I caught my wife in our bed with her ex … but she blames me for their affair
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
I OPENED our front door to hear sex noises coming from upstairs. I went up and found my wife at it in our bed with an ex-boyfriend.
They got the shock of their lives. I threw him out and she started to make excuses, saying it was a one-off and that he would not take no for an answer.
I got a different story when I later confronted him. He said it was a full-blown affair and had been going on for months.
I had guessed something was going on. Sex with my wife had dwindled to almost nothing. When we first got together six years ago, we had sex several times a week.
I am 29, she is 27 and our daughter is three. Our relationship was fine until one evening she went out with friends and her ex was there.
She would never talk about him, though I heard they finished because she had cheated on him.
Since he showed up again I saw him lurking near our house more than once.
I also noticed my wife had changed. She was hiding her phone and distancing herself.
I suspected more and more that something was going on, so on a day our daughter was looked after by her grandmother I left work early and went home.
My worst fears were confirmed. I dumped her on the spot but she refuses to leave the house and has moved into the spare room.
She says she will not leave until we have sorted things out.
She has been trying to justify what she has done and make out it is my fault.
She says I did not show her enough love and affection but this is not true. Surely she has no divine right to stay?
DEIDRE SAYS: No, but depending on issues such as who owns your home, a court will look at what is best for your daughter.
They can decide it is best for a stay-at-home mum looking after a small child to stay put while a working dad moves out.
Of course it’s best for your daughter if you can make your marriage work. I know your wife has behaved terribly but is it not worth a go?
Suggest to her that you talk to a Relate counsellor together (, 0300 100 1234).
You can then decide if you still love one another enough to keep your family together.
If it’s hopeless, Relate can help you part the best way possible for your little girl’s sake.
My e-leaflet When Parents Fall Out will help you see her through this crisis.
SCARED COPS WILL HEAR OF CAR ROMP
Dear Deidre
RECENTLY, I got caught having oral sex with a much older woman. I am now feeling scared the guy who saw us will have reported me to the police.
I am 22 and I met this woman in the pub. She came on to me and asked if I wanted to go for a drive.
We drove to a local beauty spot and things got steamy.
I realised a guy who was walking his dog was looking in the car window. He made a comment and walked off.
It’s shaken me up. Do I never see her again, or stick to women my own age and be more careful about where I conduct my love-life?
DEIDRE SAYS: Her age isn’t an issue here. You were not deliberately on view or causing offence to members of the public.
Do you like this woman? If so why not see her again?
Sex is generally better with someone you care for and who cares for you.
But be more discreet about your location in future.
Related Stories
I CAN'T LEAVE MY GAMBLING HUBBY
Dear Deidre
MY husband’s gambling is out of control. I have threatened to leave him but he knows how much we love one another.
We have a poorly nine-year-old daughter who has ongoing hospital treatment and needs constant care. He blames her illness for his addiction.
I am 38 and my husband is 39. We have been married for 11 years but now he has started lying to me.
I think he must be thousands in debt by now. His family tell me to leave him alone whereas my family just tell me to leave him.
DEIDRE SAYS: You are coping with intolerable pressure. Tell your husband that for your daughter’s sake things must change.
Her illness makes life a strain but that doesn’t excuse him.
GamCare can help (, 0808 8020 133). My e-leaflet Gambling Partner? gives you ideas of support.
I blame myself for my cat getting killed
Dear Deidre
I BLAME myself after my cat got run over and killed. I am a man of 31 and I recently moved into a new home.
My cat was only a year old and very affectionate.
I let her out one night and the next morning I found her in the gutter. I will never forget that moment.
I keep breaking down and waking in the night reliving it.
DEIDRE SAYS: Anyone who has lost a much-loved pet will understand how you feel.
It was an accident but find support with (0800 096 6606).
TOPIC OF THE DAY
SEXUAL happiness increases the more sex you have – but only up to a point.
More than once a week doesn’t make you happier – but less than once a week tends to make a couple unhappier.
If your sex life needs rescuing, my leaflet Saving Your Sex Life can help.
Email [email protected].
My daughter is in a relationship with a violent man and I'm worried for her safety
Dear Deidre
I’M really worried about my daughter because her relationship with her boyfriend is toxic.
She turned up at my house three months ago after he and his mate beat up a man because he owed them some money. They put him in hospital and he almost died.
This was not the first violent incident and I told her to leave him. At first she said she would but then she started to defend him.
She is 35 and he is 38. They have been together for eight years and have two boys.
This man has already been done for drink-driving and fighting outside the pub. He is now having an affair with another woman.
My daughter says she is standing by him. He seems to have brainwashed her and I worry she will have a breakdown. How can I get through to her?
DEIDRE SAYS: Dating a violent partner under-mines self-confidence and judgment. Keep telling her how much you worry.
Spell out to her that she and the boys are at risk and she could lose her sons if they stay.
You and she can both find support through the Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) or see .
CONTACT DEIDRE
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
Being short stops me talking to women
Dear Deidre
PLEASE help. I am so self-conscious at being short that it cripples my ability to talk to women.
I am only 5ft 5in, very short for a 21 year old.
I have a good job, a nice car and could afford my own place, if only I had a partner to share it with but I have never had a girlfriend.
DEIDRE SAYS: Daniel Radcliffe is an inch shorter than you and he is doing OK. You have achieved a lot for your age, so be proud.
Women don’t only rate a guy by how tall he is. Make friends first, then something special can develop.
I'm not sure if I'm an alcoholic but I do stupid things when I'm drunk
Dear Deidre
WHENEVER I am off work the next day, I polish off a couple of bottles of wine. I am worried Mum will push me out of the family.
I am a gay man of 27. I do not have a partner and have always seen myself as an outsider because my brother and sister are both married with children.
I have done some stupid things when I have had a few drinks, such as leaving the fridge door open overnight or forgetting to lock the front door.
I do not know if this makes me an alcoholic but I am not ready for AA. I never let my drinking affect my job.
My mum has started saying she wants to talk to me. I really do not feel I can face her right now and I am worried I will be banished.
DEIDRE SAYS: You get that you have a problem, so take steps to overcome it before it wrecks your health and your family.
Trying to live a double life and feeling inferior to your brother and sister is distressing for you.
Talk about support for your mum with FFLAG, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (, 0845 652 0311) and contact Switchboard LGBT (0300 330 0630, switchboard.lgbt).
You should not be so reliant on alcohol if you are at peace with yourself.
TEENAGE TROUBLE
Should I tell my dad about mum's affair with family friend?
Dear Deidre
THREE years ago, I discovered my mum was having an affair with a family friend.
I confronted her and she promised me she would end it, asking me not to say anything to anyone.
She and Dad have been married for 18 years. I am a girl of 16 with a brother of 11.
I found the affair was still going on when I came home early from school one day and saw his car leaving.
Mum promised me again nothing is going on but I feel Dad should know this man is visiting when he is not at home.
I realise it is not my place to tell him. Mum should do so but I know she won’t.
I worry I might break up the family if I tell my dad.
DEIDRE SAYS: You can’t know what is really going on in your parents’ marriage or what went on in the past.
As you say, it is her role to explain if there’s something your dad should know. But you shouldn’t have to bottle all this up inside either.
Confide to The Mix, which helps under-25s with any problem (, 0808 808 4994).
I knew sex with her would be illegal, so it never went any further
Dear Deidre
WHEN I was 15, I got very close to a girl who was then 12. I’d never considered myself attractive but she starting kissing me one night in a friend’s car.
I was blown away that she was actually coming on to me.
I visited her often and we would hug and kiss in her bedroom.
I knew sex with her would be illegal, so it never went any further.
I said we should wait until I finish university, as we were both so young. She was very hurt but accepted it and we both moved on.
She kept telling me she loved me, though.
She is now 14 and I am 17. I have fancied other females but every time I think about asking them out, I feel guilty about this girl.
I know she still loves me.
DEIDRE SAYS: Do you still love her? If not, don’t isolate yourself from other relationships.
It’s better she realises you have moved on so she can, too, not cling to an unrealistic dream.
If she is still the one for you, keep safe boundaries.
Hugging and kissing is OK but avoid tempting situations like bedrooms if you don’t feel you can control yourself.
Read my e-leaflet on Underage Sex.
BECOME A FORCES PENPAL: My service has helped cheer up our lads for years - especially those serving overseas. Find out how to join in here.
Dear Candy,
You’re right, it is rotten for Fay that everyone is laughing at Gavin’s exploits behind her back but he is the person to have a word with, not her.
Telling tales could all too easily rebound on you and he would be more likely to stop if he realised no-one is impressed. Find a moment when you’re not overheard to tell Gavin you think the way he is publicly cheating on Fay is distressing.
Explain to him he is making a spectacle of himself, as well as his wife. Let’s hope that makes him think again.