My pregnant work fling insists I’m not the father – but there’s no way of knowing for sure
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
I’VE been having sex with a work colleague who is now pregnant – but is it her husband’s baby or mine?
We are both teachers. She only got married two years ago and I attended their wedding with a girl I was seeing at the time.
She’s 32 and I’m 27. She’s head of year and I teach in her department.
There were some changes to the curriculum and the way we did the reports for the kids, so she suggested I go round to hers one evening and we go through it all over a bottle of wine.
Her husband was away on a training course. She poured me a glass of wine and then asked if I’d mind if she changed into her pyjamas to be comfortable. She walked back through from her bedroom in a baggy T-shirt and a pair of knickers.
We sat together and the sexual tension was electric. We kissed.
Things progressed and we had sex on her kitchen table. It was pretty wild. She said she was in love with me within weeks.
Her husband was away a lot so we started doing things couples do — going out for meals, talking about our future and buying each other gifts.
She called me on her birthday weekend when she was away with her husband, “just to hear my voice”, she said.
She has now told me she is pregnant but she is adamant it is her husband’s.
But we always had unprotected sex as she is allergic to condoms and didn’t want to go on the Pill. I’d withdraw but we would do it more than once so it’s possible that it could be my child, couldn’t it?
She said she just had sex with her husband the once two months ago but I’ve noticed changes in her for longer than that.
How can I trust her to tell me if it’s mine? Do I have to wait until the baby is born and do a DNA test?
If the child is mine, I want to step up and be a dad. Also I love her deeply. I want her too.
DEIDRE SAYS: She is married and clearly choosing to stay that way. You’ve been her bit on the side while her husband is away.
Maybe you have been the answer to a fertility worry but if she is insisting the baby is her husband’s, there is nothing you can do about it.
You can’t insist on DNA tests against her wishes. It’s true that the withdrawal method is notoriously unreliable but if her husband is accepting this baby, their sex life is clearly frequent enough to
convince him.
Keep your relationship with this woman professional from now on. Go out with your friends and find yourself a relationship with somebody who’s free to be with you.
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It hurts me that ex has new girl
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend ended our relationship and slept with another girl, which has made me feel I want him back.
We are both 23 and we have a two-year-old daughter together. We had been going through a rough patch, arguing lots and with very separate social lives.
He told me I no longer made him happy and sent me some really nasty text messages. He moved back to his mum’s and I heard on the grapevine he was seeing a girl from up the road.
I met him to make contact arrangements for our daughter and asked if the rumours were true. He said they were and they’d had sex. It destroyed me.
I knew things weren’t right but it makes me sick to think of him touching her or being intimate with her. How will I get over this?
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s hard to hear an ex has moved on but you were arguing, had separate interests and he was nasty to you.
It’s better for your little girl to have two happy parents apart.
Try to see him now only as your daughter’s dad. Call him that when talking to friends.
Focus on keeping him in her life. My e-leaflet Lonely Single Parent? can help you move on.
CONTACT DEIDRE
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
How can we beat Twitter bully?
Dear Deidre
MY sister is being harassed and bullied by a guy on Twitter. The stress of it is making her ill. She’s only 18 and is honest and kind.
He says she defrauded him over items he’s paid for with PayPal. He says that he’s paid her but not had the goods.
My sister has never used PayPal but this creep has messaged her friends and is threatening to tell the police.
She’s closed down her Twitter account but he won’t go away. Now others are saying she’s cheated them too.
I’ve contacted him and asked what his proof was. It seems to be an email address which is not even registered to my sister.
I’m a guy of 21 and I’m out of my depth. My sister’s distraught and is getting behind with her A-level work. What should she do?
DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds like a case of mistaken identity or even identity theft.
This man’s got it wrong and the action he’s taking is wrong.
If he has been the victim of fraud he should report it, not bully your sister online.
Tell her not to respond any more but to keep a record of all contact from him and to contact her local police force.
Boyfriend prefers porn to time with me
Dear Deidre
AS soon as my boyfriend comes in from work he spends half an hour in the bathroom watching porn.
I’m 23 and he’s 25 and we have two little boys. We seem to have drifted apart. He started messaging another girl, telling her he wanted sex and complimenting her.
I confronted him and the relationship seemed to stop but he isn’t interested in me any more. We rarely have sex and he never touches, hugs or kisses me. He says I’m boring, which really hurts my feelings.
I love him but he doesn’t feel the same way. Has this relationship just run its course? I feel so sad, especially because of the kids.
DEIDRE SAYS: If you loved one another before it can be revived.
Tell him he’s not being fair and you need some outside help from Relate (relate.org.uk, 0300 100 1234).
My e-leaflet Internet Porn Worry will help you decide whether that is a problem in itself for him.
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Frustration at little things is out of control
Dear Deidre
I CAN’T stop worrying about the slightest thing and it is driving me crazy.
Even the tiniest thing which goes wrong sends me into a panic. My washing machine broke down and I couldn’t sleep for days.
My husband was flashed by a speed camera and I kept worrying that the authorities would think it was me driving.
Now my daughter is away travelling on a gap year and I’m scared something dreadful will happen to her.
I’m 45 and I had a brain haemorrhage two years ago, I think it may be linked to this.
I worry it will happen again unless I can get the worrying under control.
DEIDRE SAYS: The brain haemorrhage must have been terrifying.
Build regular relaxation routines into your life. They help lower blood pressure as well as calming our thoughts. They are explained in my e-leaflet Self-help For Stress.
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