Wife forgave catching me in the act with her hairdresser friend but she can’t forget – so how can we save our marriage?
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
MY wife threw me out when she caught me having sex with one of her friends.
I always seem to sabotage anything good in my life.
I’m 40 and my wife is 37.
She’s gorgeous but she’s gone off sex since our little boy was born two years ago.
Her friend cuts my hair in her salon.
She’s 34 and single.
I went for a cut late one evening and I was her last client.
My wife had rejected me the night before and I was feeling down.
Her mate has this way of getting me to divulge my innermost secrets, so when she asked me what was up, I started to tell her that I was missing a good sex life.
She said: “That’s a real shame.
“You’re a lovely guy and I would never turn you down.”
She then put her scissors down and I was shocked when she started kissing the back of my neck.
Shivers ran down my spine.
I felt so ashamed
She locked the salon door and closed the blinds, spun my chair around and straddled me.
We kissed and within a few moments we were having sex.
The door then rattled and I heard my wife’s voice.
Before I could make myself respectable, she looked through the letterbox and saw us.
She screamed and ran home.
I felt so ashamed.
What an idiot I’d been.
I followed her home, we rowed and she told me to leave.
We lasted one week apart.
I’m now back home and I’ve vowed to change and so has she.
She’s admitted that she has not wanted sex because she hates her post-baby body and she has lost her confidence.
I’m being more attentive and my wife has said I’ve grown into her perfect man — but she is still so hurt.
We don’t know how we can move on and save our marriage.
DEIDRE SAYS: You’re lucky your wife is being so forgiving.
The birth of a first baby is the most common time for couples to run into problems in their sex life.
Your wife still wants to be a great lover and an attentive mum but, if she’s battling to lose post-pregnancy weight, has stretch marks and is only too aware that you watched her giving birth, it’s no wonder she feels less than sexually alluring.
On top of all of that, she’s exhausted.
Boost her confidence by giving her lots of cuddles.
Touching her without demanding sex will show her you love her and you still find her attractive.
Practical support such as bathing your son and putting him to bed, cooking your wife a meal or just giving her time for herself will help too.
My e-leaflets Cheating – Can You Get Over It? and Sex Problems After A Baby? are full of tips on improving communication to get your marriage back on track.
TOPIC FOR TODAY
A QUARTER of wives and two- in-five husbands are open to the idea of swinging – but psychologists agree it usually damages relationships.
For a copy email me at [email protected].
If I'm too forward men run for the hills
Dear Deidre
RELATIONSHIPS don’t get off the ground because men think I’m needy.
I’m not – but I do like to be organised, so I hurry relationships along.
I’m 35 and divorced.
I’ve been out with a few guys since but after one meeting I always ring them and want to know when I’m going to see them again, just so that I know what I’m doing.
If they don’t text me back about something straight away, my self-esteem is rock bottom again.
I think I push people away with my demands but I’m not desperate.
I just like to know where I stand.
I would really like somebody special to share my life with.
DEIDRE SAYS: Most men like to feel they’re making the early running and diarising your dates too rigorously can make them feel more like business than pleasure.
Train yourself to wait for the guy to make contact and the second dates may naturally come your way.
If they are not forthcoming, then there was no spark so move on.
My e-leaflet Finding The Right Partner For You will help you to make good choices.
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
Grieving makes it hard to move on
Dear Deidre
I CAN’T seem to move forward with my life since my wife died earlier this year.
We were married almost 40 years.
My family and friends are very good and they come to visit me.
But when they mention her name, I just break down.
People say things will get better but how can they?
We did everything together.
I’ve got two sons and a daughter and they visit me.
But I feel so lonely, especially in the evenings when they have gone.
I’m 65 and used to love gardening but it’s overgrown now because I just can’t be bothered doing anything.
What would it all be for?
I just don’t feel I can carry on without her.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is a terrible loss and it will take time before you appreciate the positives of all those years with your wife rather than only grieve her loss.
Maybe see your garden as a memorial to your wife.
I bet she loved it too – so make it as beautiful as you can for her.
You can find real understanding for your feelings through Cruse Bereavement Care (, 0808 808 1677).
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Girlfriend is trying to have sex with other men
Dear Deidre
I’VE discovered my girlfriend has been trying to hook up with another guy.
I saw a message from her to a bloke on Facebook.
She was flirting, so I sent him a message.
He said my partner had told him she was single and that he’d back off.
He then told her I had been in touch and she said: “That’s just my b****** of an ex.”
I was astounded she would say that.
My mate hacked into her account and saw that the guy had unfriended her.
My girlfriend told me that I wasn’t thinking straight.
Yeah, right.
Should I end it?
We are both 20.
DEIDRE SAYS: The out-look isn’t good.
She’s kept on trying to deceive you even after being found out.
Perhaps this relationship has just run its course for her.
She’s not being fair on you and it’s hard to see how you could trust her in future.
Tell her you’re not being treated like a doormat any longer and move on.
Breast cancer has ruined sex life with fella
Dear Deidre
I DON’T think my boyfriend finds me sexually attractive since I had a breast removed due to cancer.
I met him a year ago.
He’s 42 and I’m 40.
The implant they gave me after the mastectomy got infected so that had to be removed, too.
He knows about my operations but says my lack of breasts makes no difference, it is me that he loves.
I want to believe him but our sex life has diminished since I moved in four months ago.
Weeks can go by without him being intimate.
DEIDRE SAYS: Women regularly complain their guy has gone off sex since they moved in together, but you should check whether the mastectomy is affecting him.
You can both find support through Macmillan Cancer Support (, 0808 808 0000).
It may just be down to a difference in sex drives.
My e-leaflet Different Sex Drives can help.
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