I’m in loved-up bliss over amazing secret sex with my mate’s hot mum – but how can I tell him the truth?
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
I AM having the best sex of my life with my mate’s mum. We have fallen for each other and want to tell him and my mother because they are friends.
I’m 25 and my mate’s mum is 43 and divorced.
I was out with some friends one night and we’d had loads to drink. To be honest, we weren’t really in control of our actions. I’d just had my 25th birthday so I was still in a celebratory mood.
Towards the end of the night I spotted my mate’s mum. She looked amazingly sexy.
Being drunk, I got confident and asked if I could walk her home. To my surprise, she agreed.
She’s always had a soft spot for me — I used to spend a lot of time at her house as a kid.
We got talking about stuff then the conversation turned to sex and she said she really liked me.
I took that as an invite and started kissing her. She then said we ought to be more discreet and took me back to her house. She said my mate, who’s 24, was staying over at his girlfriend’s so we wouldn’t be disturbed.
We went straight upstairs to her bedroom where I had the best sex of my life.
I’ve been sneaking round to my mate’s house to have sex with her for the past three months when she gives me the all-clear that he isn’t there.
We’re really in love and I’ve told her the age difference isn’t a factor, even though she’s the same age as my mum.
She has the most amazing smile and when I’m with her I feel complete. I’m sure she’s “the one” but we’re worried what people — especially my mate and my mum — will think. We’ve even thought about emigrating for a fresh start.
How do I tell my mate I’ve fallen for his mum?
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s tricky because it is hard to know how long this relationship is going to last. You’re in love at the minute but sneaky sex is very different from sharing your lives.
A big age gap isn’t always a problem but it throws in some big questions and challenges. This may feel right now but it may not in a couple of years – especially if you’ve lost your mate and maybe other friends as well.
They may not feel comfortable around a woman their mother’s age. Your mum will likely disapprove too.
Just for now, at least, take a step back. Tell your lover you’re going to take a three-month break from the relationship so you can both check just how strong and lasting your feelings really are.
If you’re sure you really love one another after that, then you must be honest with your friend and your mum and hope they can cope. Meanwhile my e-leaflet Age Gaps – Do They Matter? will help you think this through.
Topic 4 Today
MANY people with emotional or relationship problems find the idea of counselling scary.
Yet two out of three who had counselling with Relate are glad they did.
How to get help is explained in my e-leaflet How Counselling Helps.
Email me at [email protected].
I told my boss I'm in love with him
Dear Deidre
I FEAR I have made a fool of myself by telling my manager I am in love with him. Now he has blocked me on his phone and is blanking me at work.
My marriage has never been happy but my husband had a stroke three years ago and I don’t see how I can leave him now. He has a carer while I am at work.
I’m 42 and my husband is 44. My manager is about the same age as me. He was really kind when he heard about my husband and showed me a lot of understanding.
I eventually plucked up the courage to tell him how much I like him, but he was furious. Now he’s ignoring me.
DEIDRE SAYS: His anger probably stems from his anxiety about how it would look to your employers. It could be thought he was taking advantage of your vulnerability.
And you are vulnerable. You’re holding down a job, have an unhappy marriage and a dependent husband.
You understandably feel trapped. But your manager isn’t the person to give you the support you need.
Confide in friends and contact the Stroke Association (stroke.org.uk, 0303 3033 100).
BECOME A FORCES PENPAL: My service has helped cheer up our lads for years - especially those serving overseas. Find out how to join in here.
Confused after his sex slave message
Dear Deidre
I AM attracted to my mate after I saw a message on his phone from another guy. It read: “Do you want me to be your sex slave tomorrow?”
He was in the shower when I called for him the other day and his phone pinged in the living room. I was shocked – my mate is a typical bloke who’s had lots of girlfriends. I don’t know why he hasn’t told me. I’m not homophobic.
I decided not to ask him about it but I’m thinking about him all the time and imagining what I want to do with him. I’m 26 and he is 29.
I don’t know whether to tell him what I saw or ask him outright if he’s gay or bisexual. I don’t want to risk losing his friendship but I don’t know how much longer I can keep these feelings to myself.
DEIDRE SAYS: You can’t be sure that the message was genuine. Bring up bisexuality in a conversation and see what your friend says.
What’s more of a priority – having him as a friend or exploring whether you could change that relationship into a sexual one?
Either way, it has thrown up doubts for you. You can talk it through with Switchboard LGBT (switch board.lgbt, 0300 330 0630).
Pressure to perform puts off my partner
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend complained that I pressure him for sex and now I feel so guilty.
I’m 34 and he is 51. We have been together for eight months. We don’t live together so we have sex each time we see one another.
The sex is great. I’m extremely physically attracted to him but I initiate sex more than he does.
He’s older and jokes that he can’t keep up. I can live with different sex drives. I know he’s attracted to me so I’m not worried. Should I wait for him to make a move? What do I do to take the pressure off him?
DEIDRE SAYS: That jokey comment has a ring of truth about it. He can’t keep up and feels threatened by your sexual demands.
Find a good time to talk about it – some time when you’re not in bed. A good starting point is being loving and tactile without making any sexual demands.
My e-leaflet on Different Sex Drives will help.
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Can't beat the blues after wife's death
Dear Deidre
I’M so lonely since my wife died almost a year ago. We did everything together and didn’t need other people.
I am 62. We were married for nearly 38 years. But my wife had a brain haemorrhage and died suddenly.
I work part-time from home so don’t really see anyone during the day. I play snooker at a local club a couple of nights a week but go home to an empty house.
I get support from my sons and their partners, who are wonderful, but they have their own lives and I don’t want to be a burden to them. I feel very lonely.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is just devastating to lose your life partner, especially when the blow comes so suddenly.
Work on widening your social life. Look for clubs you could join (see meetup.com) and try voluntary work.
No substitute, of course, but many find it helps to have a pet to greet you when you get home too.
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
