I fell out with my partner and into arms of his mate

Dear Deidre

I WAS so distressed when my partner walked out that his best mate came round to comfort me and we ended up in bed. 

That was the start of a three-month affair.

Now my ex wants to get back with me but has found out about my fling.

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I am 22, my ex is 24, and we have a beautiful little girl of two.

We had been together three years.

We were always happy until a few months ago when we started arguing over money.

After one mega row he packed his bag, walked out and went to stay with his sister.

He told his mate what had happened, so this guy came round to make sure I was OK.

He’s 24 and I had always found him ­attractive.

He held me because I was crying, and ­suddenly we were kissing.

It ended up with us having amazing, tender sex.

He started texting every day and we managed to sneak times to see one another.

We kept our affair secret from my ex as they still go out ­drinking together.

Then out of the blue two weeks ago my lover said he was ending it before he fell in love with me because he wanted to be single.

I was very hurt and have been very low but my ex called last weekend and said he was coming over.

We got on really well and he said he missed me.

He stayed over, we made love and had a wonderful night.

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The next morning he looked at my phone and saw the texts from his mate, which caused an almighty row. He actually cried.

He said he cannot get over me sleeping with his mate.

I have feelings for both men but his mate has moved on fast.

He’s got a new girlfriend, which hurts as he said he wanted to be single.

I am so confused.

I don’t know whether me and my ex can make it work if we try hard.

I know he cares deeply about me and think I can win him round.

Our little girl is just happy to have her dad back in her life but I feel I have made a mess of everything.

DEIDRE SAYS: I am afraid it was always likely to get messy.

If there is one comfort it is that you have had a lucky escape from a man who is clearly an opportunistic user.

Tell your ex his mate got you when you were vulnerable.

Emphasise that it’s best for your daughter if you can make a go of it, and if you were happy once, you can likely be again.

My e-leaflet Cheating – Can You Get Over It? can help.

Dear Deidre

I HAVE been told I have a low sperm count and am devastated.

But my fiancée seems to be more blaming than supporting.

I am 26 and was told a year ago.

My 25-year-old partner has had her fertility tested too and she is OK.

But all she does is cry and tell me how unfair it is and how badly she wants a child.

I try to talk to her but it is really getting to me and I don’t know how much longer I can cope.

She says I don’t understand and get the wrong end of the stick.

I have this guilty feeling all the time that it is my fault.

How do I get through to her that she is making it all a hundred times worse?

I don’t know what to do when she’s in floods of tears.

DEIDRE SAYS: You are both actually asking the same thing of one another – that you understand how the other feels.

But you are both struggling with your own feelings.

Give your fiancée a cuddle when she feels low and give her the space to express her sadness.

Ask that in return she understands how you feel and offers you comfort.

There are still plenty of ways you can try for children.

Find out more from the Fertility Network (, 01424 732361).

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Dear Deidre

I AM ready to take the next step in my relationship and sell up to move in with my partner, but my adult son who still lives with me wants to stay put.

I am 45 and been with my partner two years.

He’s 48 and everything is going ­brilliantly.

He lives an hour away and his business means he must stay in his area.

My job is flexible, so I could move in with him and there is room for my 22-year-old son too.

But my son wants to stay put for his job, his mates and girlfriend.

I understand this.

He has a good job and he’s saving up to buy their own place but it’s going to be at least another two years.

When I divorced his dad we had a few tough years and I still feel guilty.

My partner ­supports whatever I decide.
I go round and round but cannot see a solution.

DEIDRE SAYS: Feeling guilty about the past is getting in the way of a workable solution.

You deserve to be happy too.

Your son is an adult now.

Tell him you are moving in with your partner in the spring.

Have a round table and think flexibly.

Is it possible that he stays put but takes in a lodger or two to cover costs, for example?

Let him decide which option to go for, but don’t sacrifice your own future.

Your lad will move on soon.

Teenage troubles

Dear Deidre

I AM thinking of signing up to a webcam site for the thrill and to have some extra money coming in.

I am a girl of 19 and am studying law at uni.

I am having a good time but I am always broke and some months struggle to pay my rent and eat healthy food.

My workload is enormous and I haven’t the time to make a relationship work.

I miss the sexual side of having a boyfriend so I thought getting on to a webcam site would be a good idea and could earn me extra cash.

But I am wary of all the scams you hear about.

DEIDRE SAYS: Getting on to dubious webcam sites could bring unpleasant hassles and distractions from your studies.

It is a risky business with unscrupulous people out to exploit you.

Selling sexual contact, even online, can damage your emotional and sexual responses too.

You can find advice on your finances through the National Union of Students ().

Dear Deidre

MY girlfriend and I are on a few days’ break but I’m not missing speaking to her at all.

I am even OK with the thought of never speaking to her again. I feel relieved.

I have been with her for seven months.

I am a boy of 17, she is 18, and we have been happy and very much in love.

We argue like any couple but usually talk about it and make up later.

During a recent row I decided I’d had enough.

Now I feel uncertain about my feelings.
I care for her and do not want to hurt her but I cannot string her along if I am unsure of my feelings.

But what if my feelings are temporary and I come to regret it?

DEIDRE SAYS:  It’s usual to outgrow romances begun in your teens.

You may still like your girlfriend but that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s the one for you.

Take a week or two to let your feelings settle and tell your girlfriend you need space.

If you still feel relieved to be out of it, be honest with her.

Make it a clean break, at least for now, to help her move on.

You may be able to be friends in time but you need a total separation, at least at first.

Boyfriend likes Tinder flirting

Dear Deidre

WHENEVER my boyfriend feels really low about himself he goes on apps like Tinder or on one-night benders chatting up girls.

He’s 22, I’m 21 and we have been together eight months.

He tells me the attention he gets makes him feel better.

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Now he says our sex life has become boring and that is partly why he has sexual chats with other girls.
How can I make things better between us?

DEIDRE SAYS:  This is about him and not your fault.

For starters, the way to add excitement to your sex life is for him to put some effort into being a more thrilling lover, not chat up other girls.

Tell him he has to stop if he wants you to stay.

He may also have a sex addiction so urge him to seek help through Sex Addicts Anonymous (, 07599 917686).

Dear Deidre

I FIND it difficult to express my feelings with girls. I am 21.

My one girlfriend was a friend from school who asked me out.

We dated for six months but she complained I never told her how I felt about her.

Now I am terrified of asking another girl out.

DEIDRE SAYS:  Chances are you come from a background where people don’t openly show affection.

For now focus on making friends with girls.

Also find counselling support through The Mix (themix.org.uk, 0808 808 4994).

Phone snoop has me worried

Dear Deidre

I CHECKED my fiancée’s phone at the weekend, and found texts from a colleague asking her out and now wish I’d never looked.

We are both 25 and have been together for more than two years.

This guy is 20 years older.

One text asked if she had deleted the messages yet and another text said co-workers were whispering about them.

She did not reply to the offer of a date and said that she would delete the other texts, but I don’t know what to think – there is no smoke without fire.

DEIDRE SAYS: The chances are you checked her phone because something isn’t quite right between you.

With the added doubts you now have, it is time to talk to her about whatever is on your mind.

Keep it to being about the two of you rather than anyone else.

Hear how she feels and find out if she sees you being a couple long term.

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Got a problem?  Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the  Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).