My love rat husband sends 60 sexts a day to another woman while I’m at work… but he won’t have sex with me
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
MY husband and I have always had a very passionate relationship. We cheated on our previous partners to be together but now he’s been cheating on me.
He is the absolute love of my life — which is my excuse for my sorry behaviour in my previous marriage. I am 37 and he is 42.
A year ago I discovered he was sending sexy emails, like the ones he used to send me, to two women he works with and was meeting up with them.
This time it was me he was referring to as “wifey” and telling them how gorgeous they were.
He cried, begged for forgiveness and said it would never happen again. Six months later I discovered he was seeing yet another woman. It had begun about a week after he promised me it was only me he wanted.
He was sending her up to 60 texts and sexts a day, starting when I left for work and ending just before I got home.
We were having lunches out together to try to rebuild our relationship and he was sexting her before and after our meals.
He tried to deny it at first but finally admitted they had been having sex. She was single so I told him to go to her.
He didn’t, he stayed, giving me a further guarantee much the same as the first one.
I forgave him only after he admitted he had a problem and said he got a thrill from flirty texts.
Again he gave me his guarantee this would never happen again and took the password off his mobile phone.
I pushed everything to the back of my mind as it was the only way I could cope.
But I am so frightened of the future and have horrible nightmares about him doing it again.
Our sex life took a nosedive when he began the sexting. It’s improving but there are still blips when he cannot perform.
What makes it worse is that he had no problems in bed with the other women, just with me.
I cannot get my head round it all. Friends say how lucky we are to have such a perfect relationship and I feel like screaming the truth. I will never celebrate our wedding anniversary again.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is a positive step that your husband has admitted he is hooked on flirting – and cheating, if he’s willing to be really honest.
Be firm that you can’t trust him to rely on willpower alone. My e-leaflet Addicted To Sex? explains expert help, and he can follow the free online Kick Start Recovery Programme developed by sex-addiction expert Paula Hall ().
My e-leaflet 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex has lots of ideas to help couples in long-term relationships.
related stories
Fella is far too tight to tie the knot
Dear Deidre
MY partner said if I wanted a wedding I should go out to work to pay for it – but soon changed his mind when he realised he’d have to care for our children alone.
I’m 29 and he’s 28. We’ve lived together for five years and have three little kids. He cheated on me once – maybe that’s why I so want to get married, to feel more secure.
He works in a garage and I’m a full-time mum. He said he wants to be married to me but that money is tight, though he still goes to the football and to the pub.
Getting married is massive to me. I want the same name as my kids.
I applied for a job in the evenings but when he realised he’d be home alone with the kids he said he’d save up the money.
He now says a wedding will cost too much and he can’t see the need to get married.
DEIDRE SAYS: What’s most important to you, having a big wedding or being married to the father of your children?
If it’s the latter, then explain that to him and tell him it needn’t cost much.
But being married is no guarantee he’ll stay faithful. My e-leaflet Looking After Your Relationship can help.
TOPIC FOR THE DAY
NEARLY three out of four women will experience pain during sex, and for some it is so intense that it effectively stops them having intercourse. My e-leaflet Self-help For Painful Sex explains causes, self-help and where to find expert treatment.
I tried it on with my fiancee's mother
Dear Deidre
I’M engaged to a beautiful girl but I can’t stop thinking about other women, including her mum.
I love my fiancée. She’s 24 and I’m 25. We’ve been together for four years and have a daughter aged two.
When we first got together I used dating sites. I didn’t cheat but I liked the attention.
One weekend my girlfriend invited her mum to stay then left us alone while she went to the gym. Her mum is a young 45.
She looked so sexy I kissed her but she backed away and said: “No!” I still think about her.
I flirt with a girl in my office. We swapped numbers and text all the time, and I think I’ve got feelings for her.
DEIDRE SAYS: You go for the buzz of attention with someone new and my bet is that’s just a distraction from pain.
Were you badly hurt or neglected as a child by someone important to you? Did you learn to distrust feeling loved?
You’re playing with fire. Don’t risk what’s important to you. My e-leaflet Can’t Be Faithful? can help.
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
How can I get my son to talk to me?
Dear Deidre
MY son has stopped talking to me and it’s breaking my heart. I don’t know why.
I’m a widow of 48, he’s 25 and my only child. We’ve always had a good relationship up until now.
I hadn’t heard from him for a month which was very unusual. I called his mobile but it just went to voicemail. He didn’t reply to the message I left.
After four months I called him at work, which I don’t like to do. He said he was fine. I asked if I’d somehow upset him but he said he was busy.
He hasn’t called and Christmas is coming. What do I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: How upsetting. He may have some problems he finds hard to discuss with you now. Try to trust that this will change, given time.
Write him a letter. Say that you don’t want to intrude but you love him and you’re always there. Find support from Family Lives (, 0808 800 2222).
I hope he calls soon.
Having children has ruined our sex life
Dear Deidre
YEARS of quickies because of having four children has ruined my sex life.
I used to be good in bed before having the kids. Then my wife and I seemed to have no time at all to ourselves and precious little privacy either.
We’d try to have sex in the morning before they woke up or to fit in a quickie. I think I trained myself to finish fast.
We’re now in our forties and the children are older and not the same problem but I can’t get back to the way things should be. We want to make up for lost time but I still always finish too soon.
DEIDRE SAYS: Parent-hood can play havoc with a couple’s sex life.
This is one of the most common sexual problems and it’s generally easy to resolve. Next time you finish too soon, cuddle up and recover, then try again. You’ll probably find you last longer the second time around.
My e-leaflet Want To Last Longer explains self-help.
BECOME A FORCES PENPAL: My service has helped cheer up our lads for years - especially those serving overseas. Find out how to join in here.
