
Then he came to a friend’s party alone because his wife had stayed home with a sick teenager and we just clicked.
We started messaging and he said he loved me.
We arranged to meet for dinner and it was so romantic.
He booked a hotel room and we became lovers that night.
It was amazing for us both, as neither of us had had sex in years.
I am divorced and he and his wife sleep separately.
I am over the moon when I see him, then a wreck when he goes
After that we met when he could make it and the sex was very intense and passionate.
He kept telling me I was the love of his life and we would be together.
I believed him and was on cloud nine.
His wife hasn’t worked for years and his kids aren’t earning yet.
He complains of being taken for granted but says he cannot break free. He is trapped.
He calls me when he finds the time but sometimes goes a few weeks without getting in touch. There is always a good excuse.
I have ended it several times, saying I want more.
He says I deserve more but then will contact me again with promises.
I fall for it and we go back into the same cycle.
Somehow he manages to get under my skin and I sympathise with him.
Deep down I know only he can change his life but, if I am being honest I do not think he ever will.
My kids and grandchildren keep me busy and I work full time, but I get lonely.
However I am beginning to realise I need to break free of him, as he is affecting my emotional wellbeing.
I am over the moon when I see him, then a wreck when he goes.
I am told I look years younger than my age and I could find someone who wants me, so why have I let this relationship bring me to my knees?
DEIDRE SAYS: If he has not been motivated enough already to change, he is unlikely to do so any time soon, if ever.
He may well feel trapped at home but the cage is of his own making.
By giving him an outlet for his feelings and sexual desires, you are helping him sustain an unhealthy situation.
Meanwhile he is making you unhappy and it is not good for you to continue this affair.
Spell it out to him that either he makes a commitment or you walk away.
The real issue is you are lonely. Make moves to kick-start your social life.
My e-leaflet Widening Your Social Life will help.
You can meet someone who wants the same things as you if you give yourself the chance.
Topic of the Day
KEEPING sex feeling fresh and exciting is one of the biggest challenges in a lasting relationship.
My e-leaflet 50 Ways to Add Fun to Sex can help.
Putting one of these into practice every week should keep a smile on your face.
Email [email protected] for a copy.
While I study, she is home cheating
Dear Deidre
I HAVE been with my girlfriend for three years but have discovered she’s been sleeping with other guys.
I am 21 and she’s 19. I am at university while she still lives at home.
A mate told me he’d seen her with a bloke one Saturday night so I confronted her.
She denied it but I knew straight off she was lying. I know her too well.
Eventually she confessed she had been seeing a guy on and off, and that there had been others too.
She claimed it was out of frustration with me being away.
I love her and don’t want to lose her but I am stuck with incredible pain.
What is there to stop her doing it again? I’ve still got another year at uni.
DEIDRE SAYS: She is only in her teens still and clearly hasn’t been ready for the commitment of long-distance love.
Maybe your relationship has run its course.
Talk to her about how it’s going to feel being apart for another year.
You know her well enough to read her reactions. Maybe it’s time to accept it’s over and move on.
I lied to my abusive ex about his baby
Dear Deidre
MY ex thinks I aborted his child but I lied and I’m about to give birth.
I’m 23 and was with my ex, who’s 27, for just three months.
Our relationship was toxic.
He was violent and when I told him I was pregnant, he insisted I have a termination.
He said if I didn’t go to the clinic, he would hurt me so I miscarried and he’d make it look like an accident.
I was terrified but when I got to the clinic I couldn’t go through with it.
I didn’t call my boyfriend and he never called me.
My parents have been so supportive and I’m due any day.
Should I tell my ex he’s going to be a dad?
I don’t want my daughter growing up without a father figure.
DEIDRE SAYS: Legally he is obliged to pay child maintenance but what sort of father figure would this man be? He threatened to kill his child.
He could be a danger to her and you.
Talk to the National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) and see .
Your daughter will have a loving male role model in her life – your father.
READ MORE DEAR DEIDRE
She says I have her heart... but won't commit
Dear Deidre
I HAVE been dating a woman on and off for six months but she keeps blowing hot and cold.
She is 38 and I am 43. We met on a dating site and had four dates that were all good – then she texted saying that she was sorry, it was nothing I had done, but it was over.
I waited a few weeks then contacted her again and she agreed to meet.
It was lovely and she organised a surprise birthday meal for me a few weeks later.
When I worked abroad for a week we Skyped every night. She said I had her heart.
Her husband died of a sudden heart attack five years ago and she’d never expected to find love again.
When I got home she introduced me to her eldest son, who is 16.
But then she called me saying things have moved too fast and this time it really is over for good.
I am devastated.
DEIDRE SAYS: Part of her probably does want all you are offering but another part is afraid to commit and risk getting hurt again.
The compromise might be you agree to accept what you have right now.
In any event, suggest she go for bereavement counselling with Cruse (, 0808 808 1677) so her life can move on with or without you.
How can we get past his betrayal?
Dear Deidre
I ONLY found out my partner had cheated when his ex told me she was six months pregnant.
I am 30 and my partner is 33. We have been together for two years.
I have two kids from my marriage who are now five and three but my partner has raised them since they were tiny and they do not know their biological dad.
My partner and I managed to stay together and I fell pregnant, though it was not planned.
Our little girl is now six months old.
I have tried so hard to forget about his ex and her little boy, who my partner supports financially, but it is impossible, even though he isn’t seeing his son.
I love him and I want it to work.
We have lots of family support but his guard goes up and he gets annoyed if I bring up his son when we row.
DEIDRE SAYS: As you love him, you have tried to move on – but neither of you has properly dealt with his betrayal.
Tell him you’re trying but you need him to show you lots of loving reassurance.
You may feel less threatened if you accept his son’s need for contact with his dad and welcome him into your home.
Get support from Family Lives (, 0808 800 2222).
Fostering has left my partner angry
Dear Deidre
MY partner was really keen to foster children so I agreed to go along with it but now he shows zero commitment to parenting.
I am a gay man of 30. My partner is 35. We have been together for five years.
He works long hours, driven by wanting money and material possessions.
Our first placement was a young lad with behavioural problems but my partner went mad when the social worker called him at work.
During school holidays he resented taking care of the boy and kept asking me to take the day off work.
The social worker wanted to see us both at home one day and my partner blew his top when I told him.
He swore at me and told me to make some excuse for him.
The boy was too much for us and has now gone back, but my partner is still bad tempered with me and sleeping on the settee.
DEIDRE SAYS: Fostering is a serious commitment to giving a vulnerable child a loving home.
The last thing such a child needs is to live with tension or outright hostility.
Do not take any more placements.
Ask your partner to think why he was so into the idea of fostering.
I suspect it was about his own needs when he was young.
You may need counselling together to survive this crisis.
My younger twin is so insecure
Dear Deidre
MY twin girls are complete opposites. The older one is full of confidence while the younger one has always had low self-esteem.
They are now 13. Since they were tiny, the younger one has always compared herself to her sister and was later to reach every developmental stage.
I’ve treated them exactly the same and encouraged them to be the best they can be, giving them both lots of praise.
They do gymnastics twice a week and are in the local swimming teams.
Friends and relatives always say how beautiful they are but my younger daughter – by ten minutes – believes she is not as pretty as her sister.
Yet they are identical twins and many people can’t tell them apart.
Nothing I say or do makes any differences.
DEIDRE SAYS: This is a common issue with twins, as it can be with siblings.
If one gets in to the “success” slot, the other can feel they must somehow be inferior.
I know it can make the family routine harder but can you organise them to do different activities in their spare time?
It’s all about treating the girls as individuals and celebrating what each child is good at or interested in.
Find understanding support through Tamba, the Twins & Multiple Births Association (, 0800 138 0509).
BECOME A FORCES PENPAL: My service has helped cheer up our lads for years – especially those serving overseas. Find out how to join in here.
