I had wild sex with my best friend’s ex, even though I have a partner and three children
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Dear Deidre
I HAVE done a very stupid thing I regret massively – I had wild sex with my best friend’s ex, even though I have a partner and three kids myself.
I am 35. My children’s dad, who is also 35, works away a lot so I don’t get out much.
My friend, who I’ve known since our school days, offered to babysit so I could go out one evening as a break from the routine.
I leapt at the chance and decided to do something I have never done before.
I went to a pub by myself, ordered a drink and sat down at a table, feeling like a proper grown-up for the first time in ages.
My friend’s ex sat down beside me and started chatting. He is 33.
We got on brilliantly and he suggested having another drink at his place on my way home.
I knew what would happen but I went along with it and I cannot believe what I did.
He started kissing me and removing my clothes the moment we got in the door.
I let him lead me into the bedroom and we spent the next couple of hours having great sex like I have not had in years.
I could not look my friend in the eye when I got home.
I let friend's ex lead me into the bedroom and we spent the next couple of hours having great sex
I was worried she would see by my face what I had been up to but she just gave a report on the kids.
It was a stupid thing to do. But now all I can think about is doing it again. It is as if my body has come alive.
I keep wondering if I should contact him and think about what we will do the next time we get the opportunity.
I can’t face sex with my partner any more but he just accepts my excuses.
My lover said he wouldn’t tell anyone but I am so afraid it will all get out.
DEIDRE SAYS: If you do not want your world to fall apart, you must look on this as a lesson to be learned.
Lesson one is that guilt is a very uncomfortable feeling.
Lesson two is that you need to do something about your relationship and your sparse sex life with your partner.
Otherwise, you could end up losing everything you hold dear.
Talk to your partner when you can arrange a quiet time after the children are in bed.
Say you miss him because he is away so much and you worry you and he are drifting apart because you are not sharing more, including sex.
Ask him if he can arrange his working life to be at home more.
You can’t have a loving relationship and a great sex life with your partner if the two of you are rarely under the same roof.
My e-leaflet on Saving Your Sex Life can help – plus you are aware now what works for you.
Use that know-how with your partner.
Topic4today
EXAM season is with us and anxiety levels soar at this time of year.
Even if you worry you have left it all too late, you can still show your knowledge to the best of your advantage.
My e-leaflet Anxious About Exams? will help.
For a copy, email me here.
Looking for baby I gave up
Dear Deidre
I GAVE birth to a baby girl when I was 16.
She was taken for adoption.
I hardly knew at the time what was going on, as I was ill after the birth.
I vaguely remember signing the papers to give up my child but I have only recently discovered my mother knew what was going to happen and said nothing to me.
I am so sad she could behave in this way over her own baby granddaughter.
I desperately want to trace my daughter.
I am 52 and married, with another daughter and a son.
My daughter, who is in her twenties, wants to meet her biological sister.
I do not want to hurt my long-lost daughter or disrupt her life.
I just want to see she is OK and well.
But I don’t know where to start.
DEIDRE SAYS: Well-meaning parents often thought adoption was best for a young mother and the baby, but it can leave behind a huge burden of grief.
It’s great that your daughter wants to meet her sister but you are right to be wary.
My e-leaflet Tracing An Adopted Child will help – but first contact PAC-UK adoption support (, 0207 284 5879).
I'm being used for my money
Dear Deidre
I COMFORTED a new guy at work when his girlfriend left him and the other guys started taking the mickey out of him.
I am a gay guy of 28.
This unhappy colleague, who is 22, started following me round like a lost dog.
Eventually I realised I had feelings for him and told him, and he said the same, but we agreed not to have a sexual relationship as he is hoping to get back with his girlfriend.
Since then I have spent thousands on him, buying him holidays, a car…
Friends say he sees me as a cash cow.
I have tried to break away but he will not let go.
I’m hoping he will find a girlfriend so I can find a man to love me for who I am, not for what he can get out of me.
DEIDRE SAYS: He won’t move on while you keep showering him with gifts.
Find the courage to tell him you can’t spend any more money on him.
You will soon find he leaves you alone.
My e-leaflet Standing Up For Yourself will help but you can also find support through Switchboard LGBT+ (, 0300 330 0630).
MOST READ IN DEAR DEIDRE
Partner is distant since ex died
Dear Deidre
MY partner has not been the same with me since his wife – who he left years ago – died.
He says he must be there for his kids now they have no mum.
These “kids” are 34 and 36, with their own homes.
I am 50 and my partner is 58.
We have been together for four years but he has never let me meet them.
He left his wife, who died last year, and the children 20 years ago but has started spending most weekends with his kids.
I so want to be a proper part of his life again and this hurts so much.
DEIDRE SAYS:
It sounds as if your partner is now feeling guilty about leaving his wife and children and is trying to make it up to them.
Tell him that it’s cruel to expect you to live on the back-burner like this.
His children may in fact be happy he has a partner.
Suggest that he talk it over with a Cruse bereavement counsellor (, 0808 808 1677).
Letting lover down in the bedroom
Dear Deidre
I DESPERATELY need to last longer in bed.
I am 31 and have had this problem for years – but now it seems to be getting worse.
I have a new girlfriend of 25 and feel I am letting her down.
Sometimes I wonder whether my overwhelming love for her is making my difficulty worse.
When I talked to her about it, she said it doesn’t bother her and that we will get there in the end.
She tries to be encouraging but nothing she says makes me feel any better.
I don’t want to be a disappointment to her.
DEIDRE SAYS: You may well have an unrealistic idea of how long the average man lasts.
The average is just over five minutes.
Being anxious is making things worse.
Most women reach a climax not through intercourse but because of the way they are touched, caressed and kissed.
The strategies in my e-leaflet Want To Last Longer? can make all the difference.
- BECOME A FORCES PENPAL: My service has helped cheer up our lads for years – especially those serving overseas. Find out how to join in here.
