Fit cougar cook from work canteen dished up great sex on the side – but I don’t trust her
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
I’VE been having sex with a cook from our canteen but she seems to be moving on.
I’m 25 and engaged to a lovely girl from my town. She’s 23.
I work in a distribution centre for an online shop.
A new lady started working in the cafe. She’s 38 and very fit.
She looks after herself and has a lovely smile.
She would touch my hand for a bit too long if she was on the till and had to give me change.
I asked her out for a drink and she accepted.
We drove to a country pub and she told me she was widowed last year after her husband died in a road accident.
I said I was engaged but she didn’t seem too worried.
A day later I went to her house and she kissed me as soon as I got in the door.
Then we went upstairs and had great sex.
She’s hiding something from me
She left her last job because people found out she had been having an affair with her boss.
After losing her husband so suddenly, she said she’d missed sex, which had always been her way of not feeling so lonely.
I kept seeing her even though I felt guilty. She told me she was seeing another man but I could hardly complain.
She told me she wanted to cool things but we were back in bed two weeks later.
Recently it’s become clear she’s hiding something from me.
She’s joined a dating site for “friendship only’” but says she still wants me in her life. I think she’s got someone else and we haven’t spoken in a week.
DEIDRE SAYS: Accept it’s going nowhere.
Do you really want more than sex from this woman? She is experienced but you are at different life stages. She isn’t looking for long-term commitment.
My e-leaflet Your Lover Not Free? will help you to understand more about this dead-end relationship.
You’ll feel better if you walk away first, rather than her ditching you when she gets bored.
She’s a needy woman who would benefit from bereavement counselling to come to terms with her loss.
Tell her you’re not the man for her and, if she wants a relationship, somebody nearer her age would be a better bet.
You’re supposedly getting married but this lover on the side isn’t helping either of you. Your fiancée deserves better.
Learn from this mistake by channelling your energy into your relationship with your wife-to-be.
If your sex life lacks excitement, gradually introduce techniques you learned from your older lover.
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Fella says no to wedding or kids
Dear Deidre
FACING up to a future that doesn’t involve marriage or having any more kids saddens me.
I met my partner six years ago. He’s 37 and I’m 32.
We have a son each, aged 12 and ten, both living with us.
We had each been hurt before so agreed we would not marry or have more kids.
The thought of having another child stressed me.
I’m settled now and think I’ve changed my mind.
I’ve been looking at wedding dresses and long to be a mum again but my partner doesn’t want to hear it.
He says we agreed. It just makes me sad.
DEIDRE SAYS: Say you have changed your mind.
Tell him that you are happy and want to plan a stable future for you and your boys.
See if there are practical reasons he is against marriage and a baby.
If it’s leftover hurt from the past, talk to Relate (, 0300 100 1234).
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
She will not let me meet family
Dear Deidre
I THINK my girlfriend must be ashamed of me because she’s keeping me from meeting her family.
She turned 30 recently and told me she was going out to celebrate her birthday with the girls from work.
I saw some pictures from the evening on Facebook.
When I asked who the other people were, she pointed out her mother and her older sister.
I met her father and younger sister once when we were in town shopping but she just introduced me as a friend.
I’m 34 and she has met my parents, my brother and my grandparents too.
What is she trying to hide?
DEIDRE SAYS: Explain that being part of her life means getting to know her family too.
It could be that she is embarrassed by her family, rather than by you.
Suggest you all meet up for a meal to get to know them on neutral ground.
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I'm pregnant but sis will be upset
Dear Deidre
MY sister has had five miscarriages in four years.
I’m 26 and have a six-month-old baby.
Now I’m pregnant again.
I’m delighted but don’t know how to tell her.
This second baby wasn’t planned.
My sister, who is 28, loves my son and knows there’s something wrong.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your sister’s miscarriage problems are terribly sad.
But tell her you’re pregnant and you need her support.
Suggest she finds support through the Miscarriage Association (, 01924 200 799).
Secret fella's brother is father of my kid
Dear Deidre
I’VE kept my three-year relationship with my boyfriend secret because his brother is my ex and the father of my child.
My partner fears what his brother’s reaction would be if he knew about us – but I’m fed up living this way.
I first met my boyfriend and his brother five years ago.
I’m 25 now, my partner is 24 and my ex 27.
I got together with the brother and fell pregnant but he cheated and we split after six months.
My now-boyfriend took days off to run me to hospital appointments and was the first person to visit when my girl was born.
We started a relationship but he says we can’t be open because his brother is still obsessed with me.
Now my daughter is starting to talk in sentences and he’s worried she will give us away.
DEIDRE SAYS: Life will force your hand soon so it is best to take charge now.
You and your boyfriend must tell his brother you are a couple and hope he will be happy for you.
If he’s likely to be angry, talk to his parents first.
Point out to them that what matters is that their grandchild has a happy family life.
Find support at Family Lives (, 0808 800 2222).
Teenage son angry about new relationship
Dear Deidre
MY 15-year-old son won’t speak to me because I’m in a new relationship.
His dad and I split up five years ago.
I’ve finally started going out again after my abusive ex sapped my confidence.
I’m 48 and my new man is 50. Why can’t my son be pleased that I’m happy?
DEIDRE SAYS: Explain nothing will stop you loving him but his dad made you unhappy and you need to move on.
He can get help from The Mix who support under-25s (, 0808 808 4994).
Wife won't sleep with me
Dear Deidre
MY wife would rather have new shoes and handbags than sex.
We used to do it every day, then once a week, then once a month and now I’m lucky if it’s once a year.
She will flirt with and hug men in the pub but she gives me a wide berth.
She only gives me a peck on the cheek. She says real kissing is for teenagers.
She arranged to meet her mum in the pub for a meal with our kids.
I wasn’t invited and had to stay home with a microwave meal.
I just don’t think she’s fair.
When the children play up she does get stressed but that’s no reason to reject me.
I’m 40 and she’s 38.
I feel like walking away.
DEIDRE SAYS: Bringing up a family can eat into romance.
Tell your wife you love her and you are worried about your relationship.
Ask what she would like to see changed to improve things.
Then agree an evening out each week to give you both some fresh interests.
You can spice up your sex life with ideas in my e-leaflet, 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex.
Take over looking after the kids when you come home from work so she gets more of a break.
Children benefit from an involved dad anyway.
Teenage trouble
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend is threatening to end our relationship unless I have sex with him.
He’s 19 and I’m 17.
I’m a Christian and my family are deeply religious.
My faith means a lot to me and I don’t agree with sex before marriage.
I met him online and we have met face-to-face just twice in six months because he lives two hours away, but I think I might love him.
The furthest we have been is a really deep kiss but he says he “needs to be satisfied”.
I don’t want to be forced into having sex with him but I don’t want to lose him.
DEIDRE SAYS: Nobody should ever feel pressurised into having sex, whether you’re male or female.
If you don’t feel ready, then don’t do it.
If you do, you may regret it because he may finish the relationship anyway at some time and you’ll feel you did something special with somebody who didn’t really care.
If he is serious about you, he’ll respect your feelings. My e-leaflet Learning About Relationships tells more.
Dear Deidre
I’VE just found the courage to tell my parents I’m not going back to university.
I’ve done a year and I hated every single moment of it. My mother is from a posh family and it has always been expected that I would go to university.
She has been very pushy with me and forced me into doing a course in biology, even though I would love to be a mechanic. I’m 19.
I get depression and know this is part of the problem.
I didn’t try very hard in my end-of-year exams and got rubbish grades.
I don’t like being away from home.
My mum doesn’t believe in depression and, when I told her I wasn’t going back, she went ballistic and said: “You’ll never get anywhere in life without a degree.”
DEIDRE SAYS: Explain to your mother that this is your choice and you would love her blessing and perhaps her help in trying to find a career you love.
My e-leaflet Standing Up For Yourself will help.
Find out about apprenticeships and other careers at Not Going To Uni ().
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