My cheating wife’s lies have left me feeling broken-hearted
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
I KNEW for sure my wife was cheating when I smelled new aftershave on my pillow.
She had sworn there was nothing going on with a guy she works with but they had obviously had sex in our bed.
I love my wife to bits. I am 25 and she is 24. We have been together for four years and have no children — our choice.
She started a new job three months ago and kept talking about this rep.
Eventually, she admitted she’d kissed him a week after starting the job.
I was devastated.
The next day, she said she did not love me any more so we agreed on a temporary split.
I asked her to promise one thing: not to speak to this man again and she agreed.
I could not bear the thought of them together.
Even though I begged her to stay, she went to live with her parents and insisted she had not seen this rep again.
But she lied. Her dad told me she had invited this guy to meet her family and had spent the night at his house when his wife was away.
I found her lover was replying to a text from her saying she would come over to his the next weekend
He is nearly 40.
When I confronted her about it, she said she realised how stupid she had been and agreed to try again with me.
She moved back home and things seemed to get better but then one evening her phone buzzed and she didn’t hear it.
I picked it up and found her lover was replying to a text from her saying she would come over to his the next weekend so they could have sex all day.
I scrolled back and it was obvious he had been round our house before I’d got back from work that evening.
I stormed round to where I know this guy lives. His wife was as mad as me and told me he had admitted he and my wife had sex loads — in his car and in our bed. I am heartbroken.
DEIDRE SAYS: The thought of losing your wife is terrible but going on as you are is causing just as much hurt and with no end in sight.
Is she holding you in reserve in case things do not work out with her new man?
Tell your wife you cannot go on like this because being on this emotional rollercoaster is more than you can cope with.
If your marriage is over, she should let you be free to move on.
If she wants to stay with you, she has to make a real effort with your relationship and convince you she has broken things off with her lover.
My e-leaflet Cheating – Can You Get Over It? can help.
TOPIC FOR TODAY
CHEATING celebs go into expensive clinics for help to deal with their “sex addiction”.
But if simple willpower isn’t enough to curb your urges, what happens then?
My e-leaflet Addicted To Sex? explains what real addiction is and the help available.
For your copy email [email protected].
Ex's girl wants to be stepmum
Dear Deidre
MY ex’s new girlfriend wants my son to call her his stepmum but she has only been with my ex six weeks and I think it is far too soon.
My son is four and visits his father alternate weekends. I am 28, my ex is 29.
Since my ex got this girlfriend, who is 22, he never spends time alone with our son.
My son has started calling the new girlfriend his stepmum.
I asked him who told him to do this and he said my ex’s girlfriend did.
I talked to my ex about it and he says I am lying.
I have told him that if my son calls his girlfriend his stepmum once again, I shall stop him going there.
He says he will take me to court if I do.
DEIDRE SAYS: Be wary of escalating the conflict.
Six weeks is too soon but you are his mum – nothing can alter that.
If there are more problems, contact Family Lives (, 0808 800 2222).
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
She prefers her twin sister to me
Dear Deidre
I LOVE my fiancée but I always feel I come second to her twin sister.
We plan to get married next year but things are not good between us.
We fight over everything.
Then she spends hours on the phone to her sister rather than sort it out with me.
We are both 23 and have been dating for two years.
She has also gained a lot of weight.
I am not a jerk but I work with lots of beautiful girls and really notice the difference.
DEIDRE SAYS: Twins can be very close but tell her she is the girl you want to marry, not her sister.
Explain that you two need to sort out issues between the two of you if your marriage is going to work – or go ahead.
Gaining weight is not good for her health so suggest some exercise and plan healthy meals together.
But if things stay as they are, best call off the wedding.
RELATED STORIES
Fella only wants sex twice a day
Dear Deidre
I WANT to have sex at least ten times a day but my boyfriend says twice is enough.
It’s going to be a problem if we move in together.
We only see each other at weekends because we live nearly 200 miles apart.
He is 50 and I am 38.
The amount of sex we have is the only thing we disagree on.
DEIDRE SAYS: We all vary but ten times a day is going it some.
Good sex is about quality as much as quantity and putting pressure on him won’t work.
My e-leaflet Different Sex Drives will help.
New guy's house is a tip - I can't stand it
Dear Deidre
I HAVE met a really nice guy but he is a hoarder and his house is a tip.
He is very intense in his views and goes on about things.
He is 34 and told me he finished past relationships when the women judged him on how he chose to live.
I’m 35.
We had a couple of dates, then he invited me to his home. He said it was cluttered but that filled the space his ex had left.
“Cluttered” isn’t the word though.
His house is full of junk.
Every room is crammed with rubbish.
You can just about sit in the lounge but that’s all.
I said it was a health hazard and he agreed to de-clutter and clean but has done nothing.
I suggested that he needed help but he has done nothing about it.
I know I am powerless to tell him how he should live, but I really like him.
DEIDRE SAYS: Gently encouraging him to declutter is not the answer.
He needs to understand why he hoards stuff, otherwise he will only build up more clutter to replace what he gets rid of.
Suggest he talk to his doctor about cognitive behavioural therapy.
Otherwise I am afraid he is not going to change.
My e-leaflet Overcoming Obsessions can give you some insight.
Partner has sexy pics of ex on phone
Dear Deidre
I FOUND sexy pictures of my partner and his ex on his phone and I think he is still seeing her.
I know they are in touch but he says it is about selling their holiday flat.
We have been dating for 18 months. We are both 37.
He says the pictures are old and he keeps them as proof they were cohabiting in order to get his money.
DEIDRE SAYS: Photos of them together would not prove cohabiting.
Tell him you won’t tolerate cheating but focus on your life together.
My battle with booze
Dear Deidre
I KNOW I have a problem with alcohol and I’m struggling to stay off it, but I keep having relapses.
I’m 43.
I drank every day from the age of 16.
It was mostly a bottle of Scotch every day, if not more.
I then met a lovely lady six years ago and made her my wife.
She’s 45 and helped me cut down.
I now go for months at a time without alcohol.
But then I’ll feel tempted and tell myself I’ll “just have the one” and things spiral out of control again.
I try to hide it from my wife but she always knows as my personality changes.
We have big rows and I stop drinking for six months or so before starting again.
I never thought I would be like this as my dad was an alcoholic and I hated him for that.
I’ve tried Alcoholics Anonymous with no luck.
DEIDRE SAYS: We are much more likely to have problems with alcohol if our parents did, I’m afraid.
You are going to have to stop drinking completely or you will lose everything you value.
The AA approach doesn’t suit everyone.
Jason Vale takes a different approach in his self-hypnosis book, Kick The Drink . . . Easily!
My e-leaflet Got A Drink Problem? explains other sources of support.
Teenage trouble
Dear Deidre
I HAD unprotected sex and afterwards my boyfriend said he would not mind having a baby with me.
This morning he has gone cold on the idea.
He says it is up to me but we won’t be able to afford it.
I am 16, he is 18. I know he loves me and would never cheat on me, but I still worry when we are apart.
We both wanted to have sex last night and we did, even though we did not have a condom.
I want to have a child and I feel I am ready for it.
DEIDRE SAYS: You are both very young to be parents. It takes nearly 20 years’ hard work and having a baby puts a strain on any relationship, even a strong one.
You both need to be sure you’re ready.
It should not be too late for emergency contraception.
See your GP or ask at a pharmacy.
Don’t have unprotected sex in future unless you know beforehand that you are ready to start a family and can provide for one.
We have been together for three months but she still has not told her family about me
Dear Deidre
I AM an English boy dating a Ghanaian girl. We have been together for three months but she still has not told her family about me.
Her parents are very traditional and want her to marry a Ghanaian boy. They have said they would never give their blessing to anything else.
I am 19, she is 17.
We bumped into her mother and aunt in town recently when we were with her brothers.
We were holding hands but she jumped away when she saw them.
She says she is planning to tell her family soon but has to wait for the right time.
She says she loves me and will never leave me, but I am still worried.
DEIDRE SAYS: It can be hard to go against family expectations, especially if she comes from a culture where parents expect to organise children’s lives.
Tell your girlfriend you understand it is difficult but being dishonest is not the way to handle this.
Perhaps her brothers would help her tell her parents about you.
Ask her too if there is a faith or community leader who could help her parents be more open-minded.
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