My girlfriend decided to end our relationship so we could become sex buddies
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
MY girlfriend and I had the most amazing night of sex but the next morning she said she wanted us to just be sex buddies. What now?
We have been together for six months. She is 21 and I am a guy of 22.
The whole time we were so close and the only rows we had were over her jealousy.
I was round at her place last Friday and we had a really romantic evening.
We watched a film cuddled up on the sofa after a takeaway and a bottle of wine.
When we went to bed she was all over me and we both had the best orgasms ever.
I was completely shocked by what she said the next morning.
By the time I got up she had even packed all my clothes in a bag and put them in the boot of my car.
I had no idea she was thinking of breaking up with me, not least because she always told me never even to talk about splitting up with her. She is a very jealous girl but not just in the usual way.
If I go to the gym she accuses me of meeting another girl. Then she will say she’s meeting a friend but actually go off and see her ex.
I got a message off a female colleague telling me about a change of shift hours and my girlfriend instantly deleted her as a friend off my Facebook. Yet she met a boy in a bar recently and now constantly messages him.
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She cannot see it when I have pointed out it’s one rule for her and another for me. Now the rules of the game are: no kissing or sex with another person and no affection between us in public.
We have been doing this for about a week but every time I go to hers she tells me she loves me, she misses me and will not stop kissing and cuddling me. We have not actually had a night apart.
I am so confused. I want us to be together. Am I better to play hard to get? I’m thinking of giving her an ultimatum and forcing her hand by saying, “If you want me, we have to be like we were.”
DEIDRE SAYS: Your girlfriend is certainly giving you mixed messages.
Her jealousy and insecurity make her try to stay in control and keep your relationship on her terms but it is all about her lack of self-confidence and little to do with what you are doing.
Of course you are not happy and feel frustrated by contradictions between what she says and how she behaves but you cannot fix this on your own.
Tell your girlfriend that either you both commit openly to a serious relationship or call it a day.
Stress that commitment isn’t about policing one another’s Facebook but about trust and affection.
My e-leaflet Dealing With Jealousy can help you both.
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ONE in five UK adults now has a tattoo but two in five regret it.
What seems cheeky as a singleton of 20 can feel embarrassing as a mum or dad of 40.
Remedies are explained in my e-leaflet Tattoo You Hate?
For a copy email me at [email protected].
I regret commenting on my girlfriend's weight
Dear Deidre
I made a stupid and shallow remark about my girlfriend’s weight and now our relationship is suffering big-time.
She had been going on about having gone up a dress size and I just said, “Yes, I had noticed.” I didn’t even mean it, so I have no idea why I said that. Just because she kept going on, I guess.
She went mad at me and accused me of not loving her. I keep saying she is beautiful and the only girl for me but she does not believe me. She is 19, I am 23. She is the love of my life.
I have apologised and told her I want to save our relationship but how?
DEIDRE SAYS: I am afraid so many women are floating on a sea of insecurity about their appearance. It doesn’t take much to rock their boat.
Tell her what it is you actually find beautiful about her – her eyes, her hair.
Show her how desirable you find her, too. Actions speak louder than words.
EVERY problem gets a free personal reply. Email [email protected], private message me on Facebook, or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
You can also follow me on Twitter @deardeidre.
Loss of husband's libido getting me down
Dear Deidre
I’ve been trying to spice things up in the bedroom but my husband always says he is too tired or not in the mood.
He is 32, I’m 28. We have been together for nine years and have a six-year-old son.
Our sex life was amazing in the early years but now we often go weeks or months without sex.
If I try to cuddle him he turns away from me.
I end up in tears so often and feel miserable and rejected. I do not see the point of sleeping in the same bed.
I told him I am going to move into the spare room but even that didn’t get a reaction.
DEIDRE SAYS: A man’s sex drive is a huge deal.
If he’s lost his mojo he will be scared of not being a proper man. Tell him you love and value him and ask if he has any underlying worries – sexual or generally.
Be his friend as well as his lover.
My e-leaflet on Reviving A Man’s Sex Drive will help you both.
Cheating husband making me sick
Dear Deidre
When I found out my husband had been cheating, my world crashed around my ears. The hurt and pain are destroying me.
He’s 43, I am 39 and we have been happily married for 17 years. We have one wonderful daughter of 12.
I found texts from another woman on his phone, confronted him and he admitted seeing her twice.
I rang her and she said they had been having an affair for months. He denied it but she showed me evidence of hotel stays. She works for the same company as my husband and me.
I chose to stay with him for our daughter’s sake but my confidence is zero and I am starting to get panic attacks.
DEIDRE SAYS: When you discovered he had been cheating you made sensible decisions with your head.
But your heart was broken and your anxiety and panic are the result.
Tell your husband you want your marriage to survive but you can’t sweep all the hurt and anger under the carpet.
He has to reassure you and woo you.
My e-leaflet Cheating – Can You Get Over It? explains how.
Should I tell wife I kissed old pal?
Dear Deidre
Recently, I got very drunk on a lads’ night out and kissed a girl I knew from school. I am racked with guilt.
Should I tell my wife or let sleeping dogs lie?
We have been married for ten years. She’s 29 and I am 30. I blacked out at some point that night and I cannot remember much.
I do remember chatting to this girl. I think I kissed her but she pulled back saying she was married, and I said, “Me too”. So it was OK.
I know none of my or her mates saw us. Even if they did, we have no mutual friends as far as I know and the chances of running into her again are slim.
Even so, I feel anxious. I keep checking Facebook and WhatsApp to see if there is anything that can link this back to me.
Should I try to find this girl and apologise?
DEIDRE SAYS: You are giving yourself a hard time in your panic. Telling your wife might ease your guilt but make her assume there was a whole lot more to it than a kiss.
Learn from this for the future not to drink beyond the level where you stay in control.
My e-leaflet Feeling Guilty? will help.
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