My illicit salesman lover has suddenly dropped me with no explanation… I feel lost and alone
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
I HAVE been having fantastic sex with a great man but he has suddenly ended things without any explanation.
I have spent most of today in tears.
My husband noticed but never once asked: “What’s up?”
I am 38 and have been married for 14 years.
My husband is a good man but we no longer have anything in common.
We’ve not had sex for years and I no longer love him. He is 43.
We never have any conversations except, “What’s for tea?” and even watch TV in different rooms.
Just over a year ago, a lovely guy came to work as a salesman in the furniture store where I am in the back office.
He is 35 and married, but easy to talk to.
He noticed I was down in the dumps and asked why.
I told him all my troubles — that I was distanced from my husband who did not seem to care, that I felt fat and unattractive and that my dad died recently.
It was wonderful to feel desired again
We took to having a drink together after work. He encouraged me to get fit and lose weight, which I did.
I felt and looked so much better but my husband never noticed or said anything to me.
My colleague did, though, and one thing led to another.
His friend has a flat which is hardly ever used because he works abroad. We started going there and taking a bottle of wine with us.
It was more private than the pub so there was less chance of gossip if someone saw us.
On my second visit we kissed and then went to the bedroom.
It was wonderful to feel desired again.
It did wonders for my self-esteem to know that a man could still want me in that way.
Now he has suddenly dropped out of my life and I am devastated.
He’s not answering any of my calls or texts and I spend most of the time in tears.
I am lost and unhappy.
DEIDRE SAYS: What is the betting his wife found out and gave him an ultimatum – her or you?
I doubt he was ever intending to have a full relationship, only secret sex.
If he was still with his wife, it was always on the cards he would simply disappear from your life one day.
The positive side is that you now feel you are a different person and you can do something about your life.
Don’t settle for the sad relationship you have been living in.
Talk to your husband. I bet you he’s noticed more than he’s let on but hasn’t dared risk confrontation.
Say either there are big changes in the way you two live together or you want a divorce so that you can look for someone who really values you.
If it comes to that, my e-leaflet Thinking of Divorce? will help, and Cruse Bereavement Care will help you over losing your dad (, 0808 808 1677).
TOPIC FOR TODAY
THREE out of five couples are less than satisfied with their sexual relationship and often it is down to laziness rather than any specific problems.
My e-leaflet How To Have Great Sex will give you a sexual MOT.
For a copy email me at [email protected].
Baby's on way and I'm back on booze
Dear Deidre
I THOUGHT I had finally turned my life around by giving up heavy drinking and finding a lovely girlfriend.
Then, just three months into our relationship, she got pregnant.
We had agreed she would take the Pill.
A pregnancy was not something I wanted at 34 as I already have a son of seven by my ex, but I didn’t have the heart to suggest an abortion.
My partner, who is 25, and her five-year-old son have moved in with me but it is no fairytale.
She has a lot of emotional baggage and her son is a difficult child.
We are having explosive rows.
Meanwhile, my ex is encouraging my own son to look on her new man as his dad and I am sidelined.
I am turning to the bottle again for comfort.
DEIDRE SAYS: Alcohol is just going to add to your problems.
You cut back once, so you can do it again.
You owe it to your new baby to save your relationship.
Count to ten and walk away from rows, and find help at Relate (relate.org.uk, 0300 100 1234).
Family Lives can help with issues about you feeling cut out of your son’s life (, 0808 800 2222).
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
Keen to report abusive ex-hubby
Dear Deidre
I STAYED in an awful marriage for 17 years, being raped, half-strangled and suffering a broken arm and many black eyes in front of our small daughters.
My father was a controlling bully too, so when I married as a teenager I never knew men could be any different. Violence was normal to me.
I am 40 now.
I eventually divorced my husband and worked through my issues but I still feel angry when I find my ex is going to family weddings.
I wonder how much to tell my teenage daughters and the family.
I have regained my confidence and have a lovely new man in my life.
He would like me to go to the police and bring charges.
DEIDRE SAYS: Repeat to your daughters they should find kind partners and that you divorced their father because of his controlling, abusive ways.
He is still their father though and, if he treats them decently, they may want to keep up a relation-ship with him, painful though that is for you.
Talk to the National Domestic Violence Helpline about whether to go to the police now (0808 2000 247) or see .
RELATED STORIES
I'm being ignored by my partner
Dear Deidre
I GET annoyed with my fiancée because she often takes an hour or more to respond to my messages.
I have told her I am not happy with this but she then defends herself by saying she does not have the phone with her all the time (though I know she does), or she says her battery is low.
I am 35, she is 32 and we are currently living on different continents.
We will not see each other again for several months and now she has unfriended me on Facebook.
I am at a loss.
DEIDRE SAYS: If you have both been otherwise happy together, she is probably fed up with you trying to keep tabs on her every move.
Tell her you’re sorry if you are being possessive.
Settle for Skype/FaceTime chats in the morning and evening and let her get on with her life between times.
You must learn to trust her if your love is going to stay the distance.
Boyfriend's sis is making me depressed
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend’s sister comes round several times a week and moans about everything.
She’s getting me down.
I am 29 and she is 33.
By the time she leaves, I am totally exhausted.
I feel guilty for thinking this way because I know she is lonely – but we just sit here with nothing to talk about.
I get panic attacks and suffer from depression.
I am trying hard to use meditation and be positive in order to get better, but she drags me down.
My partner doesn’t see there’s a problem.
DEIDRE SAYS: You must get out more.
Try voluntary work or go for a walk or swim.
Exercise helps lift mood and then you can tell her you’ve got to start arranging specific times when she can come round.
Make that twice a week at most, and when your partner is there.
She’s his sister, after all.
My e-leaflet on Coping With Panic Attacks will help you push your boundaries.
BECOME A FORCES PENPAL: My service has helped cheer up our lads for years - especially those serving overseas. Find out how to join in here.