Worried about talking to your kids about sex? Embarrassing Bodies’ Dr Pixie McKenna offers 10 tips to make it less awkward
No one enjoys having the chat with their children, but it saves a whole lot of bother in the long term
YOU might not relish standing around in the freezing cold while your son plays football or dealing with a gaggle of giggly girls during a sleepover, but talking about sex is where parenting gets really tricky.
Most mums and dads don't relish the thought of discussing the birds and bees with their kids, so what's the best way to go about it?
Dr Pixie McKenna from TV show Embarrassing Bodies has offered some top tips to help make 'the talk' as relaxed as possible.
Assume nothing
Top of Pixie's checklist is to tap in to what your son and daughter already knows... which is probably going to be a lot less than you think.
"I did quite a bit of work with teenagers on sexual health in 2015 and what I’ve learned is that you have to assume they know nothing," she explained.
"Sometimes the ones that you think are very streetwise, actually the gaps in their knowledge is quite profound.
"That’s the same with adults. I have conversations with people in their 40s and you think, ‘How long have you been out in the big bad world and you don’t know this?’ You don’t know you can get gonorrhoea in the back of your through for example."
Teach them about protection
Some parents don't want to even consider their child is thinking about sex, but it's important to give them the facts.
That means priming them about condoms and reminding them pregnancy isn't all they protect against.
"As a parent, the primary concern very often if that you don’t want your daughter to get pregnant or you don’t want your son to get someone pregnant,"; Pixie said.
"Just because your daughter’s on the pill and in a relationship with someone, you still need to be actively encouraging them to use protection.
"Maybe gift them some condoms – condoms are expensive and often, unless kids can access them for free though the sexual health clinic, they don’t have them so they won’t use them.
"If they’re on the pill or it’s assumed they’re on the pill they think, ‘Oh well, let’s crack on.’"
Educate them about STDs
That means all the diseases which can be caught, not just HIV.
Other ones, like chlamydia, are more common and can be incredibly damaging it not treated propperly.
"Everyone worries about HIV, on a day-to-day basis yes of course people can contract the whole repertoire of sexually transmitted infections, but the most common thing we see in young people is probably chlamydia," she said.
"Sometimes a little shot across the bow in terms of a scare, you know explain to them that having something like chlamydia could end by with you getting a pelvic infection, you could ultimately end up having long-term pain in your pelvis, or, many years down the line when this ship has sailed and you’re trying to get pregnant with another partner, they could say sorry you’re infertile as a result of the infection."
Get the professionals in
Sometimes it's worth taking your child to the doctor or another healthcare professional.
These people are trained to talk about tricky situations, and some young people find it easier to open up to someone they don't know.
"If you can’t talk to them because you’re mortified – the same way they’re mortified to talk to you about sex even although the only reason they’re there is because you must have had sex with someone – direct them to sexual health services for young people," Pixie said.
"They can use them anonymously, they’re free, they won’t tell their GP, they won’t tell their parents, but they will be able to help them in terms of educate them, give them free condoms and screen then appropriately."
Know your facts and don't be naive
This is probably Pixie's best piece of advice.
There is absolutely no point attempting to discuss sex with your child if you don't really know what you're on about. Are you up-to-date on infections and how they are caught? Do you know how they're treated? If not, it's time to educate yourself.
Also, if you think your son or daughter isn't having sex you probably want to think again.
"Don’t be naïve and think your kids aren’t up to anything. Because they probably are," Pixie said.
"I just really think as a generation they’re used to everything is instant. If you get chlamydia you do this, if you think you’re going to get pregnant you take the morning after pill – everything is easy access.
"Also, don’t talk to them if you don’t know your facts. If you don’t know that you can get chlamydia and gonorrhoea in the back of your throat, or if you yourself are going out and aren’t practising safe sex, you’re the wrong person to talk to them."
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Delegate
Sometimes it's just too mortifying to have the conversation.
If that's your view, find someone who is willing to do it. Don't rely on the school doing the job though, it's much better to go with someone you trust.
"It might be easier to have a godparent or a sister to have that conversation," she said.
"For teenage kids, particularly where sex is concerned, it’s good for them to have a default person that they can go to. They think, ‘My god, my mother’s going to kill me, but I need advice, so who am I going to go to?’ I think that’s important."
Pick your time
Most parents will know when their children are the right age for 'the talk'.
Sometimes it can be hard to judge though, especially if your son or daughter is young for their age.
If that's the case, you might need to tackle the subject anyway.
"I think it’s probably dependent on the child and their peers," Pixie said.
"If in a class in school everyone is sexually active but your son or daughter isn’t, I think it’s good they’re informed because you don’t want them, because of peer pressure or whatever, to end up in a compromising situation that they can’t handle or they don’t understand the consequences of."
Consent is key
Adults all understand this, but it is worth reinforcing the point with your children.
Apart from anything it can be an easy way to begin an awkward conversation about sex, plus it's something it's vital for all teenagers to be fully aware of.
"Kids are talking about it, but it’s very important for them to appreciate the whole thing of consent and that whatever type of sex act it is it has to be a consensual thing between two parties and at any part you can withdraw your consent," she said.
"There’s a great video about consent being like a cup of tea. ‘Would you like a cup of tea?’ ‘No, I’m OK.’ ‘Ah, no, no, no, go on have a cup of tea.’ ‘No, I’m fine.’ It’s not acceptable to make a cup of tea and throw it down their throat.
"Sometimes, tackling something like consent may be as a primary issue into opening the discussion into sex is good because it’s relevant even if they’re not sexually active. If someone in a position of power tries to take advantage of them."
Get the language right
The topic is awkward enough, so you don't want to make it even worse by using outdated terms.
Don't go overboard, but avoid using language which is so old-fashioned it'll make your child squirm.
"Just try and make it matter of fact, they know about the birds and bees but just an explanation about catching STIs through oral sex, anal sex and not just vaginal sex and the consequences of having the infections," Pixie said.
"I think it’s a tough one, I don’t have teenagers but I know as parents it’s a tough one."
Warn about online dangers
This is another way to kick things off.
It's easy to think 'the talk' is just about the mechanics of sex, but actually there is a lot more kids need to be aware of.
As well as STIs it's vital youngsters realise the dangers of the internet and social media.
You might think yours would never send a nude picture of them self, but a surprising number have no qualms about doing so.
"Most of them when they’re in their teens will have a fair idea of who’s dodgy online in terms of sending them messages but photographs and sexting and all that, that’s a whole other thing," Pixie said.
"It’s a real worry and an emerging worry.
"You think your kids would never send a nude photograph of themselves to someone else but you’d be surprised. It’s an absolute minefield, and it goes on all the time.
"I spoke to some girls, they were 16 I think, and they said in a school, in a group, there will always be someone who trades nude photographs.
"They have these issues as well with WhatsApp groups. If you’re in a WhatsApp group with a load of lads and one of them gets a picture of a girl in a compromising situation it’ll be saved to your phone because that’s how WhatsApp works [this function can be turned off].
"In my day it was definitely 'don’t get pregnant or you’re dead'.
"Then it sort of became 'don’t get a sexually transmitted infection' and now I think it’s consent and just make sure that what you’re sharing you’re prepared for your grandmother to see. If you’re happy for her to see it, then fine."