Risking my marriage to have no-strings attached sex with younger work colleagues every week
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
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Dear Deidre
I WAKE up every Saturday in the bed of one of the girls from work. I’m scared my wife will catch me out before too long.
I’ve been married for 20 years. I’m 41 and I’ve been told I’m a good-looking guy.
My wife and I are set in our ways and the sex is mechanical and dull. She is 38 and we have two sons.
I work for a construction company and the lads are my saviours. We drink after work on a Friday and always invite the girls from the show homes. There are seven of them in their 20s.
We drink, then the music gets cranked up and the dancing starts and there are often one-nighters with the girls.
Things went too far last week. One of the girls came in with a new recruit — a girl of 18 who had just joined our construction company as an apprentice for house sales.
She drank vodka which seemed to go straight to her head. She jumped on a table with another girl and they were dancing until she slipped. I just caught her but covered her in beer in the process.
She was apologetic even though she was the one who was soaked so I offered her my coat to go home in and we caught a cab to her parents’ house. They were away at the time.
She was tipsy and giggly and put her arms around my neck.
She took me up to her room where we had sex. She was so young but I wasn’t thinking straight. It was just sex. I fell asleep and woke up in the early hours and went home feeling awful, thinking that girl could have been my daughter.
My wife was waiting up for me and went mental. I told her I’d been playing cards at a mate’s.
It’s only a matter of time before I get rumbled but I love my Friday nights. They give me something to look forward to in my otherwise dull life.
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve been acting like a teen. Your reputation for being a decent guy may be gone already where your colleagues are concerned. Are you practising safe sex? What if you have a contraception failure?
You’re risking everything for no-strings sex, and marriages break up over less. Do you think so little of your wife you’d hurt her that much?
Enjoy drinks with your colleagues but take your foot off the gas a bit, stay in control and go home to your wife.
A stale relationship can be fixed with some effort. When did you last take your wife out for a meal or even walk hand-in-hand in the park?
You need to reconnect with her again and remember why you married her.
My e-leaflet 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex will improve things in bed, too.
related stories
Fiancee cheated while I worked to pay for wedding
Dear Deidre
MY fiancée cheated on me for months while I did extra shifts to pay for our wedding.
She is 29 and I’m 32. She has a string of failed relationships behind her but she’s been the one true love of my life.
We have lots of issues as she’s difficult to live with.
We make joint decisions about major things then she says I forced her to give up her job or made her move away from her family.
I love her and didn’t want to lose her so I proposed.
One morning, she left her phone at home. It rang so I answered and saw she had messages. There were explicit texts and pictures from her to another guy. I was gutted. I confronted her but she just said, “S**t happens”.
I’ve worked so hard to give her the wedding of her dreams yet she’s throwing it all back in my face.
DEIDRE SAYS: If you still believe she’s the love of your life, insist on some Relate couple counselling together so you can agree on boundaries you will both respect (, 0300 100 1234).
If you realise this is a one-sided love affair, my e-leaflet Mending Your Broken Heart will help you move on.
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here.
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You can also private message on the Facebook page.
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Jealous of husband's gifts for his daughter
Dear Deidre
MY husband bought his daughter some beautiful diamond earrings for Christmas.
My problem is, I’m jealous of their relationship. He’s never bought anything like that for me or our daughter.
I am 62 and my husband is 67. His daughter made contact after 40 years, which was lovely for him. She’s 45 and her mother did not allow her to see my husband.
He always told me about her and I was delighted when she got in touch, but now I hate seeing them together and resent how much time he spends with her.
Our own daughter is 38 and I think she may be jealous too.
My husband bought her a jumper for Christmas while I got a new vacuum cleaner! How can I stop these awful feelings?
DEIDRE SAYS: Talk to your husband. He’s making up for a lot of lost time by lavishing gifts on his long-lost daughter but he’s taking for granted the family he’s been with for years.
Tell him he needs to be fair when it comes to both his daughters and instead of him seeing his estranged daughter separately, encourage him to invite her to family gatherings.
TOPIC FOR THE DAY
DO you find it hard to say no or feel taken for granted?
Many of us put up with poor treatment because we don’t know how to be assertive. My e-leaflet Standing Up For Yourself explains self-help tips. To get a copy, email me at problems@deardeidre.org.
Should I ditch my girlfriend after drunken money rows?
Dear Deidre
MY girlfriend and I drink too much then row about money. We had a terrible row after Monopoly on Boxing Day.
I have a good job and my own house. I’m 40. She’s 37 and rents with her little boy.
She lives hand-to-mouth and sometimes I’d rather be with somebody who can bring more to the table.
When she lost our drunken game of Monopoly, I said she was rubbish with money – just like real life.
She went mental and accused me of being tight. Maybe I should just find somebody else.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your single mum girlfriend will have expenses and bills that never feature in your world.
Does her son’s father contribute? If not, she should contact Child Maintenance Options Service (, 0800 988 0988).
Drinking adds fuel, but if your relationships revolve around how much money someone has then she can’t live up to your expectations.
BECOME A FORCES PENPAL: My service has helped cheer up our lads for years - especially those serving overseas. Find out how to join in here.
Married nine weeks ago and the honeymoon period's already over
Dear Deidre
OUR honeymoon period is definitely over after just two months. We are both 26.
We had a big white wedding nine weeks ago. Before that, my husband wanted me all the time.
Now he doesn’t come near me when I need him – it’s just when he wants sex, which is every couple of days.
As we’ve only been married recently, shouldn’t the passion still be there? We argue about it, I cry and he gets really moody with me.
He says I’m attractive and he loves me but in reality it’s all about sex on his terms.
I feel miserable every time he pushes me away.
DEIDRE SAYS: Lots of new marriages go through a tough period of adjustment.
There has to be compromise over when you both want sex. Talk to him about how rejected you feel and ask what you could do to help him feel more like meeting you halfway.
My e-leaflet on Different Sex Drives explains more.