My best friend is blanking me after we got drunk and had sex

Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE)

Dear Deidre

MY friend and I got very drunk a few weeks ago and had a moment of stupidity in bed. Now she won’t talk to me.

I am 20, as is my friend. We have always been good mates, even when I have had a girlfriend and she had a boyfriend.

Our parents are friends and we all used to go on holiday together when we were kids, staying in adjacent caravans.

She had been celebrating her birthday and had been given some very special wine.

She thought it was too good to put out at her party so she saved it for another time.

One evening we were at her place after walking her mum’s dog. Her parents were away that weekend.

We opened the special wine and got very drunk.

We got into a “You show me yours and I’ll show you mine” conversation, then dared each other to go upstairs and strip off.

We were laughing and fooling about and fell on to the bed.

We got into a 'You show me yours and I'll show you mine' conversation... then dared each other to strip off

Then it got more serious. We had our hands all over each other and we started to have sex.

It did feel great but we fell asleep afterwards. I assumed it was all just fun and thought no more of it.

The next day she wasn’t answering any of my calls or texts, nor the next day or the next. I went round to see her.

She was fine at first but then she asked me to leave. Now she won’t talk to me.

I asked her what was the matter but she keeps saying there is nothing to talk about. She also said she needs time to think.

I am really concerned, as she is my best friend and I do not want to lose her.

I keep thinking that what happened may have meant more to her than to me.

She now seems to be avoiding me. When I say anything about it, she says: “We’ll be OK.”

But we’re clearly not. I just don’t know what to do.

DEIDRE SAYS: Sex is not just a game or a laugh. Few women can have sex with someone they know really well and are fond of without it jumping their feelings into a different place.

She may have been drunk but your friend experienced what happened as meaning that your relationship had moved into a different gear. She is finding it very hard to pretend that it was nothing.

Was it nothing for you? You two have been close for a long time. Are you sure you’re not missing the gold under your nose?

If you are sure she can only be a friend to you, apologise. Say you regret getting so drunk and behaving out of character and you are sorry if you hurt her feelings.

Say you still want to be friends and hope she will feel the same – though you may have to give her time.

Hubby says I don't give him enough in the bedroom

Dear Deidre

MY husband says he will find someone else for sex.

We have been married for 20 years and have four kids. He can be difficult but thinks he does nothing wrong. We are both 46. Over the years, we have had many problems.

He recently said that he is off to have sex with someone else because I don’t give him enough in the bedroom.

I don’t know if he really has done so. I told him I feel betrayed but he talks as if he has done nothing wrong. I have just about had enough.

DEIDRE SAYS: All your focus is on your husband’s complaints and threats. What are you getting out of this marriage?

Think what sort of life and relationship you would like. Write it all down to help get your thoughts clear.

Then tell your husband all the changes you need him to make if you’re not going to call time on your marriage. It might just shock him into being more appreciative.

My wife says it's her and our daughter – or my other kids

Dear Deidre

I LOVE my wife but she is ­trying to make me choose between my children.

We have been married for five years and have a two-year-old daughter. I am 32 and my wife is 30. I have two older children from my ex, while my wife has a daughter from her previous partner.

I treat her daughter like my own but my wife does not like the fact I have other children and that I pay maintenance for them. She has now asked me to choose whether I want to be with her and our daughter or to see my other children. What should I do?

DEIDRE SAYS: Does her daughter see her father? If not, your wife may be resentful that your children see you when her daughter does not see her father.

Be firm that ALL your children need your love and support. Suggest she talk to Family Lives to help her cope with the flexibility required by stepfamilies (familylives. org.uk, 0808 800 2222).

My ex is starting a family, but he didn't want one with me

Dear Deidre

MY ex finished with me two years ago, saying he never wanted to have children but knew that I did.

We had been together for three years and I was heartbroken. I shed plenty of tears before moving on.

I am now happily engaged to a wonderful man. He wants children as much as I do but at the moment he is doing a year’s training for a new career.

We both feel it is best to wait to start a family until he is qualified and has a secure job. He is 25 and I am 26.

But last week I discovered that my ex is engaged and his fiancée is pregnant.

It has turned my world upside-down. My head is a mess from the lies he told.

DEIDRE SAYS: That was a shock and it has brought the heartache you suffered up to the surface again.

Don’t let it detract from the fact you have met a wonderful man who shares your ambitions in life.

You will have the family you long for.

Maybe your ex has shifted his views since your split – people do.

But see it as life moving on or him changing, not that his present partner has something you lacked.

Shall I tell her husband she's a cheat?

Dear Deidre

MY married girlfriend dumped me saying she wanted to rekindle her marriage – but she is now cheating on her husband with someone else.

We met six months ago in a bar when she was out with some girlfriends. We started flirting and she told me her marriage was over.

We were seeing each other for three months, then she finished with me because she wanted to save her marriage – or so she said. I am 28 and single. She is 29.

Then I saw her car outside another man’s house. I went to confront her but she said she was just returning shirts she’d pressed for him – she has an ironing business. She said I was too suspicious.

But her car continued to be there many evenings. Last night I spotted them kissing.

She still claims to be happily married. Should I tell her husband?

DEIDRE SAYS: No. You’re not genuinely concerned for the state of her marriage but fed up she seems to be interested in this other guy.

Put this behind you and stop watching what she is doing. It is stopping you from finding a woman who will be right for you. My e-leaflet Moving On will help.

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