Discovering my girlfriend worked as an escort has left me racked with jealousy
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
MY girlfriend worked as an escort.
I used to think I was the luckiest guy alive – but now I am eaten up with jealousy.
My girlfriend was a student when we met in a club one night.
I am 27 and she is 22.
She is an amazing-looking girl and we soon got very close.
I was shocked when she first told me she was working as an escort to make ends meet.
I know other guys would envy me but really I wanted her to myself.
I was married though and had a mortgage so couldn’t afford to help her out financially.
My then-wife saw some texts I’d sent to my lover and went mental.
She went for me and scratched my face.
I told her our marriage was over and left.
My lover offered to meet me to check I was OK.
We met up in my car, she kissed me and one thing led to another.
She ended up pleasuring me there and then.
It felt amazing.
I was bowled over by her and we started living together.
She told me that she couldn’t give up escorting straight away as she had bills to sort out.
I said that I wouldn’t be bothered as long as her work didn’t get in the way of us — but I lied.
It did bother me and kept on bothering me.
The bills were paid but the escorting didn’t stop.
More bills came in and I began to get jealous.
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In bed she started sleeptalking about what she had done with other men.
It hurt me to watch her seemingly dreaming about what she’d done with them.
I knew how much she had to fake liking it.
It broke my heart so much I punched through a window one night and got cuts all up my arm.
The more I saw what she was doing and the longer it went on, the more depressed I got.
My lover has now graduated, got a job and given up escorting, but I still can’t get over her past.
I have asked her to help me by doing sexual stuff together that creates new memories but every time I try she’s not in the mood.
DEIDRE SAYS: Selling herself in a sexual way may have muddled your girlfriend’s responses so it’s hard for her to equate having sex with love and affection now.
Tell her how unhappy you are – and it’s hard to imagine that she is truly happy either.
Suggest you get counselling help together to untangle the bad memories bothering both of you from the present you’re trying to build now.
You can find suitable help through the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists ( or call 020 8543 2707).
Dear Deidre
SEX with my girlfriend was perfect until our daughter arrived a year ago.
I am so frustrated as we can’t replicate our old times.
I had sex with my girlfriend almost every day after we got together five years ago.
It lasted an hour each time.
We used to do it all over the house.
We even had contests for longevity and fun but all that has changed.
I’m 25 and my girlfriend is 23.
I love our daughter but by the time she goes to sleep I’m very tired.
My girlfriend complains that I don’t last as long as I used to.
How can we get the old fun back?
DEIDRE SAYS: It is hard work looking after a new baby and it changes things.
Sex isn’t a marathon – it’s the quality that counts.
The more stressed you are about climaxing early and the less you have sex, the more it’s likely to happen.
My e-leaflet Want To Last Longer? explains self-help techniques to use together.
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
Dear Deidre
I DON’T love my husband. I dread him touching me and I hate having sex with him.
I do want sex but not with him, though I’ve never admitted that before.
I am 33 and my husband is 34.
We’ve been together for 14 years and have two children aged nine and seven.
I loved him at first but we just fell into a pattern.
Now I know I don’t have the love for him that I should.
I tried to tell him I wasn’t happy a year ago but I couldn’t go through with splitting up because of the effect it would have on everyone.
What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: There are boring patches in all marriages but you could find life without him very stressful.
Open up to your husband and tell him that you need to revive your marriage and get fresh interests.
Organise some outings separately and together, and try the ideas in my e-leaflet 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex.
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THREE out of four girls aged 11-21 have low self-esteem. That can lead them to under-achieve and put up with poor treatment in relationships.
My e-leaflet Raising Self-Esteem can help you begin to realise your self-worth. For a copy, email the address below.
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I'm 10 years older than he believes
Dear Deidre
I THOUGHT it would be so simple to tell my fiance my real age but I don’t know how to break it to him.
We met on a dating site.
I said I was 27 when in fact I was a decade older.
I’m 39 now and my fiance is 37.
We have been together for two years and I really want children now.
My biological clock is ticking.
I worry my longing for a baby so soon will put my fiance off, maybe more than the lie about my age.
He thinks I am 29 now even though I have never actually said the words “I am 29” to him, but he has referred to it many times and I went along with it, cringing inside.
I’m worried sick.
You know you have to tell him but I can imagine how hard it is to seize the moment and admit face-to-face, “By the way, I’ve lied to you about my age for two years”.
DEIDRE SAYS: Write a letter telling him you love him and explaining why you felt driven to lie in the first place.
Be honest about your wanting children now.
He wants to marry you so his feelings go deep but he may need time to get over the deception.
His porn habit is tearing us apart
Dear Deidre
MY husband blew up at me and smashed his mobile phone when I questioned him about a girl who has been following him on Facebook.
He told me he had closed his account a year ago after I discovered he was friends with porn models.
He was sexting them.
I think he fell in love with one, as I found photos of her on his phone.
I suspect he slept with a woman too but have no proof.
He looks at porn late at night when he thinks I am sleeping.
I gave him another chance but now I feel stupid.
My husband swears he loves me but I just see a man who wants lots of different women.
I’m 43 and he is 45.
We have been married for 20 years and he has threatened to kill himself if we break up.
DEIDRE SAYS: Porn and sexting can be addictive.
Your husband’s suicide threats are a way of trying to control you but tell him you are not responsible for what he does.
Say your marriage only stands a chance if he gets expert help to change.
My e-leaflet Internet Pornography Worries can help you both and suggest he tries the Kick Start Recovery Programme, a free, tested self-help solution at .
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