I had sex with my friend’s ex-girlfriend and fell in love – he’s furious but I’m desperate to make it work
My mate thinks we were having sex before they split up, so how can I convince him he's wrong and make this relationship work?
Dear Deidre
I AM having sex with my mate’s ex-girlfriend.
We love each other so much but my friend is furious and is accusing us of going behind his back before they split up.
How can this ever work?
My pal and I have worked together since we were in our teens.
We are now both 20.
He started a relationship with a 30-year-old woman and we arranged an evening out with her and her mate.
It was a great evening but I could not take my eyes off his girlfriend.
She is hot and beautiful.
They were together until recently and it was agony for me because I had fallen for her.
I told her how I felt but she said she would not cheat on my friend.
She then finished with him last month.
She texted me and told me they were over so I asked her out for a drink.
She is 31 now but it was clear she fancied me, too.
We had a great evening and went back to her house and spent the night together.
Sex with her was just amazing, better than I have ever known.
The next morning we agreed to keep it quiet for a bit for the sake of my mate but his brother had seen us out and knew we had left the pub together.
My pal put two and two together and made five.
He was upset and furious.
He posted about it on Facebook, telling everyone he believed we had been having sex before they split up, which was not true.
I am now in a relationship with his ex.
I have told her I am in love with her and she feels the same about me.
We care about each other so much but I am wondering whether it can work, what with the age gap and my mate calling me a devious, lying low-life.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your friend is naturally upset but if his relationship with this woman is over, he has no right to interfere with her new relationship.
Be fair to him though, and keep a low profile for a while.
You have fancied her for a long time and now you are together, it is thrilling and feels like this is for ever.
That high excitement at the beginning of a relationship usually settles down, then you will have a better idea of whether you are right for each other.
The age gap need not be a problem but you are at a different stage in life from her.
Might she want children before you feel ready, for example?
Talk these issues over with her, if it looks like you’re getting serious.
My e-leaflet Age Gaps, Do they Matter? will help.
You may also have to cope with doubts or disapproval from both of your families.
Your love will need to be strong to handle all of this.
related stories
How can I put the passion back in my relationship?
Dear Deidre
I’VE lost all the passion with my girlfriend.
The spark has gone and it doesn’t look as if it is coming back.
I am 28 and my girlfriend is 26.
We have been together for three years.
I lost my job last year and it was a real struggle.
I took all the pressure on my shoulders.
I have since found a new job I am really happy with but just can’t get the romance back with my girlfriend.
I have booked a week away to see if it helps but I am not sure it will work.
DEIDRE SAYS: Stress can play a big part in knocking out sex drive.
Tell your girlfriend you love her and are missing the closeness.
Suggest you take it in turns to give one another a stress-relieving massage.
Being touched caringly is a great tonic and can get more sexy as and when you both feel libido returning.
My e-leaflet Massage For Couples will help you get started.
TOPIC FOR TODAY
ADDICTION to online porn is the fastest-growing problem counsellors deal with, but how do you tell if you’re addicted or have a normal interest? More than 11 hours a week and you’ve got a problem. Email me for a copy of my helpful e-leaflet Internet Pornography Worry?.
My mum cries constantly since dad died four years ago
Dear Deidre
MY mum cries all the time.
My dad died four years ago and she feels all alone.
I have begged her to go to the doctors to seek talking therapy as she is already on anti-depressants but she won’t go.
Mum is 45.
I am her 19-year-old son.
I have been there for her since Dad died but what she really needs is a friend.
Are there any organisations or places that help people make friends or that can help people like my mum who are lonely?
DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds as though your mum’s grieving has got blocked somehow.
Talking to Cruse Bereavement Care who can arrange one-to-one counselling will help your mum (cruse.org.uk, 0808 808 1677).
Because she is only 45, suggest she also contact WAY, which is a self-help group for men and women widowed under the age of 50 (widowedandyoung.org.uk).
I cry for hours over my cam girl
Dear Deidre
I CANNOT go more than a few minutes without thinking about the sex-cam girl I have fallen in love with.
She lives in the Far East and is 25.
I’ve talked to her for two years now.
I am 28.
This girl means everything to me but now says she has another British boyfriend.
She has never met him face to face either but he is married and sends her money.
He claims he is divorcing his wife in order to be with her.
The thought of them doing all the things, especially sexual things, she and I have talked about is killing me.
I cannot eat or sleep and cannot concentrate on anything.
I walk for miles and miles, crying all the way.
The days since she told me about this other guy have been the worst in my life.
DEIDRE SAYS: If this girl has not yet asked you for money, she probably soon will.
It is very likely the boyfriend does not exist.
He is a ruse to draw you in and make you jealous.
Online sex is just fantasy.
Move on from this pretend relationship and get your life back.
Meet real people face to face.
My leaflet Find The Love Of Your Life explains how.
CONTACT DEIDRE
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
We've had custody of my ex's daughter since she was a baby but now her mum wants her back
Dear Deidre
MY husband’s ex had drug problems so he was given custody of their daughter when she was a baby and just after we started dating.
I’ve been raising her as my own and she’s a lovely little girl of six now.
I’m 29 and my husband is 32.
There was so much hostility from his ex’s family that the idea of a loving family environment seemed better for all three of us so we planned a move closer to my family, 300 miles away
His ex is more stable now and seemed willing to work with us and we agreed arrangements to make sure she’d still see her daughter so they could keep a bond.
But then my husband’s mother got wind of this and has taken my husband’s ex in and they are attempting to gain custody. We feel desperate.
DEIDRE SAYS: Try to talk to your mother-in-law. Maybe she felt left out of the planning.
See if you can agree arrangements for her to see your little girl regularly.
My e-leaflet When Parents Fall Out could help all the adults involved here, and you will find support through familylives.org.uk, 0808 800 2222.
BECOME A FORCES PENPAL: My service has helped cheer up our lads for years - especially those serving overseas. Find out how to join in here.
