Wife has lost her sex drive and wants me to have children with another woman… but now I’ve met someone else and feel confused
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
I’VE been having wild sex with another woman to make up for my fat wife’s lack of sex drive.
In the eyes of the law it isn’t a problem because I’m Muslim and I can have up to four wives, but deep down I don’t want to be a shared man.
I’m 28 and got married three years ago. My wife and I didn’t know each other beforehand as it was an arranged marriage.
She’s 27 and I do love her. She was a curvy girl when we were introduced but she dieted before our wedding and looked lovely.
She liked me and sex wasn’t a problem once we were married. She would have sex whenever I asked her and even initiated it.
In the two years since then, however, she’s piled on weight and has gone off sex. We started trying for a baby straight away but she’s been told that her weight will affect her ability to conceive.
She says: “Go and find a thin woman to give you children.”
But this isn’t what I want.
Recently I met a friend of my cousin’s, a beautiful woman of 35. She’s getting a divorce as her husband doesn’t love her and she wants a physical relationship.
We’ve been texting and met up a month ago when she invited me to her house.
She came downstairs in a see-through nightdress. It was clear what she wanted. She looked irresistible so we got straight to it.
She’s an incredible, liberated woman and loves sex with me. We have feelings for each other and she says she wants to marry me.
But I don’t think my wife really wants me to choose another wife, although I could easily marry again abroad. Should I go ahead when my lover is free, or just stay married to my wife, as I do love her, and hope she can give me children eventually?
DEIDRE SAYS: If you want a second wife, you don’t need my permission – but it is against the law in the UK and the fact you’ve written to me shows you’d rather stay faithful.
End your relationship with your lover, explaining that you’ve made a big mistake and you want to focus on your marriage.
Tell your wife that finding another woman is not what you want because you love her – but you’re worried for her health.
Becoming overweight has caused her to lose confidence. Say you know she wants children too and you’d like to help her try to lose weight.
Eating healthily (not going hungry) and taking up exercise together, whether it’s via a sport or simply walking, can help with weight-loss and reconnect you as a couple.
Make an appointment to see your doctor together and ask for a referral to get some specialist fertility advice.
My e-leaflets How To Be Your Happy Weight and Want To Have A Baby? will help too.
My boyfriend hasn't told his parents about me because I'm black
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend’s parents don’t know I exist because he can’t face telling them I’m black.
He’s white and we met at university. It didn’t matter at first because he hardly went home but three years later, they still don’t know about me.
He just says, “Let’s cross that bridge when we come to it”, because he thinks they’ll disown him.
They’re very strict and don’t know he goes to parties or drinks. They’re regular churchgoers too.
We’re both 25 but I’m worried that if he continues to hide me, we’ll end up splitting up and I’ll be left with nobody.
DEIDRE SAYS: No one is keen to be someone’s guilty secret. Tell your boyfriend you want to meet his parents properly, even if he just introduces you as a friend.
Once you have met them, you can build on that until they realise you’re a couple.
If your boyfriend won’t agree, move on to someone who will be proud to have you as his girlfriend.
RELATED STORIES
Fed up of fella's troubled mother
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend’s mother is constantly sending abusive texts. I’ve had enough of it.
She’s an alcoholic and has mental health problems.
She’s 45 and she was abused as a child. My boyfriend’s dad left her when he was little and my boyfriend ended up being her carer in his teens.
We are both 25 now and we’ve tried to be kind, but she has been so abusive on the phone and via text. It’s so upsetting for my boyfriend.
He says she is now dead to him but I know that as soon as she phones and needs something, he’ll go running.
I feel like she uses him. Is there anything I can do to ease the situation?
DEIDRE SAYS: For him to say he doesn’t want to see his mum any longer is unrealistic. He loves her, so naturally cares.
Instead, draw up a plan together of how much support you’re going to give, when you’re prepared to visit her and when you’re not. Insist you’ll ignore her abusive messages – don’t open them – and tell his mum what she can expect.
Al-Anon help the families of those with an alcohol problem (, 020 7403 0888).
TOPIC FOR TODAY
Nearly half of men worry they are too small sexually but 85 per cent of women are happy with their partner’s size.
It’s skill not inches that makes a good lover but many men take some convincing.
My e-leaflet Manhood Too Small? should reassure them. Email me for a copy.
I love women’s clothes and dress up when my girlfriend’s not here
Dear Deidre
I’M a bisexual man and with a girl but would love a threesome with another guy.
I’m 35 and my girlfriend is 37. I love women’s clothes and dress up when she’s not here. She doesn’t know.
I bought some small fake boobs the other day and my girlfriend thought it was just a joke but I wanted to see her reaction to my alter-ego.
I long to tell her the truth and want to ask if she’s willing to go to bed with me and another man but I don’t know how to broach the subject.
DEIDRE SAYS: She may well wonder whether you love her or get more turned on by dressing up and the idea of a man in your bed. What would be the answer?
Before risking your relationship, find support to talk it over through the Beaumont Society (01582 412220, ).
My e-leaflets Cross Dressing Worries and Bisexual Issues will help too.
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
Haunted by work pal's hit and run
Dear Deidre
MY colleague was responsible for a hit and run while I was with her in the car.
It happened ten years ago. I was 22 and had just started working for the company as a graduate.
I’m a man of 32 now and it still gives me nightmares.
We were in Holland at a trade fair and went out with some clients one evening. My colleague drank almost a bottle of wine.
I asked her whether she should be driving our hire car but she said she was fine.
We were driving down a dark road when somebody stepped in front of the car. There was a thud, but my colleague wouldn’t stop.
She said it would be up to the police to find her and they would decide who was driving. I was terrified.
I always wonder if she killed someone. I wish I’d reported her to the police.
DEIDRE SAYS: What a terrible experience. You’re understandably suffering from post-traumatic stress.
Reporting it even now may relieve a family of a lot of unanswered questions and will help you feel better.
Talking2Minds helps those suffering PTSD (07917 126708, talking).
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