My spurned son’s dad is threatening to ruin my happiness
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Dear Deidre
I HAD the most passionate sex of my life with an old friend.
I thought we would be together for life but I fell pregnant and he immediately hated me.
He’s had nothing to do with his son for three years but now says he wants to be in his life.
However it will wreck mine — I have a new partner who has raised my son as his own.
He says he will leave if my ex is going to be around.
My first job was as the office junior for a firm of accountants.
This guy was just beginning his training.
We’d go out together on a Friday night, met each other’s friends and got on so well.
We kissed a few times but it never led to anything.
We lost touch when I moved on to a better job but then I ran into him on a train four years ago.
I was 22 and he was 24.
He asked me out for a drink.
I was single and he gave me the impression he was too.
He said he’d always fancied me.
We went back to my place and he kissed me and then it seemed the most natural thing in the world to have sex.
We met up a few more times, but then I realised I was pregnant.
It was an accident but he was horrified when I told him – he clearly hated me for it.
He announced he had a girlfriend and had no intention of leaving her.
He walked away.
My parents helped me, and I met my partner through friends six months after I had my little boy.
We fell in love quickly and I moved into his place.
He loves my son as his own.
My son’s dad got in touch two weeks ago, saying he has a newborn daughter and he wants his children to know each other.
My son has a right to know his dad too but, if I allow it, I’ll lose the man I love.
DEIDRE SAYS: I can understand your partner’s outrage.
Tell him you and your son both love him but ask him to give you a chance to think this through calmly.
It’s important to get it right for your son’s sake.
Your son’s biological father showed a shameful lack of concern.
He’s feeling sentimental now his daughter is here but will this continue into lasting commitment for your son as he grows up?
Spell out to him that it will be damaging for your son if he’s not intending to be whole-hearted.
Only if your ex is really convincing should you ask your partner to give contact a chance.
But it is important to be honest with your son about his parentage.
You and your partner can find support from Family Lives (0808 800 2222, ).
Dear Deidre
I AM sick of my boyfriend neglecting me and I’m tempted to have an affair.
He is a workaholic and hardly ever home.
When he is, he just wants to sleep.
I am a woman of 34, he is 38 and we have a year-old daughter.
Our sex life has never been that good.
I have to beg for it, then do all the work.
I have spoken to him about it but he never listens.
It’s his way or no way.
I love him, though not as much as when we first met.
I have been texting my first serious boyfriend.
I don’t want to tear my family apart but would a bit of secret fun hurt?
DEIDRE SAYS: I am afraid it would damage your relationship with your little girl’s dad even more.
She deserves you both to try harder.
Tell your boyfriend he needs to find a better work/life balance.
Be specific about the changes, spelling out he risks losing his family.
My e-leaflet Saving Your Sex Life will help.
Dear Deidre
I WAS so upset when I heard a girl at work say she was moving in with her boyfriend.
I’d kissed her and fancied her and I thought she felt the same way.
I’m 27 and moved to a new department within my company and met a lovely girl of 24.
We got chatting at our office Christmas party.
The lads were getting pretty tanked up but I’m not a big drinker so I sat with my new female friend.
I walked her to her bus and we shared a passionate kiss.
I couldn’t wait to get back to work last week but in the canteen I overheard her telling a friend about her plans to move in with her boyfriend.
I thought we had something good going on.
DEIDRE SAYS: Sadly, the kiss was all it was for her.
Maybe you should be glad to escape a girl who can get carried away so easily
She’s clearly in a serious relationship.
Don’t wait around.
Lick your wounds and move on.
Were you setting too much store by this because your social life is a bit flat?
My e-leaflet Widening Your Social Life has lots of ideas.
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend has been meeting other men for sex behind my back.
I’m a gay man of 23 and my boyfriend is 30.
We have been together for two years and met through a gay dating site.
I found out he had kept his profile on there after we got together.
We had a discussion about it and he said it wouldn’t happen again.
I have now found out once more that he’s met two other men and had one-night stands with them.
I don’t think sex with me is enough for him.
DEIDRE SAYS: I read more and more that it is normal for gay men to be promiscuous yet I’d never cheat on him.
How can he do that to me?
I thought I was a good catch.
Forget about generalisations.
You want a monogamous relationship and he’s not right for you if he can’t or won’t commit.
My e-leaflet Cheating: Can You Get Over It? will help you decide whether to give him one last chance.
But if he won’t promise to be faithful and mean it, walk away and find somebody who will give you 100 per cent.
Dear Deidre
MY parents have no control over my half-sister’s behaviour.
I’m a 17-year-old boy, she is 13 and the apple of my stepfather’s eye.
She tells the family what to do, what we can eat and what TV shows we should watch.
She is irresponsible, rude, demanding and spoilt.
If she doesn’t get her way all hell breaks loose.
If she’s rude to my parents, I try to stand up for them but they seem to turn on me and I’m the bad guy.
DEIDRE SAYS: Talk to your mum.
It’s doing your half-sister no favours to let her grow up spoiled and demanding, but maybe your mum finds it hard to stand up to her difficult daughter.
Pass my e-leaflet about Stepfamily Problems on to your mum.
Suggest you all sit down and draw up house rules.
You can find support through The Mix (, 0808 808 4994).
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Dear Deidre
I’VE got this overwhelming fear that my boyfriend will leave me for someone else.
He is 18 and I’m a 16-year-old girl.
He’s good at responding to texts and apologises if he doesn’t text back within ten minutes.
But I can’t trust him because of cheating boys I’ve been out with before.
I battle with myself every day.
I want to be close to him and trust him but part of me convinces me he’s going to leave.
I cause arguments just to prove myself right.
DEIDRE SAYS: You don’t have to let your past dictate your relationship now.
Write a list of all the ways this boyfriend is different from earlier ones and read it when you feel anxious.
Don’t be so attached to your phone that you are worrying if he doesn’t text you back within minutes.
It doesn’t mean he’s cheating.
My e-leaflet on Dealing With Jealousy explains more self-help tactics.
BECOME A FORCES PENPAL: My service has helped cheer up our lads for years – especially those serving overseas. Find out how to join in here.
