My hubby has no idea his four-year-old daughter is actually my lover’s child

Dear Deidre

MY husband has no idea “our” four-year-old daughter is actually my lover’s child.

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I am 37 and my husband is 51. He constantly lies about where he is and has left me on several occasions.

He always finds money for the pub but not for me or for our children.

The older two are his, a girl of 11 and a boy aged nine.

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He never has time for any of the children and sees them as an inconvenience.

We’ve not had sex for more than a year and he no longer cares where I am or what I am doing so long as his meals appear on time.

I met my lover five years ago after I had gone back to work part-time in a car salesroom when our son started school.

Should I start a new life with my lover?

I worked on reception and he was on the sales team — and still is. He is 39 and divorced.

One morning at work he gave me a hug as I was upset about something my husband had said.

That led to a kiss and then to a full-blown affair. We try to be discreet at work but we manage one evening a week at my lover’s flat, when my husband is down the pub and I have organised a babysitter.

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That’s “our” time and that’s how I came to be pregnant with my youngest child.

I can see my lover’s face in hers but neither man has ever questioned that she’s not my husband’s child and I’ve never said anything.

My lover and I sometimes take the children out for the day. He has really bonded with them and we have so much fun together. I desperately want to leave my husband for him.

He says he’ll stand by me but I still feel insecure about leaving my husband. Should I start a new life with my lover?

Or should I stay put for the kids’ sake and just keep my lover for the passionate sex?

DEIDRE SAYS:  It doesn’t sound to me like you have much security with your husband. He’s left you before and could leave you again. What’s there to stay for?

Your lover says he will stand by you but you still feel unsure of his commitment to you. Isn’t it time that you told him the truth about being the dad of your youngest?

If he has doubts about taking on another man’s children, knowing that he’s the real dad of one could make all the difference to him.

Children instinctively know the emotional truth about relationships. It is not healthy for your children to live with a father who shows so little interest in them – or in you.

Be open with your lover. He deserves to know the truth and so will your daughter in time. My e-leaflet Thinking Of Divorce? gives sources of support.

Dear Deidre

I LONG to have my partner back as the man he used to be.

He has been having treatment for throat cancer. He has coped reasonably well and often thanks me for all my help and support.

I know this sounds selfish but rather than thanks, I want the man I shared my life with for the past 20 years.

He is 45, I am 44. I still love him but he is a different person. He relies on me.

I work full-time so cannot be with him during the day but I know I hold his life together.

Of course it is hard for him but I feel the loss so deeply.

DEIDRE SAYS:  It is hard to support your partner through this scary situation yet you can’t help but be conscious of what you have lost from your relationship.

You can’t wind back the clock but you can find support for all of the issues you have been struggling with from Macmillan Cancer Support (, 0808 808 0000).

Dear Deidre

I’VE had virtually no sex life since my daughter was born six months ago. I’m fed up.

Sex was great and used to be frequent before she was born. Now I am lucky if we have sex every two months.

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I help my wife at home with cooking, tidying up and getting my daughter ready for bed – but nothing works.

I’ve talked to my wife about bringing the spark back and it is OK for a week but then goes back to zero sex. She is 32, I am 34. I love her but must it be only as the mother of my gorgeous daughter? I want the physical closeness back.

DEIDRE SAYS:  Having a baby is a huge interruption to your sex life. You have another demanding person to consider and can feel stressed and exhausted.

Tell your wife you are worried about her lack of interest in sex. Suggest you both read my e-leaflet Sex Problems After A Baby.

Make sure she has time to relax by doing your share.

Got a problem?  Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the  Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).

Cheating ex hates me for ending it

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Dear Deidre

I POSTED a letter through my girlfriend’s door saying that I loved her but I had to let her go. Now she says I have ruined her life.

We have known each other for five years, after we were students together.

We lost contact after leaving college but met up again a year ago and all the old feelings returned.

One thing led to another and we started a relationship. She is 22 and I am 21.

But then she started staying out all night with another guy and I had to practically beg to see her.

It broke my heart but she refused to stop seeing him. That’s when I called it a day.

It is almost like she wants to be single but still have me in case she gets hurt.

DEIDRE SAYS:  You may well be right. She sounds to have been very manipulative. But posting a note through her door was not the best way to end it.

A face-to-face chat can feel more challenging but you could have been clear that the failure of your relationship was down to her lack of honesty and commitment.

You might have felt better to say that out loud too.

Dear Deidre

I HAVE just married my partner at a quiet, private ceremony. Now my parents are not speaking to me because I didn’t invite them.

I am a woman of 45 and have been with my partner for 12 years. He is 45 too.

I ought to be very happy that we are now man and wife but Mum is furious and my dad has not spoken to me.

After we bought a house together – to be nearer my parents – we decided to get married for legal reasons but we didn’t want to make a big deal of it.

The last time I upset my parents they did not speak to me for 15 years. I could not go through that again.

DEIDRE SAYS:  I am sorry you are worried. We all long for our parents’ approval but yours are bullying you.

They know you want their love and approval but are using that to control you.

Before you make any decisions – and risk making your new husband feel he is low on your list of priorities – talk over your relationships with a counsellor.

Find someone reputable through the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy (, 01455 883 300).

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