I drunkenly slept with my pal’s no-good boyfriend and I’m worried he has given me an STI
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
MY mate asked me to keep an eye on her boyfriend at a party but I ended up having sex with him.
I never thought I would do anything like that, especially as I know most of her fellas have cheated on her.
We were at school together and were both invited to another friend’s 18th birthday party.
I am a girl of 19 and my mate is 18.
She could not go to the party because she is training to be a hairdresser and they were having a modelling evening at the salon where she works.
She has a very good-looking new boyfriend, who is 20.
She says she loves him but I think deep down knows what he is like because she asked me to watch him at the party.
I decided to see if he was no good and started flirting with him.
We both had a lot to drink and when he made a move on me, I thought I would see how far he would go.
He asked me to go upstairs and have sex with him and I agreed.
I asked him to use a condom but he said he couldn’t be bothered.
We had sex anyway.
I couldn’t bring myself to say no to him.
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I felt so bad because he is going out with my mate but he is the kind of person you don’t want to get on the wrong side of.
He deserves his reputation as a bad boy and can get nasty.
I want to tell my friend but I am afraid to.
I know she will be devastated and be mad at me.
I don’t know why I did it and am disgusted with myself — and very worried.
I know he sleeps around and what if I have an STI?
Now he keeps messaging me on Facebook and asking me to do it again.
I don’t know why but I didn’t say an outright no.
I just told him not without a condom.
DEIDRE SAYS: Do not let this guy bully you.
You have given him, at best, mixed messages about what you want.
But he is bad news, so stop all contact with him and block him on Facebook.
Then the most important thing is to get a sexual health check.
You had unprotected sex with a man you know sleeps around.
That is a real risk to your own sexual health, so you must sort a check out straight away.
Call the Sexual Health Line, run by the NHS (nhs.uk/worthtalkingabout, 0800 567 123).
Your mate knows deep down she cannot trust her boyfriend, so I am not sure she gains much by you telling her what happened.
But you do stand to lose her friendship – and the boy may tell her anyway.
All in all, see this as a lesson to watch how much you drink in the future, so you never make a similar mistake again.
TOPIC FOR TODAY
WHEN we fancy someone like mad we can kid ourselves it is true love and justify trampling over other people’s feelings.
How can you tell whether it is love or sexual chemistry that will pass?
My leaflet Love Or Lust? will help.
For a copy email me at [email protected].
Lack of oral sex is frustrating
Dear Deidre
I'm often promised oral sex by my girlfriend, but she never delivers.
We have been together for two years and I love her to bits.
She is 26 and I am 29.
She says she loves me and, generally, we are happy.
The only sticking point is oral sex.
I am so frustrated about it.
She makes out it will happen but it is all a game to her.
She promised it to me on my birthday last week but then at bedtime she said she was too tired.
I have tried to talk to her about it but she just says to stop pressuring her.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s just not right that someone should be under pressure to do anything sexual if they are reluctant but she is being unfair to promise then refuse.
Ask your girlfriend to tell you honestly why she is so unwilling to do it.
There might be practical issues you can sort out.
My e-leaflet on Tensions Over Oral Sex will help you talk about it.
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
Dear Deidre
DAD treats me like a housemaid and I am sick of it.
I am a woman of 45 and got divorced 20 years ago.
My grown-up daughter went to live with her boyfriend and I had to move in with my father, as I could no longer afford to rent anywhere.
Dad is 65 and expects me to do all the washing, cooking and cleaning, even though he did all these before.
I wish I could move out and get on with my life.
I would love to meet someone and settle down but life seems to be passing me by.
DEIDRE SAYS: If your dad is capable of doing some of the household chores, it is not good for him to just sit around and leave it all to you.
Tell him that you are not his housemaid then draw up a rota of how you two are going share out all the jobs around the house more fairly.
My e-leaflet Standing Up For Yourself will help you be firm with him.
Parents don't get my music lifestyle
Dear Deidre
I AM a free spirit and my parents just don’t get it.
They are conventional and, frankly, very boring.
I am a guy of 23 and a musician.
I love travelling, singing and performing.
I have had a mixed bag of success and failure, which is standard with this job.
My parents have never understood.
They think I should get a proper job, something that pays well.
Whenever I was performing at school, they would drop me off and pick me up afterwards – but not stay to watch like the other proud parents.
They compare me with my brother.
He is rude and demanding and gloats that he has a job with a salary and company car.
DEIDRE SAYS: You will not be able to change your parents but you have to live your own life.
You are happy in your career, so try to let their different views just roll off your back.
If they start going on at you, tell them that you are enthusiastic about what you do and that this to you is the most important thing – particularly while you have no other responsibilities.
Good luck with your music career.
Ex-army fella has a violent streak
Dear Deidre
WHEN things are good with my partner, they are great – but when they are bad, they get out of control.
He is ex-Army and we have been together for six years and have a two-year-old daughter.
I am 27, he is 30.
He has a drink problem but would never admit it.
When he has been drinking he is aggressive and mean.
He has smashed things up and punched holes in doors.
He is always very sorry when he sobers up and I always forgive him.
I’m not strong enough to walk away.
How do I get out of this mess?
He kicks off when I try to talk to him and I am scared of what will happen if I try to leave.
I know what he can do.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your partner is abusive and dangerous.
Violence in front of you easily becomes violence towards you and it is already damaging your daughter.
He needs to seek help.
Get support to leave safely.
Make sure you have someone with you or else leave when he isn’t at home.
My e-leaflet Abusive Partner? explains where to find support.
Respect can help him if he wants to change (respectphoneline .org.uk, 0808 802 4040).
BECOME A FORCES PENPAL: My service has helped cheer up our lads for years - especially those serving overseas. Find out how to join in here.