My best friend gets me to bed her fella but now I’m actually falling for him

Dear Deidre

I AM having fabulous sex with my best friend’s partner.

It started as a favour to pull the wool over the eyes of social services but I’m falling for him.

5

I am a 24-year-old woman.

My mate is 25 and her boyfriend is 27.

I have known my friend since school.

She’s been with her fella for seven years and they have two kids aged two and four.

I am godmother to the eldest.

It was my pal’s idea for me to have a friends-with-benefits relationship with her guy.

She’s never felt like sex since having their youngest and her boyfriend started going out with mates, drinking too much, seeing other women and coming home off his head in the small hours.

The rows were awful and began turning violent.

My mate’s mum was worried for her grandkids and talked to social services.

They visited my friend and she insisted all was great.

But she was confiding in me about all this when she asked: “Do you fancy him?

“Would you help keep him out of trouble?”

My mate's mum has talked to social services

Her idea was that it was better for him to be having sex with me than going out, getting drunk and sleeping with who knows who.

That way she felt more certain of keeping her kids, because social services had suggested they might have to be taken into care if her boyfriend carried on drinking.

I haven’t been in a relationship for a while but he is an attractive guy and, in the end, I agreed.

I gave her boyfriend the come-on and he said he had always fancied me.

We have been having sex since but I warned our fling would stop if I heard he was going out and got with other women.

The sex is great, the problem is I am falling for him.

It hurts me when I am with my lover and friend — he doesn’t know our fling was her idea and he acts all lovey-dovey with her.

I try to keep my feelings for him hidden but it is getting harder.

DEIDRE SAYS:You must end this.

It has done nothing to sort the this couple’s problems.

For their children’s sake, they must tackle the real issues.

And you need to meet someone who is right for you.

Tell your lover it is over – and to get help to stop drinking and act like a caring dad and partner.

My e-leaflet on Drinking Problems can help.

Tell your friend she can revive her libido if she and her partner work on their relationship.

My e-leaflet Abusive Partner? can help.

But if he won’t get help to change, social services may have to step in to protect their children and you shouldn’t try to block that.

Teenage Trouble

5

Dear Deidre

A GIRL I am interested in has admitted to me that she has already had sex.

We are both 16 and plan on getting to know one another better.

I find it a bit uncomfortable knowing she has had sex when I am still a virgin.

We have talked about it and she says she regrets her past but I am worried that if I get closer to her, and possibly form a relationship with her, she’ll expect more of me sexually.

I am also concerned about sexually transmitted infections.

Should it not bother me that she has had sex before?

Am I just being paranoid?

DEIDRE SAYS:Her past experience has gone towards making her the girl you are attracted to but it doesn’t mean she will be more demanding sexually.

That’s your insecurity talking but, if you can’t accept her past, then this isn’t going to be the right relationship for you.

It would be sensible for her to have a sexual health check.

Find out more at nhs.uk/worthtalkingabout.

My friends always tries to out-do me

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My friends always tries to out-do me

Dear Deidre

MY friend constantly tries to be better than me.

We are both 15-year-old girls.

I told my mate that I was going on holiday to Tenerife and she said her family were going to Disney World in Florida.

She is also very clingy.

I am getting so fed up.

DEIDRE SAYS:Constant one-upmanship is tiresome but is a compliment in a way.

It also shows that your friend has fragile self-esteem.

Telling you how great everything is for her is her way of trying to impress you – so it proves that to her you are worth impressing.

Tell her you like her for herself but spend time with other friends too and it will grate on you less.

My mountain of debt is ruining my life

5

Dear Deidre

I’VE got myself into massive debts of more than £15,000 due to gambling.

I hide it from my parents.

They would kick me out if they knew.

I am a 25-year-old guy.

I have been unemployed most of my adult life because I kept thinking I would strike it rich.

I can’t talk to anyone about it.

My pals stopped calling years ago.

I’ve signed up to a debt-management company but the payments are very small because it’s all I can afford.

It’s going to take me forever to be debt-free.

I have complete sadness in my life.

I feel like ending it all some days.

DEIDRE SAYS:Be honest with your parents.

They can help by supporting you to work your way through it.

Earning your own money is a start.

My e-leaflet Finding Work will help.

Contact the Samaritans (samaritans.org, 116 123) and GamCare (gamcare.org.uk, 0808 8020 133) for support.

I found out hubby has lovechild

5

Dear Deidre

AFTER 18 years of marriage, I have found out my husband has a son of eight I knew nothing about.

I am devastated.

I am 39 and he is 41.

We have two daughters aged 14 and 11.

I had no idea he had cheated until I found old emails between him and his lover.

He had to confess but claimed his son would not be able to trace him, as he doesn’t have his surname.

But he lied.

I went online and found out the child has his surname.

DEIDRE SAYS:This is devastating but it will serve no one, least of all your daughters, to let your relationship continue to suffer.

Is your husband seeing his son now?

Encourage him to, as this little boy needs a loving dad.

If you can be grown-up about this, your children might even enjoy having a half-sibling.

My girlfriend's low sex drive is taking its toll

Dear Deidre

MY girlfriend won’t have sex with me, saying she isn’t well.

She’s 26 and I’m 29.

She was a virgin when we met and has always been reluctant to have sex.

She was poorly a few months ago and was signed off work.

The sex then stopped completely, which I was OK with as I understood she was ill.

But she’s now back at work and, although she claims she’s still unwell if I suggest sex, she has the energy to meet with her friends and go to the gym.

I do everything for her from making cups of tea, to shopping, cooking and cleaning.

I don’t do it to get sex.

But surely sex is part of a relationship?

DEIDRE SAYS:  Say to her that a non-existent love life is a relationship-breaker for you but that you are willing to learn what would make sex great for her.

My e-leaflet Is She Not Keen On Sex? will help you both.

5

Dear Amity

You deserve to learn a lesson but throwing you out – and leaving you even more vulnerable – is not the way for a responsible parent to behave.

Your mum shouldn’t let your dad bully her either.

Tell them both how sorry you are and ask them to think again.

If they still won’t listen, is there a calm, sensible adult you can approach who your parents would listen to?

If not, explain what has happened to your college tutor, or contact The Mix who help under-25s with any problem.

Find them at themix.org.uk or on 0808 808 4994.

Deidre

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