How can I encourage my husband to forget my flings and move on with our lives?
I had sex with a man I met at bingo, but I love my husband and am desperate to put my affair behind us
Dear Deidre
I CHEATED on my husband with a hot young man I met at bingo.
He is young enough to be my son and it was so exciting.
I am 44 and have been married for 23 years. We have a 22-year-old daughter together.
My husband is 46 and I have never stopped loving him — but I guess we take each other for granted these days.
I started going regularly to bingo — to get out of the house as much as anything. I made friends there and became obsessed a bit with it, going four times in the week and on Saturdays.
The bingo club got a new barman last month. He is in his twenties and I chatted and flirted with him.
I got to my car one evening after bingo and realised I had left my gloves behind.
I went back into the club to get them and the barman said he would walk me to my car, as it was late and very dark.
We stopped by my car and before I knew it, we were kissing.
One thing led to another and we had sex in the back of the car. It was great but I regretted it instantly.
Afterwards, I felt so guilty that I confessed the fling to my husband.
I told him he’d not been giving me any attention and he said I was never there for him to do it. I realised he was right.
This was not the first time I have cheated.
My husband worked away for six months two years ago and I was very lonely when an old flame contacted me on Facebook.
We met up and spent the night together. It felt special at the time but my lover soon lost interest.
I was OK about it but my husband found the messages and guessed what I had done.
He was devastated but we eventually moved on.
I begged forgiveness and swore never to hurt him again.
I don’t want to talk about it and want to put it behind us now, but my husband says I am trying to sweep it under the carpet.
DEIDRE SAYS: You have to let your husband express the pain and hurt he feels before there is any chance of moving on.
It may be hard for you but only then can you start to rebuild your marriage.
My e-leaflet Cheating – Can You Forgive & Forget? will help.
You say he was not giving you attention but yours was going on bingo and on the young barman.
Best stop the bingo, of course, but also find something the two of you can enjoy together.
Get out as a couple but also have date nights at home and try giving one another relaxing and sensuous all-over massages.
This is great for getting you back in touch – literally – with one another.
My e-leaflet Massage For Couples explains further.
related stories
I'm unhappy with life but not suicidal
Dear Deidre
GO to work, come home, have something to eat, watch TV, then go to bed. It is the same the next day and I often ask myself what is the point of living.
I am married – my wife is 32 and I am 35. We are all right financially but I keep asking myself what the reason is for life.
I earn enough to pay the bills but not enough to buy the things I would really like. Presumably this will go on for another 30 to 40 years.
Then I will have an uncertain quality of life when I finally retire.
I worry about death and what comes afterwards.
I sometimes wish my life would finish but I am not suicidal, so I would not consider what I’m feeling is depression. It is more an apathy about living.
I am reluctant to talk to my wife about it, as I know she would be upset.
DEIDRE SAYS: Of course she would – and I am very worried for you.
What you are feeling is certainly heading for clinical depression and it is vital that you talk to your doctor.
My e-leaflet Dealing With Depression explains self-help to use alongside whatever treatment your doctor suggests.
I want nothing to do with my liar mum
Dear Deidre
MY mother saw my boyfriend’s mum in town and ran up to her shouting and screaming. She is a complete nightmare.
I am 18 and at college. All my mum does is lie to everyone, especially my dad.
She has cheated on him loads of times and told me about it, but made me swear to keep it secret.
That kills me because I love my dad to bits. I only kept quiet because I thought it would stop my mum controlling me but it just made things worse.
Everything I do is wrong in her eyes. She’s on at me all the time.
I want nothing to do with her and my boyfriend’s mum said I could move in with them. I’m living with them now though I feel bad for leaving my dad.
I can hardly afford to pay anything for my keep and my mum is calling out my boyfriend’s mother every chance she gets.
DEIDRE SAYS: Sadly, it does sound as though you are best off away from your parents’ home. See your dad regularly but try not to let your mum get to you.
If you are unable to pay for your keep, talk to the student welfare officer at college.
TOPIC FOR THE DAY
ALMOST all of us have sexual fantasies but men and women often mean different things by it. Men want to act theirs out while women tend to use their imagination to rev up their own responses. My Sex Fantasies e-leaflet can help. Email [email protected] for your copy.
We've only been together a week and I think he's cheating
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend spent a whole evening persuading me to be his girlfriend. He promised he would be loyal.
He admitted he had been a cheat in the past but swore he had grown up. I’m not sure.
He is loving when we are together but ignores my texts and phone calls the whole day until nearly midnight, when I am about to go to sleep. I am worried he is cheating.
We are both 20. We have been together for a week and I feel that he just wants one thing – and once he gets that, he will leave.
I don’t really trust him but I want to give him a chance.
DEIDRE SAYS: You have been together for just a week but you worry already he is not thinking about you when you are apart.
He may not be cheating but he is not giving you what you need from a boyfriend.
Spell out to him what you want in a relationship and if he doesn’t make some swift changes, finish with him.
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
Online lover says I'm her soulmate then ignores me
Dear Deidre
I MET a woman on the internet and at first it was great – but now I feel she’s playing with my emotions.
I have been single for three years since my wife left me.
I am 43 and it felt great to meet this woman. We texted and chatted every day for a couple of months. She is 36 and came to stay for a week.
We had a brilliant time. She said I was her soulmate and that she was falling in love with me. But after she went home, she hardly contacted me. She says she misses me, then I hear nothing for days.
If I ask what she wants, she won’t give me an answer. It is so frustrating. I feel I am getting nowhere.
DEIDRE SAYS: Trust your instincts. She is backing away and you are getting nowhere. It is denting your confidence.
Recognise that you want different things.
While you hang on, you are missing out on finding the woman who wants what you do. It is time to call it a day.
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