My girlfriend’s sister is much more fun to be with and there’s passion, laughter and wonderful sex – but we do not know what to do
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Dear Deidre
I STEPPED outside from a family wedding party in order to get a bit of peace but ended up having sex with my girlfriend’s sister.
I love my girlfriend but the relationship has never been really exciting.
We got together by accident and there has always been something missing.
I met her at work and we got on well — as friends.
I am 27, she is 23.
Then my landlord gave me notice as he was selling the flat.
She said I could stay at hers until I got something sorted out.
That was ten months ago.
We shared a bottle of wine one evening and ended up in bed.
Next morning she asked if we were together and I just could not say no.
She has introduced me to her family, including her 26-year-old sister who is in a relationship and has a five-year-old son.
I fancied her sister from the start and then three months ago we went to their cousin’s wedding and there was a big party.
I went outside for some fresh air and found my girlfriend’s sister there.
We were chatting and I told her I fancied her and she admitted she felt the same.
She said her boyfriend is nice but boring and they rarely have sex.
We went to a quieter part of the garden and started kissing.
It felt amazing.
We ended up having sex in my car and we have been messaging and meeting whenever we can since.
Everything is amazing when we are together.
There is passion, laughter and wonderful sex.
We have fallen in love but we do not know what to do.
DEIDRE SAYS: You say yourself that it will blow the family apart if you get together openly.
Are you really serious enough about one another to withstand that pressure?
In any event, there can be no future with your girlfriend’s sister while you are both in other relationships.
Talk to her but remember that she has her son to consider and she may be unwilling to break with his father.
In this case, you must finish with her.
My e-leaflet Your Lover Not Free will help you see this.
But if she is serious, you must sort out your existing relationships first.
Be fair to your girlfriend, either way.
If you know deep down that you do not love her enough to want to stay in the relationship with her, it would be kinder to set her free.
Boyfriend's dead against a family
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend is adamant he doesn’t want children.
He’s 38 and is used to his own space.
He loves to travel and goes on expensive holidays and doesn’t want kids “spoiling” that.
He says if I definitely want children there is little point in us continuing to date.
I don’t want them yet, as I’m only 26 and love my job, but I will at some stage.
Do you think he’ll change his mind some day?
DEIDRE SAYS: Maternal instinct is a powerful drive but you’re in your twenties so enjoy your career and let your feelings settle.
Return to the conversation in a year, without holding a gun to his head.
Tell him why you are keen to have children and ask him to explain why he is so against the idea.
There might be family history putting him off that could be resolved.
With careful planning, he may not need to give up his holidays to be a dad.
Wife puts horses before the kids
Dear Deidre
MY wife prioritises her horses over everything.
She found it hard to stop show-jumping when she had our son, who is now eight, so I agreed to fund her having a couple of horses, as long as family life didn’t suffer.
I am 39 and my wife is 30.
When she was pregnant with our daughter, now three, we agreed she would scale it all back.
But she has dragged her heels and is out training all the time and neglecting our family life and business.
DEIDRE SAYS: Horses can be addictive but cost a lot.
Say you understand her longing to be out there but you must prioritise.
Together, go through all your income and costs – in cash and time.
Draw up a “budget” for both so it’s clear what’s fair.
Your children have to be the priority for now, then the business, with leisure (and horses) last.
Hopefully she’ll pull her weight once she realises.
My husband sends me vile texts
Dear Deidre
I’VE never cheated but my husband says our marriage is over unless I admit I have.
We have been married for 14 years and are both 35.
He is nasty and throws everything back in my face.
I simply spoke to a male colleague we met in a shop.
My husband grabbed my arm and pulled me away.
When my boss died, we went to the funeral.
This colleague was there and my husband gave him evil looks.
My husband now sends me vile texts about what he thinks I am doing with this guy.
If I wear make-up for work, he says I’m a whore.
He says he wants a divorce unless I confess I have slept with that guy.
He has stopped giving me housekeeping money.
Mental illness runs in his family and I am not sure how much more I can take.
DEIDRE SAYS: His envy and behaviour are way beyond reasonable.
Tell him you have never cheated and if he cannot believe you, your marriage will not last.
My e-leaflet Dealing With Jealousy could help him understand this all stems from his insecurity.
But this won’t work if his paranoia is a symptom of mental illness.
Make an appointment to talk to his GP and get advice from Mind (0300 123 3393, ).
BECOME A FORCES PENPAL: My service has helped cheer up our lads for years – especially those serving overseas. Find out how to join in here.
I am getting brassed off about son's idle girlfriend
Dear Deidre
MY son and his girlfriend live with us but are bone idle around the house.
They moved in with the idea they would get jobs and save for a deposit on their own place.
My son has found a job but his girlfriend has not even tried.
She stays in bed until 15 minutes before our son is due home.
She only comes out of their room to shower or get something to eat.
I am 49 and I work 12-hour shifts.
My wife is 47 and works full-time.
Our son is 24 and his girlfriend is 22.
They leave dirty dishes around and never lift a finger.
They’ve been living here rent-free and full-board for four months now.
I am getting brassed off with it.
DEIDRE SAYS: They are both taking advantage of your goodwill but start by talking to your son.
Tell him they both have to pull their weight because you and his mum work long hours.
Stay calm but be firm that his girlfriend should do most of the chores until she finds a job.
My e-leaflet Help For Job Hunters can assist her.
Once she is working, you can share the jobs according to how many hours you are all working.
Be firm that they must find somewhere else to live unless they behave like responsible adults.
Sex isn't perfect with my school sweetheart
Dear Deidre
I FINALLY won my school sweetheart and it’s all perfect – except for the sex.
We went out for three months at school but her family moved away and we lost touch.
We are 48 now and single.
I found her on Facebook and we met.
The spark was still there and we are in love – but I can’t get an erection.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s likely anxiety but have a check-up with your GP in case it is a medical issue.
If you get the all-clear, my e-leaflet Solving Erection Problems explains self-help therapy.
I was born with a tiny penis
Dear Deidre
I WAS born with a tiny penis.
I get a decent erection when I have sex and my girlfriend says she’s happy with my size but I’m not sure I believe her.
Are there any creams or tablets I can get to make it large all the time?
We’re in our early twenties.
DEIDRE SAYS: No, and it’s perfectly normal for a small flaccid penis to expand a lot when sex is on the cards.
My e-leaflet Manhood Too Small? explains.
A woman’s sexual satisfaction doesn’t depend on inches – it’s skill that thrills.
Teenage troubles
Dear Deidre
MUM drinks heavily and I have to look after my two brothers, who are six and seven, in the evenings.
I cook the dinner and put them to bed.
I make sure they have clean clothes for school next day.
More often than not, I have to put my mum to bed too.
My parents are separated and Dad is useless.
I am a girl of 16 and I want to do well at school but Mum is such a worry.
She is 33.
Her boyfriend is 31 and is moving in soon.
It will help to have a responsible adult in the house but I feel I cannot be myself around him.
It seems like my life is spiralling out of control.
I have good friends but they don’t really know what my life is like at home.
DEIDRE SAYS:
I am very worried for you and your brothers.
Talk to your form teacher or head of year so they understand the pressures on you.
I know you’re not comfortable around your mum’s boyfriend but can he be trusted to look after your mum and your brothers?
If not, you need more help urgently.
You can find support and guidance through the National Association for the Children of Alcoholics (0800 358 3456 or ).
I have a massive crush on Sleeping Beauty
Dear Deidre
I HAVE a massive crush on Sleeping Beauty.
I am a member of a theatre group and a new girl joined last year.
She is the prettiest girl I have ever met and I admired her but I had a girlfriend at the time.
I am cast as the prince for our panto and this girl is playing Sleeping Beauty.
I am 19, she is 18.
We have been flirting outside of rehearsals and getting to know each other better.
My girlfriend dumped me last month but I am sure this is not a rebound.
I never stop thinking about this girl.
I even dream about her but I am confused about whether my feelings are normal.
DEIDRE SAYS: Get to know each other better.
Building a close friendship will be the best basis for a lasting relationship.
Give yourself a chance to get over your previous relationship first.
