I caught my wife in our bed with her ex … but she blames me for their affair
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
I OPENED our front door to hear sex noises coming from upstairs. I went up and found my wife at it in our bed with an ex-boyfriend.
They got the shock of their lives. I threw him out and she started to make excuses, saying it was a one-off and that he would not take no for an answer.
I got a different story when I later confronted him. He said it was a full-blown affair and had been going on for months.
I had guessed something was going on. Sex with my wife had dwindled to almost nothing. When we first got together six years ago, we had sex several times a week.
I am 29, she is 27 and our daughter is three. Our relationship was fine until one evening she went out with friends and her ex was there.
She would never talk about him, though I heard they finished because she had cheated on him.
You can then decide if you still love one another enough to keep your family together.
If it’s hopeless, Relate can help you part the best way possible for your little girl’s sake.
My e-leaflet When Parents Fall Out will help you see her through this crisis.
SCARED COPS WILL HEAR OF CAR ROMP
Dear Deidre
RECENTLY, I got caught having oral sex with a much older woman. I am now feeling scared the guy who saw us will have reported me to the police.
I am 22 and I met this woman in the pub. She came on to me and asked if I wanted to go for a drive.
We drove to a local beauty spot and things got steamy.
I realised a guy who was walking his dog was looking in the car window. He made a comment and walked off.
It’s shaken me up. Do I never see her again, or stick to women my own age and be more careful about where I conduct my love-life?
DEIDRE SAYS: Her age isn’t an issue here. You were not deliberately on view or causing offence to members of the public.
Do you like this woman? If so why not see her again?
Sex is generally better with someone you care for and who cares for you.
But be more discreet about your location in future.
I CAN'T LEAVE MY GAMBLING HUBBY
Dear Deidre
MY husband’s gambling is out of control. I have threatened to leave him but he knows how much we love one another.
We have a poorly nine-year-old daughter who has ongoing hospital treatment and needs constant care. He blames her illness for his addiction.
I am 38 and my husband is 39. We have been married for 11 years but now he has started lying to me.
TOPIC OF THE DAY
SEXUAL happiness increases the more sex you have – but only up to a point.
More than once a week doesn’t make you happier – but less than once a week tends to make a couple unhappier.
If your sex life needs rescuing, my leaflet Saving Your Sex Life can help.
Email problems@deardeidre.org.
CONTACT DEIDRE
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
You should not be so reliant on alcohol if you are at peace with yourself.
I knew sex with her would be illegal, so it never went any further
Dear Deidre
WHEN I was 15, I got very close to a girl who was then 12. I’d never considered myself attractive but she starting kissing me one night in a friend’s car.
I was blown away that she was actually coming on to me.
I visited her often and we would hug and kiss in her bedroom.
I knew sex with her would be illegal, so it never went any further.
I said we should wait until I finish university, as we were both so young. She was very hurt but accepted it and we both moved on.
She kept telling me she loved me, though.
She is now 14 and I am 17. I have fancied other females but every time I think about asking them out, I feel guilty about this girl.
I know she still loves me.
DEIDRE SAYS: Do you still love her? If not, don’t isolate yourself from other relationships.
It’s better she realises you have moved on so she can, too, not cling to an unrealistic dream.
If she is still the one for you, keep safe boundaries.
Hugging and kissing is OK but avoid tempting situations like bedrooms if you don’t feel you can control yourself.
Read my e-leaflet on Underage Sex.
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Dear Candy,
You’re right, it is rotten for Fay that everyone is laughing at Gavin’s exploits behind her back but he is the person to have a word with, not her.
Telling tales could all too easily rebound on you and he would be more likely to stop if he realised no-one is impressed. Find a moment when you’re not overheard to tell Gavin you think the way he is publicly cheating on Fay is distressing.
Explain to him he is making a spectacle of himself, as well as his wife. Let’s hope that makes him think again.