My lesbian lover won’t ditch her boyfriend and I worry she’ll never come to terms with her sexuality
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
MY ex-girlfriend came to find me in the pub where she knew I’d be on a Saturday night.
That night we had loving, tender sex and we have been having sex regularly ever since, but she won’t break up with her fiancé.
I am 27, female and gay. My ex is 24 but has never come to terms with being gay.
Our relationship was difficult from the start. Sex was always good but her mum found out about us and hated her daughter going out with a girl.
It got so my girlfriend was embarrassed to be seen with me. She was always afraid someone would tell her mum so we would meet up in another town.
I loved her so much and I was convinced that we would win through if I was loving enough, and that one day she would accept she is gay and be proud to let other people know too.
Then out of the blue she said we were finished and that she was back with an ex-boyfriend.
Now she is engaged to this guy and has even told me she has been trying to get pregnant in order to convince her mother she is straight.
I am sure she is faking her life. I believe she is planning a wedding and a family one day only in order to put things right with her mum and to make her friends think she is just like them.
I feel sorry for her but I know what her deepest feelings are because they are the same as mine. I have known I wanted a girlfriend, not a boyfriend, since I was 14. I know that she cannot deny these feelings for long.
I feel sure there is a good future for us together but I don’t know how I make her realise this.
DEIDRE SAYS: She has to come to terms with her sexuality herself, not because of pressure being put on her by anyone else.
Have another talk with her. Say you love her but you cannot continue with an on/off relationship.
Tell her if she wants to be with you it means being together openly and being faithful to one another, not just seeing you behind her boyfriend’s back. It is not fair on you or on him.
Some people are convinced they are gay from an early age and do not change. Others fight their feelings and long to be like the majority.
Parents’ disapproval is hard to cope with but she can find support and guidance on talking to her mother through FFLAG – Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (fflag.org.uk, 0845 652 0311).
Suggest she herself talks to a young person’s counsellor through The Mix (, 0808 808 4994).
But if she doesn’t feel ready to make such changes, look for a girlfriend who is comfortable with being your partner.
Dear Deidre
MY partner kept it secret he’d had the snip, although he knew I wanted a baby. I was heartbroken and we split up over it two months ago, after being together for 12 years.
He moved straight in with a 20-year-old girl who had always been all over him.
All the while he has been with her, he hasn’t stopped having sex with me. He is 33, I am 29. He has promised to move back in with me, get a reversal and give our relation- ship another try but he never does anything about it.
I’ve been such a fool. He has hurt me so much with his lies. I want to get over him but when he calls we end up in bed.
DEIDRE SAYS: You can’t change him. He was so determined not to have kids, he made sure without talking to you first.
Now he is cheating. He has hurt you badly and ignores your feelings. He will continue if you let him. Put him out of your life and you will find someone worthy of you.
topic4today
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Sex therapists even “prescribe” it. My e-leaflet Masturbation Worries? explains more. Email me at the address below.
Dear Deidre
I HAVE great sex every day with my fiancée but am turned on by almost every woman I see and would have my way with them if I could.
When I turned 20 and broke up with my teenage girlfriend I had sex with a different girl at least monthly.
I am 25 now and my fiancée 23. But I also crave a middle- aged woman to take me to bed and treat me as her slave. I need to stop these feelings. I worry that I am a sex addict.
DEIDRE SAYS: I don’t think you are acting on those urges, yet. If your relation-ship with your girlfriend is generally good, ensure your sex life together is fulfilling, not just frequent.
But maybe your constant sex craving reflects an emotional void left by unhappy experiences as a child.
If so, sex is not the answer. My e-leaflet Addicted To Sex? will help and you can talk to Sex Addicts Anonymous (, 07599 917686).
My girlfriend's brother always outstays his welcome
Dear Deidre
MY girlfriend’s younger brother comes to our house nearly every day and outstays his welcome.
Even our little boy asks why he is always here but my partner defends him if I say anything.
We are all in our twenties. I have told my girlfriend how I feel and she says she understands but says nothing to her brother.
If I hint he should leave he acts like I am being cruel. When he is not actually here he phones us, usually about nothing. The situation drives me mad and causes rows.
She says her brother will always come first which I think is wrong. Surely her child and I should come first?
DEIDRE SAYS: Your girlfriend was probably protective over her brother through their childhoods and finds it hard to stop.
Talk to her and to her brother separately. Say to each you worry he is missing out.
He should be out with mates and having fun, not hanging round you.
Help him find a social life. In other words, be positive, not critical, and keep him busy.
Copycat girl lies about her diet
Dear Deidre
I HAVE to avoid foods that contain gluten and a fellow student says she has the same problem. But she then tucks into cakes and biscuits that people bring in – so there cannot be anything wrong with her.
If I ate even a crumb of what she eats I would be ill as I have coeliac disease.
I am 21 and was diagnosed in my teens.
When this girl first said she couldn’t eat gluten I shared my food with her.
Now I’ve realised she’s eating all the other foods too. It’s irritating and I can’t work out why she would say it.
She is jealous of the special treatment she perhaps thinks you receive.
DEIDRE SAYS: She must hope by claiming to share your condition it will make her more interesting.
Tell her how much you wish you could eat normal food like she is doing but eating even a crumb of gluten makes you ill.
Say her eating your gluten-free food then tucking into all the other treats really upsets you.
It could also confuse others about what coeliac disease is really like.
Contact Coeliac UK for support (, 0333 332 2033).
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