Sex addiction is like a game to me… but it’s ruining my life
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
WHENEVER I go on a night out, I message guys I have had sex with so I can be sure to have someone to go to bed with that night.
It’s like a game to me but I do wonder if I am addicted to sex. If I am, is this normal for someone of my age?
I am 20 and think I have probably had sex with around 50 guys so far.
The first time was when I was 14 but now it’s like I crave the attention.
Last Friday was typical. I met up with some girlfriends from work but on the bus on the way into town I messaged three guys I’d had sex with before to say where I’d be.
I got lucky with the third guy — he said he’d see me there around closing time.
He turned up as promised and took me back to his flat. He’s 23 and a good-looking guy.
We’d both had a lot to drink so the sex wasn’t the best ever, but I love feeling wanted and a man’s arms around me.
I stayed the night and we had sober sex again in the morning.
It was good but I know he doesn’t see me as girlfriend material.
I’m worried about where this is leading me. I had a miscarriage recently.
I didn’t even know I was pregnant until I was admitted to hospital and they told me what was happening.
It was a shock and I’m being careful to use protection now, but it doesn’t seem to have made me change my behaviour.
I know who the father of the baby was and I wonder if I should tell him. I realise he may not care but I feel he has a right to know what happened.
I feel guilty every time I see him.
DEIDRE SAYS: You have identified your problem yourself.
You are suffering from a form of sex addiction – and it is a problem, even if you try to tell yourself it is a game.
Using protection may lower your risk of unplanned pregnancy and sexual infection, but the emotional damage is just as serious.
Your deep need is to feel cherished and valued but this is not what you achieve.
You just have loveless sex.
Ask yourself why you crave attention so much and why you confuse it with true love and affection.
Maybe you grew up in a loveless home? Maybe you learned early on in life that sex alone is how you can get attention.
To experience real love you need to form a proper relationship with someone who really cares for you and wants to be with you long-term, not just for the occasional night.
Only then will you start to feel better about yourself and be rid of your sad way of life.
My e-leaflet Addicted To Sex? will help.
TOPIC FOR TODAY
AROUND one in 12 of us is into cross-dressing, though many keep the habit secret until they are in a committed relationship, when of course it can cause problems.
My e-leaflet Cross-dressing Worries? can help.
For your copy email [email protected].
I found gay chat site on his phone
Dear Deidre
MY partner gave me his old phone when I broke mine and I discovered he was logged in to a gay chatroom.
We have been together for four years. I am 37, he is 38.
I tackled him about it and he admitted he’d had oral sex with men from the site when we were first together.
He told me he was bisexual when we first met but said he would never deceive me.
What I am angry about is that he lied at the time to cover it up.
We had a row and he has moved out but is devastated.
I do not know where we go from here.
We have a two-year-old son together and I have a five-year-old daughter from a previous relationship who loves him like a dad.
DEIDRE SAYS: If he stopped cheating once he knew your relationship was serious, it is understandable he didn’t want to risk everything then.
Your children will be affected by the split so see if you can talk this through and trust him again.
A counsellor can help you both listen and talk.
My e-leaflet on Bisexual Issues explains where to find help.
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
No-sex ex wants to get back together
Dear Deidre
I CHEATED on my girlfriend because we had not had sex for the best part of a year.
She found out and dumped me.
I still love her and she wants to try again, but I have met a new girl and I’m torn.
I am 28 and my ex is 26. She is lovely but has always had a low sex drive.
I only cheated because I craved sex.
We have stayed in touch, often meeting for coffee.
I’ve had a few casual flings but hadn’t met anyone half as good as her.
Last month I met this new girl.
The sex is great and I can imagine us being in a permanent relationship.
Now my ex wants to give things another go but I think it’s only because she knows there is someone else.
DEIDRE SAYS: If your ex only talked of getting back together once she knew you had met someone, be wary.
Is there any reason to believe it would be different this time?
Trying to stay friends can make it hard to move on.
Don’t see your ex for a month and then see how you feel.
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Selfish fella leaving me frustrated
Dear Deidre
MY partner says he loves me but does not find me sexually attractive. I feel so frustrated.
He is 46, I am 40. Our sex life has never been brilliant but now there is not even any kissing or cuddles.
He likes me to give him oral sex but won’t do it to me. I’m left to my vibrator for pleasure.
I know sex isn’t everything but I wish we could have some, even if only once a month.
I have tried everything, from dressing sexily to watching soft porn with him, but nothing seems to work.
DEIDRE SAYS: This is more about emotional control than sexual desire.
How cruel to tell you he doesn’t find you sexually desirable, yet expects you to give him one-way oral sex.
You must feel so hurt as well as sexually frustrated.
Tell him things must change, and there will be no more oral sex until he makes you feel loved and desired.
My e-leaflet Your Man Too Cold? will help you sort this.
Christmas woe over partner's family
Dear Deidre
I AM facing Christmas alone because my girlfriend’s family hate me.
My girlfriend was secretly meeting her ex.
She hid messages and it caused a strain on our relationship.
I saw it as cheating even though it was not physical.
We sorted it out and are back together, but her family refuse to accept she was in the wrong and have made me out to be the bad one.
They say I will not be welcome at Christmas, but my parents emigrated to Canada and I can’t afford to see them.
I am 29 and my girlfriend is 27. I love her but I cannot see our relationship surviving.
DEIDRE SAYS: Neither can I and that may be a good thing.
I am not impressed by the way your girlfriend is allowing you to shoulder all the blame for the split.
Better a Christmas alone than being with a deceitful partner.
My e-leaflet Worried About Christmas? has lots of ideas.
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