Could sleeping separately strengthen your relationship? Sun readers reveal impact of nights apart on their love lives
As one in ten couples in the UK are revealed to sleep in separate beds, we test whether nights apart really do make a relationship stronger
DO couples that sleep together stay together?
Surprising research has found a whopping one in ten couples in the UK now sleep in separate beds.
While some of us might spend the odd night on the couch to avoid our partner’s snoring, the trend for permanently sleeping apart is growing.
So are different beds the key to a happy marriage or do regular nights apart destroy your relationship?
Here, JENNY FRANCIS asked four couples, two of whom sleep in the same bed and two who don’t, to swap their arrangements for a week to see how the new routines affect their relationships – and their sex lives.
'I became detached and showed her less affection'
RECEPTIONIST Clare Matthew, 38, has been married to diver Rob, 35, for eight years.
The couple have always shared a bed and believe it means special time together without kids Sophie, seven, and Ben, six.
Clare, from Colchester, Essex, says: “We are a very tactile couple and our bedroom is out of bounds to the children.
“We go to bed at the same time every night and this is when we have our little talks together about our day and anything we want to get off our mind.
“I love falling asleep with Rob – it’s so comforting.”
Rob says: “Those moments before we go to sleep are really precious.
“I’ll often give Clare a back massage, and obviously this is when one thing can lead to another and we get to be intimate with each other. At the moment we only really have sex once a week, and I admit I’d like it to be more.”
AFTER A WEEK OF SLEEPING APART:
SHE SAYS: “The first night I was unusually wide awake and didn’t sleep well at all. By the following afternoon I was tired and grumpy. I snapped at Rob over the smallest thing. I slept better the following night but still didn’t feel rested in the morning.
“I noticed that during the day we were nowhere near as affectionate, as we had not had that time together in the evening.
“This week has left me feeling as though we’re like roommates. Sex hasn’t happened either, I’ve been tired and not felt close enough to him to initiate it.”
HE SAYS: “It’s not been good. The first night I couldn’t get to sleep for hours.
“I’ve been noticeably more detached from Clare and shown her less affection.
“I wouldn’t dare ask for sex – she’d bite my head off – so we’ve had less intimacy as a result. This definitely wouldn’t improve our marriage.”
'Good to wake up next to him but sex life suffered'
LEYLA DJELASSI, 31, has slept in a different bed to her partner for nearly four years.
The business centre manager and her partner of five years, Roland Cook, 38, a Tube driver, believe it is the secret to a happy relationship.
Leyla, from Gravesend, Kent, says: “We have slept apart every night and think it has a positive impact on our relationship.
“We argue less when we’re not constantly waking each other up all night. His snoring is absolutely awful and he gets so irritable in bed.
“We’re both miserable when we have not had much sleep and it ends up affecting our sex life.”
Roland says: “We aren’t cuddly sleepers so not sharing a bed suits me fine. It makes no difference to us as we don’t have any contact while asleep anyway.”
AFTER SLEEPING TOGETHER FOR A WEEK:
SHE SAYS: “I’ve enjoyed sharing a bed together this week more than I thought. He snored a few times but it was nice to wake up and feel someone in the bed next to me. It can be lonely waking up on your own.
“But we had more sex when we slept apart because that was our intimate time together – this week we just swapped it for cuddles.”
HE SAYS: “I have to admit it has been nice to be sharing a bed again.
“Our sex life usually revolves around us planning time between shifts or when we are both around.
“We enjoy it in the day as we make time for it. It’s our special time together.
“Being more rested actually helps us get more in the mood for sex. This week has made us closer, but our sex life has definitely suffered.”
'It made me feel closer to him during the day'
ANTHEA NASH and office worker husband Alfie, 38, have only spent a few nights apart during their ten-year relationship.
Nanny Anthea, 35, from Leyton, East London, believes it is this arrangement that leads to them having sex every other night.
Anthea, mum to Jordan, nine, says: “We have been together for ten years and been married for nine. In that time we’ve only slept apart for five nights. When he’s not there I just can’t sleep. We both love falling asleep next to each other and it makes us feel closer.
“Our sex life is really good. We do it every other day apart from when I’m really tired.
“I love the fact we can have a chat in bed, have sex then fall asleep next to each other. It feels safe.”
Alfie says: “I’ve always enjoyed sleeping in bed with Anthea. We’re a married couple so we think that’s normal and we’re quite intimate so we wouldn’t have it any other way.”
AFTER SLEEPING IN SEPARATE BEDS:
SHE SAYS: “Without Alfie in bed with me I didn’t sleep well at all. I admit I missed him so much at night it made me feel closer to him during the day. We had sex every day during the day, instead of at night, which was fun and exciting.
“We were definitely more touchy-feely in the day, too.”
HE SAYS: “Nights apart made me feel surprisingly closer to Anthea during the day. We didn’t bicker at all because we didn’t want to ruin the time we had together.
“The whole concept of absence making the heart grow fonder is definitely true.
“We had more sex, and during the day too, but I did miss sex before bed.”
related stories
'At first it felt weird but it's lovely having the contact'
ANNEMARIE KIERNAN, 33, a full-time mum, lives with her partner of ten years Martin Carey, 33, a carpenter.
The couple, from Kilburn, North West London, have not slept in the same bed for eight months.
Annemarie, mum to Kira, 12, Shane, ten, and seven-month-old Jack, says: “Things changed when Jack was born. We agreed it might be better for Martin to have a decent night’s sleep on the sofa bed. It was meant to be temporary, but for more than half a year we’ve slept in separate rooms.
“It stops us getting annoyed at each other. We have sex about once a month, which isn’t ideal, but that’s because we are both tired, not because we sleep in separate beds.”
Martin says: “We love each other but are not compatible in bed. Annemarie is a heavy sleeper, while I wake at the slightest sound. We used to have sex at least once a week. Now I’m lucky if it’s once a month.”
AFTER A WEEK OF SLEEPING TOGETHER:
SHE SAYS: “On the first night of promising to sleep in the same bed, Martin had a lads’ night out and got into bed with me at God knows what hour.
“The next night we went to bed early. We started to get a bit cuddly but just as the fireworks were about to go off, the baby woke. If we kept sleeping in the same bed we’d have more regular sex.
“At first it felt weird having him in the bed but it’s been lovely having that contact.
HE SAYS: “It was lovely being next to her before sleep again. Sleeping in the same bed is bringing us closer but we haven’t had any more sex.”