My ex is two-timing me and her new flashy rich boyfriend
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Dear Deidre
MY ex-girlfriend had a massive row with her new boyfriend when he was drunk. I comforted her and we ended up in bed together.
It was brilliant but it’s got even more messy since.
We had been together for three years when we split up six months ago.
She said we were different personalities and it was not working. She is 24 and I am 25.
She soon found another guy, who is 29 and has lots of money and a posh car.
I was devastated because I still love her, but I realised I had to move on and we stayed friends.
They became official and went to the Maldives together, which was tough for me because I had dreamed of doing that with her.
But she texted me soon after they came back and said it had been awful and she had finished with him. We went out for a drink together and ended up having sex.
A mutual friend was getting married two weeks later. I was best man and I hoped she’d come with me.
Then my ex told me she was back with her boyfriend and that they were going to the wedding together.
He had loads to drink that day and they had a huge row at the evening disco.
He stormed off. After I comforted her she said she felt better, so we spent the rest of the evening together.
I was staying the night at the venue and she came up to my room with me when the disco finished.
We had great sex and we admitted the next day that we still had feelings for each other.
She got back with her boyfriend a few days later but we kept texting each other.
She told me her boyfriend loves her but she does not enjoy sex with him and she broke up with him again.
We had sex a few more times after that but then she went on a mate-date with him and ended up sleeping with him.
She says she still has feelings for me and our sex is amazing, but it is complicated.
I want to win her back because she is the only girl I have ever loved.
DEIDRE SAYS: You need to take a big step back here and tell her to sort herself out and come to you only when she knows that your relationship is what she wants long-term.
While you carry on having sex with her, it is clouding your judgment (hers too) and you are leaving yourself open to more hurt.
She is also hurting her boyfriend.
Tell her that she is playing with both of your feelings and that you will not have sex with her again unless you are back together in a proper relationship.
If she can’t see that she must stop all this back and forth, break off contact and free yourself to find someone who will really love you. My e-leaflet Moving On will help you.
Should I bother with my rocky relationship?
Dear Deidre
I have been with my boyfriend for three years but am starting to wonder if I am with the right person.
Things were brilliant until his mum died 14 months ago. Soon after that, our house was flooded.
It was traumatic.
We had help from a local foundation and our home is being renovated but things are different between us. We argue about stupid things.
I am 29 and he is 27 but we can go months without sex. Whenever I make the first move, he rejects me.
DEIDRE SAYS: You have been through a terrible time and he maybe suffered more than he let on when he lost his mum.
Many men cope with trauma by withdrawing and he won’t feel good about his loss of sex drive.
Tell him you are worried about your relationship. My Help For Bereavement e-leaflet can help.
Give him some relaxing massages to help him feel less stressed and to reconnect physically.
Secret hobby may drive her away
Dear Deidre
I love to wear my girlfriend’s clothes and pretend I’m in a dream world, but I only get the opportunity to dress up when she goes out shopping.
I’m a 43-year-old guy and my girlfriend is 38.
We have a great relationship and tell one another everything but I’ve been hiding this from her for the past three years.
I’m certain she doesn’t suspect a thing but I can’t carry on deceiving her.
I often have online chats with other males I meet role-playing. I need help because I want to be faithful to my girlfriend.
She’d be so upset and hurt if she knew what I was doing.
DEIDRE SAYS: It may not be easy but you must be honest with your girlfriend. Say how much you love her and hope that she can understand.
My leaflet Cross-dressing Worries will help and you can find support through the Beaumont Society (, 01582 412220).
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He looks at porn once sex is over
Dear Deidre
I found my boyfriend masturbating to porn just minutes after we had sex.
He does it when I am in the shower and gets up before me at weekends just to watch porn.
He is blatant about it.
I used to get upset. Now I try to ignore it but that is hard when I keep walking in on him.
We are both 28 and have been together for four years.
Last Saturday we had sex in bed then chatted for a while.
We were going out that evening so I decided to have a shower. I went back into the bedroom for my robe and found him masturbating.
I was so upset. He had climaxed with me, then turned to porn.
His habit is wrecking my sexual confidence. We have argued about it. I know I shouldn’t tell him what to do but now my confidence is nil.
DEIDRE SAYS: Lots of guys look at a bit of porn – discreetly.
A habit like his, which is destructive of your relationship, amounts to an addiction. Of course he should respect your feelings. Tell him he will kill your relationship if he carries on.
If he needs help to stop, he could try the free Kick Start Recovery Programme ().
Topic4today
EVEN in these supposedly enlightened times I regularly hear from women readers whose partners can't be bothered with foreplay or don't understand how vital it is.
My e-leaflet Fed Up With Wham-bam? will help.
For a copy, email [email protected]
My wife demands I give up racing
Dear Deidre
I HAVE been stock-car racing for years and love it but my wife says it’s her or the cars.
I don’t drink, smoke or have other hobbies. I raced when I met my wife 15 years ago. Now I am 35, she is 34.
I had two racing bangers but sold them to buy a classic car to race. My wife has made it plain she hates me racing so I did it just three times last year.
Recently she said we are over if I continue racing.
We had a bitter row and our sons, who are nine and 11, heard and were upset.
I left the house to cool down.
I skipped racing this year to appease her but I know I will resent her for it.
I tried talking to her but it always has to be her way.
DEIDRE SAYS: Ask her why she wants you to stop. Is she worried you will be injured? Is it the cost?
Or does she think it takes too much of your time and energy away from the family? Once you know what is behind her ultimatum, you might be able to arrive at a compromise.
Relate can help you sort this out and save your marriage (, 0300 100 1234). You can chat for free online.
BECOME A FORCES PENPAL: My service has helped cheer up our lads for years – especially those serving overseas. Find out how to join in here.
